b3ta.com user ToMeToYou
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» Desperate Times

Back in the glorious days of Uni......
My gay mate used to cut out of Teh Sun newspaper the page 7 fella, which they ran for a few years back in the early 90's. For those that don't know what this is, it was "Hunky, half naked men in boxers" I remember Sean Bean being one of them (oh the mindbleach needs to be used for that methinks!)

He didn't have much luck pulling in those days as he wasn't the best looking chap on the campus. Thankfully, acne clears up and he is a stunner now!

To make things worse, he used to put them in one of those laminated photo albums. Only because, and I quote "For the wipe-clean surface and reuse-ability!"

He showed me said album pissed one night, proud as a dog with a bone!

Length? I did not want to find that out!
(Fri 16th Nov 2007, 23:59, More)

» Being told off as an adult

The Night Bus
A few weeks ago, after a drunken night out in the centre of Bristol, I was berated and thrown off the night bus by the driver.

Well. As I boarded and handed over my night rider ticket, I casually say to the driver "Cheers, fella!" What is wrong with that you say?

This would have been all fine and dandy in the usual circumstances, but the driver, as it turns out, is a pre-op transsexual. How was I to know with the beer goggles on. "She" took a rather lot of umbrage about this comment and went into a flying rage. Half the bus were in hysterics as I went redder and redder, smaller and smaller. She gets out of the driver's seat and starts pacing up and down the bus chucking off all the people that were laughing. "I have just about had enough of all this bullshit for one day, you drunken shits!! Get off my bus."

More laughter ensued as this was said in a deep gruff voice!

I shouldn't laugh about it and I did apologise as she drove off in a huff!

at least I wasn't barred from Oceana, eh, Limey!! lolz
(Wed 26th Sep 2007, 20:12, More)

» The worst sex I ever had

Smiling Still!
After many months of trying to woo Emma, for that is her name, it came to pass that we were sufficiantly drunk enough to sleep with each other.

Now, I did not know that she was totally out of it as I was at the time, but anyway, back in her bedroom she had a bedside cabinet. Now, this said cabinet had a collection of dildos and vibrators that would put Anne Summers to shame. I think she was a product tester really.

This came as a bit of a shock as she whispered in my ear that she would like to shove one of the things up my arse whilst sucking me off. I am not a prude but the postate exam at the doctors gives me enough tears in my eyes, let alone a ten inch dildo!

So anyway, whilst I was getting my back wheels, she fell asleep, comatosed. So I thought I would have some fun. Two up the front and two in the rear is what I managed. I left pretty quickly and laughed all the way home.

The thing is, even now when I see her, she has this knowing look in her eye that she wants to do it again!

It was the shittest sex I have ever had but the most fun!

not true by the way!!

Length: 2x 10"x 3" and 2x 6"x2" with knobbles!
(Mon 18th Jun 2007, 6:46, More)

» Failed Projects

Complete and utter FAIL! (for the company)
I was working for a hotel chain at the time, not anymore, when "The List" came down to me on a fax sheet.

Can you organise, within 48 hours, a complete re-fit of the banqueting suite for a major star who wants to hold a private function.

Little did they know that it was my last day working for them and nothing got done.

That Fax went straight in the bin and then I had a load of angry calls from my successor for the next week.

Ha, not my fail but the fucking companies for not realising that I could not give a shit about an "A-list" celeb.

names have been withheld because I hated the A-list twunt and my successor
(Mon 7th Dec 2009, 23:59, More)

» Iffy crushes

Honor Blackman is one. Old enough to my mother but her husky voice always sends a shiver down my spine.

The other is Peggy Bundy (Katey Sagal). But then again, with a bit of Kelly in the mix it would have provided the perfect teenage dream shagathon.
(Sat 8th Oct 2011, 1:14, More)
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