b3ta.com user Reptilianoid
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» Evil Pranks

Cat turds, laxative antibiotics
Story no. 1 comes from the days of my yoof when myself and the Mrs were more playful and care-free.. A mate of mine used to be bit of a scrapper, he'd fight anybody without fear until he'd either won or was unconscious - by all accounts hes still like that today only a little more mellow. He got into a fight with his brother one time (one of many times!) who is 3 yrs older and a few stone heavier. despite the steep odds it was more or less a draw, with my mate coming away with a nasty bite on his hairy bean bag (yeah I know!). From the resulting infection he had to go to the docs and get some antibiotics. He then came around to mine and made the mistake of leaving them unguarded for an hour.. The Mrs managed to crack open all the individual capsules, pour out the antibiotic and replace it with a potent laxative and leave no evidence. We thought no more of it until days later when he moaned about "These tablets are nee good, me infections still there and they give me the F**king shits!" He was self medicating laxative four times daily hehe! Looking back on it now his nuts might have dropped off. But it was a spiffing wheeze!

Story no 2 comes from just a few yrs ago. I impulse purchased one of those "Kitty Crap" fake cat turds from the joke shop - not a particularly funny joke by itself but at least looked convincing. Went round to Hally's house (for that is his name.) and proceeded to get drunk with him and his Mrs. I waited for an opportunity to plant, did so and was rewarded with the usual reaction of embarrassment, anger at the innocent cat etc - what made it was when I offered to clean it up, I grabbed some kitchen roll and made big show of gingerly picking it up - then without warning stuffed it into my mouth! I don't think I'll ever forget the look of horror on their faces - with one of them nearly barfing at the sight, they had no clue it was a 90p "kitty crap" hehe!

I regret nothing.

Length? about 2-3 inches, dark and repulsive.

(Edit) - I only just read bigmeuprudeboy's post I guess we have similar brain patterns. Obviously my mates are just as easy to fool as his little bro.. That doesn't exactly say a lot for them..
(Tue 18th Dec 2007, 16:23, More)

» Public Sex

Wet and Wild North shields
Me and Mrs Reptilianoid decided to go at it in the tunnel at wet and wild.

Things were going swimmingly (Arf!) with me pushing her bikini to one side and having to heave 3 times to get the old fella in due to her tightness (ok nothing to do with the story but I like brag about it when appropriate)

Pounding away merrily content in the knowledge that we could see both entrances to the tunnel (again Arf!) not realising that there was a young lad of about 10 who could do a pretty good impression of a miniature submarine and had swam through the whole length of the tunnel underwater. The view must have been quite spectacular.

As we left we seen him talking excitedly with his mates and pointing to the tunnel. Exit stage right (Rapidly)

The crack was good and bad at the same time.

Length? Well the water was cold, but she didn't complain (shes a good sport)
(Mon 27th Apr 2009, 12:05, More)

» Pubs

I live in a small ex mining village that has a population of around 38,000. A lot of the populace is made up of (as you can imagine from an ex mining village) middle aged, bonkers ex-miners. We are talking about the hardcore of the mining industry, the guys that held out the longest during the strike, fought the coppers regularly etc and Maggie haters to a man. However I digress.

For many years the expected standards of local drinking establishments were relatively low. "Boobles" (name changed not-very-subtly) was once my local and was (before very recent improvements) a superb example of a spit and sawdust shit-hole, right down to the 1980's decor and the minging outside toilets. However Boobles was not entirely without charm. The locals are pretty colorful, the staff friendly and the vodka cheap - so not all was lost.

Right - on with the post. Boobles has a small "snug" area next to the stairs (yes - Boobles is underground) and this is where "The Incident" took place. Me and my mates where in said snug drinking, I went to the stinking /freezing outside bog, and when I can back I spotted a familiar yet out of place object on the floor.

Me - "Urgh!! thats not what I think it is, is it?!?"

Mates - "Arrgghh!! F**kin hell!, aye it is!!"

Someone had left a used tampon on the floor of the pub. A. Used. F**cking. Tampon.

Picture the scenario -

Bloke - "Giz a shag"

Skank - "ner man, I'm on the blob"

Bloke - "so f**k"

Skank - "Ur alreet then, just a sec"

(Small "pop" sound as tampon is pulled out and discarded)

then two scumbags shagging in full view of at least half the clientelle. Yech!!

So - to remedy the situation I told the bar staff so they could dispose of the item. What happened next will live with me forever. A lady from the bar came out holding a dustpan and brush wth the legend "Kitchen only" emblazened upon it with the intention of picking the item up - the problem with this strategy was that when she got close enough to flick it on to the dustpan she was heaving enough fit to barf - potentially adding to the problem. When she eventually got the thing on the dustpan (after I did it for her, she was in a mess) we realised that she had not brought a bag to to put it in and so was forced to walk through a packed pub with her arm fully extended in front of her with dustpan containing a smelly used tampon at face height all the way. Predictably this had the effect of stampeding the locals who managed to see what she was carrying, blokes full on running into each other/walls/the bar, drinks being spilled in panic the lot, while our lot sat back and took in the whole scene.

(Wed 11th Feb 2009, 2:10, More)

» How nerdy are you?

Where to start?
Does this count as nerdiness? or am I just an overgrown kid?

I have Transformers from my childhood on display on shelves in my bedroom.

I have all the transformers cartoons on DVD (the ones from 1984 - not the newer ones, Even I have my limits)

I have an official Star wars Tie Fighter pilots helmet which I wear sometimes.

I have a collection of airsoft BB guns and I have an almost autistic level of encyclopedic knowledge when it comes to small arms. When watching films I constantly point out inaccuracies about caliber/ammunition /etc and am pedantic to the point of causing my better half to scream at me. I totally cant help it, or stop myself.

I have perpetrated D&D, and other role playing games including live action roleplay (yes - that involves getting dressed up as a vampire)

I play warhammer 40,000 and other table top battle games. I spend hours painting models to a display level standard and get very excited when new rules/models/armies are released. I almost crack a chubby when I beat my friends at these games.

I'm 33 years old.

Thats it for now (isnt that enough?)

Length? D6 (six sided dice) +2.
(Fri 7th Mar 2008, 10:36, More)

» Desperate Times

Ashtray reefer?
Heh! we called them "Dump rollys" (sp?) Occasionally there were 2nd and even 3rd generation ones. Yack. Been there Mate - I feel your pain!
(Tue 20th Nov 2007, 8:17, More)
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