» Why should you be fired from your job?

Beware of IT Techies....we can be wankers!
I work in IT, and as you all know, we IT Techies can be especially cruel bastards. I love my current job and am therefore a model employee. Not the case with my previous job, where, I should have been sacked daily! Offences include:

Getting steaming during the week, turning up 2 hours late, stinking of booze and inisisting on having a tea break.
Me and my friend regulary taking off for 2 hour lunch breaks to go shopping.
Switching off the server to piss everyone off.
Taking 3-4 hours to switch the server back on.
Sneaking into the Chief Exec's office and doing major logs in his private loo, and not flushing.
Helping myself to pens and other stationary from client's drawers while fixing their PCs.
Launching about a dozen VDU's across my office in a fit of temper and claiming "they fell".
Dropping VDUs, Printers etc from the top floor to the car park to see if "they bounced".
Chaning the Chief Exec's display name on the e-mail to say "Miss Tittywhipper".
Playing my own invented game of "password roulette" - if someone pissed me off, they had to guess what I'd changed their password to, it was usually offensive.
Jizzing on some twat's "assigned" seat in the staffroom and wiping my knob on his mug.
Seeing if a screwdriver could pass through the main office shredder, it didn't.
Swapping identical PCs around the main office to confuse the users, after they had a heart attack and thought they'd lost everything, put them back and say that I'd managed to restore everything and they should be more careful.
Randomly deleting people's mail boxes and claiming they were incompetant and must have done it themselves.
This list could go on forever.

To be fair, I was treated like shit in that job from day one, so I left with minimal notice, no-one to replace me and without my tender loving care, My Baby, aka main server, shut herself down within 3 weeks. I was asked to come in as a consultant, on consultant rates to keep them going until a replacement could be appointed. I fleeced them out of thousands of pounds for doing fuck all and generally sitting having a wank and watching porn for 4 hours a night.

After 2 months, got bored and my willy was so sore I told them to stick it once again.

They finally replaced me, with 3 people who still can't do what I did. Now I have a wank on my own time.
(Sat 11th Aug 2007, 15:51, More)

» Family Holidays

Annual Pilgrimage
Every year, my mother and father packed all 4 of their kids, as much luggage as a boeing 747 could hold and two massive german shepards into an estate car and drove 5 hours to sunny Aberdeen.

It was the same every year I can remember. Being the youngest and by default, the smallest, I spent the journey in the boot area with the dogs and cases, face pressed against the rear window praying my older brother (aka vomit fountain) would keep his unique talent to himself until at least an hour into the journey.

My sisters would moan like bitches from mile 1 on, my mother would smoke like a chimney from the very second she got in the car.

My father, well, he'd drive and have to stop at every toilet coz he'd have terminal squirts.

This memorable journey was only topped by arriving in the granite city (funny how it rhymes with shit), being dragged round relatives houses with the faint aroma of brother spew around us, to be spoken at in an alien language and force fed cakes and sandwiches.

Oh, those were the days....
(Thu 2nd Aug 2007, 19:01, More)

» Council Cunts

Stirling Council
Give us a brown wheely bin (for garden waste) a green one for general waste and a wee blue box for cans, bottles, old catalogues, milk cartons etc. The wheely bins are emptied thus - green one week, brown the next, with the recycle boxes emptied weekly. Fair Enough. The recyle boxes are emptied weekly yes but by utter CUNTS. At 7am every thursday the "roadside recycling operatives" arrive in our lovely quiet street and proceed to spend the next hour or so making as much fucking noise as possible, standing as far back from their "roadside recycling vehicle" as they can and throwing the fucking stuff as hard as they can into one of the eight compartments on the back. I am convinced they have competitions to see who can make the most bastard noise. Oh and god forbid you should be helpful and put the cans/bottles into carrier bags to make it easy for them OH NO you might get a large yellow sticker reprimanding you for putting ONE beer bottle in a bag with several cans. "please do not mix the contents of the bags" OH FUCK OFF its not like you are going to take the carrier bags anyway. Dont even get me fucking started on what happens when you get stuck behind the cunting recycling vehicle while trying to get to work on time they get out of the van, look at you, sneer, get back in the van and sit where they are and block the road for another 15 minutes. TWATTY MCFUCKING TWATBAGS. GRRRRR. Feel better now.
(Thu 2nd Aug 2007, 13:31, More)