b3ta.com user toomanydecibels
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» * PFFT *

When I was younger
I used to work in a supermarket on the night shift.

One night, to alleviate the inevitable boredom of shelf-stacking, I wandered down to the front desk, held down the talk button and let a real teeth-rattler go into the microphone of the PA system.

I can't begin to express the satisfaction of hearing ones own arse-biscuit echo round the eves of a large closed supermarket followed by a hearty cheer from impressed colleagues.
(Mon 16th Jul 2007, 11:17, More)

» Karma

About two years ago I saw a bloke drop £10 onto the floor in a London train station.

Result! thinks I, though as I bent down to pick it up... the arse seam of my jeans ripped apart.

New Jeans? £40. Length? 32in.
(Fri 22nd Feb 2008, 17:34, More)

» I Drank Meths (pointless teenage things you did to shock)

The curious incident of the flare in the night time.
Many years ago my younger brother nicked a naval flare from a boat and kept it in a drawer in his room for months. Being young and bored my mates and I thought it'd be a jape to steal it, launch it and see what happens. We waited until dark and climbed onto the roof of the local pavilion. The foot-long plastic tube was handed to our somewhat gullible pal and waited whilst he read the instructions out loud to himself and carried them out.

"Unscrew End Caps, Pull lever down, then push lever u..."

There then followed an ear-splitting whoosh accompanied by a huge cloud of foul white smoke as the projectile shot off toward the heavens. A split second before he'd launched it my other mate and I had (quite sensibly as it turned out) jumped down and started running like the clappers.

Somewhat panicked and now blinded by smoke, our gullible pal jumped off the roof, twisting his ankle and hobbling away from the scene as fast as he could. He caught us up very shortly after as there was absolutely fuck all point in trying to hide anyway.

The flare had lit up a sleepy area of Norfolk about a mile across, as if it was the midday sun.

As we were inland, no Sea King helicopters attended. In fact, nobody other than the three of us mentioned seeing it. ever. But then, that's Norfolk for you.
(Mon 23rd Jul 2007, 12:48, More)

» Nightclubs

Back in the dark ages
Camelot was the best Knight club around.

It was legendary.
(Thu 16th Apr 2009, 9:05, More)

» Too much information

two weeks ago I had a blister...
...on the INSIDE of my bottom lip, which burst and tasted foul.

It was due to too much inflammation.
(Thu 6th Sep 2007, 15:49, More)
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