» The Dirty Secrets of Your Trade

Pub Kitchens, cooking and the like...
I have done my fair share of working in Kitchens.

There are so many horror stories I could tell you, but to be honest you would never want to eat out again; some highlights :

Had to explain to a kid today that If the steak is not red/brown, but BRIGHT FUCKING GREEN, its not edible. Found out he had been serving them all morning before I got there... mmmm

Meat not used on a sunday - generally only got a few days shelf live left on it anyway, seen it made into stews/curries and the like, to just sit in the fridge for about two weeks before been used for sports teams and the like.

Seen far too many cooked meats/meals dropped on the floor then put straight back on the plate as the chef looks shiftily about to see if anyone noticed.

Worked in full on fresh menu pubs to microwave technician pubs, trust me, go to the microwave places, at least there cooked properly and the retarded monkeys in the kitchen are capable of pressing buttons then putting it on plates, fresh pubs just mean theres too many ways to have accidents, and they have a tendancy to use all food however discoloured or out of date it is, as 'food wastage costs too much'.

And lets not get into what the waitresses do to the meals before there sent out if you've been particulary rude to them when you've ordered...


Stay home with microwavable meals people...its the way forward... and makes my job easier :)
(Thu 27th Sep 2007, 23:10, More)

» Desperate Times

B3TA Chilli cookbook eh?
Well, seen as everyone is having a go, I thought I would drop my recipie in..

Ingredients: For 4 people

4x Red Peppers.
4x Red Chillis.
4x Green Chillis.
2x Large spanish onions.
1x Red onion.
4x Cloves garlic.
1 Kg Mince meat (I like it meaty).
2 Tins kidney beans.
3 Tins skinned tomatoes.
2 Glasses red wine (try get a dark really fruity flavour).
1 Bundle fresh coriander.
Shitloads of Black pepper.
Crushed chillis (to taste).
Olive oil.

Ok, now for starters, book a day off work, this should be cooked for at least 1/2 a day, or have someone in to stir it.

First you need access to fire, either a blowtorch, a hob thats gas/fire, or if your posh a chefs cooking torch.

Now skin the peppers and chillies by blowtorching the skin until fully blackened, or just by placing them on the hob rings and let them get burnt (don't worry, this is fine!) Wait until there all nicely burn't all the way around, now wash them under the tap, hey presto! All the skin comes off and your left with the fresh juicy pepper/chilli, ok now, put these on a baking tray, cover them in olive oil, black pepper and then seal the tray with tin foil, whack in the oven at about 170 (doesn't really matter though).

Ok, whilst there in, get the biggest pan you can find for all this, and add a little bit of olive oil to the bottom, add your meat and the glasses of red wine (always reduce & add wine at the beginning of cooking) leave it on the hob on the lowest heat you can get (this is not going to be turned up at any point, don't let anyone turn it up!)

Now keep turning the meat, it will slowly brown over time, and whilst your doing this, get those peppers out, its been 1/2 an hour! Grab them out and then pull out the stalks in them all (leave all the rest in) the stalks will easily slide out of the cooked peppers.

Now find yourself a blender, or a masher or just anything to bash the crap out of the peppers, then blend the peppers, chilli's and add more black pepper, add about 1 or 2 teaspoons of crushed chillis also and a handful of the fresh coriander, make sure any juice/olive oil from the pan is poured into this too, and blend until it is a smooth paste.

Add this then to the meat that will be browning off by now, drop it all in, give it a good stir, and wash your hands.

Chillis and the handling of them...If you touch anything with the chilli'd hands, you/they are going to scream ALWAYS REMEMBER, IF YOUR USING CHILLIS, srub your hands with a brillo pad/belt sander before going for a piss, else you will be in tears for the rest of the day.

Ok carrying on, now its been about an hour that your meat and the pureed peppers/chillis & wine have been cooking for, time to add your beans, lob the kidney beans in, and the tins of skinned tomatoes, give it a good stir, add yet more black pepper to it, and a small handful of rock salt if you have any, hell why not throw in some more chilli flakes while your at it too, your a hardass..

Now dice your onions (2xspanish 1xred) Make sure 1 spanish and the red is diced finely, if your not sure how to do this, first top and tail the onion, then cut it in half, then peel off the old skin, place it on choppingboard with the top vertical, now cut it into about 5 horizontally, then hold the pieces and chop finely vertically, there small diced onion..

Then chop the other onion coarsly into strips (for some texture, get another pan out, and get these frying on a low heat in some oil for about 40 minutes until golden brown, lob these in the chilli, hell whilst throwing these in, why not a bit more crushed chilli's?

Now add anything you want to put in it, I like to add some mixed spice, a tiny bit of chinese 5 spice, and a load of cajun chicken spices (don't ask me why, I just think they go well)

Ok, now leave it to cook, its been about 2 hours now maybe, you want about another 8-12 hours more (this will make everything break down in a low heat, with all the flavours coming out slowly, and the chillis gradually intensifying).

Stir every so often, and watch tv, make sure its on the lowest of the low settings, throw in a cup of water every so often if its starting to dry off too, or move it so only one edge is over the hob and keep stirring, STIRRING, STIRRING.

Now its been say 10 hours, its ready to serve, and ready to eat, but be warned, this stuff will now be nuclear, (aromatic and tasty too, but that won't matter after the first mouthful as your tastebuds will have fucked off by then).

To keep it hot, but lessen the bite of the chilli, add some puree'd apples, don't ask me why this works, I haven't got a clue but by trial and error it seems to calm the effects. Add these near the end though, else they will effect the flavour of the meat.


There you go, nuclear chilli, have fun, AND WASH YOUR HANDS BEFORE TOUCHING YOURSELF..
(Tue 20th Nov 2007, 13:41, More)

» Personal Ads

cockpics - just say no kids.
We set up a dating page for one of our female mates back in the day when it was only the norm for hideous badger faced physcotic crazy people to use them, within a week we were subjected to an assortment of cockpics (some hideous, some tiny and one which could only be described as having some sort of funghi attached to it). All the people who seemed to reply/email us were clearly between 40-70, overweight and had some sort of manic glint in there eyes. We were proposed twice, and lets not even get into the spam we recieved.

Ever since seeing what some of the people using the internet actually look like, ive vowed never to even consider dating over the net *shudder*
(Sun 16th Sep 2007, 17:00, More)