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» Guilty Pleasures, part 2

At a party
A couple of years ago at a friend's engagement party in Sidcup, there were helium filled balloons all around the room. After the usual helium breathing by people old enough to know better, Mr Prawn and I grabbed one such balloon and proceeded to tie an empty crisp packet around the bottom. We then weighted this down with cucumber pieces and lager and let it go.

It sort of moved around the room like a very small less flammable zeppelin. Every now and then someone would give it a little push and it would glide through the air spilling lager on the unsuspecting people below.

We ended up leaving that party early...
(Fri 14th Mar 2008, 10:30, More)

» Pet Stories

More pussy related shenanigans
My parents have 4 cats, 2 half breed Siamese who are now approaching their 13th birthday, and 2 British Shorthairs who are now 9.

The female Siamese is the strangest cat I've ever met. She likes licking things that shouldn't be licked. Belly button fluff, toe jam, arse crack fluff, sweaty armpits, and on one occasion, someone's balls. She also has a habit of carrying stuffed toys or rolled up pairs of socks round the house and leaving them in the least obvious places, whilst making the most blood-curdling noises I've ever heard.

Both the Siamese refuse to drink from their water bowl. Muddy puddles, watering cans and chicken bowls being their favourites.

One of the British Shorthairs is afraid of everything, even his own shadow at times. He caught a mouse once which he left very much alive. Said mouse proceeded to sit up and have a look round before having a wash, which prompted him to run away. From a mouse.

His brother, on the other hand, seems to be completely fearless (but also slightly deaf and a dolly mixture short of a quarter). He often disappears in the summer for a couple of days, then comes home completely starving and needing sleep. Though quite why he's hungry when he's more than capable of catching his own I don't know.
(Fri 8th Jun 2007, 10:26, More)

» Karma

Serves him right
Back in May last year, I met a bloke who I thought could be the one. He was charming, good looking, tall, muscular and insisted on paying his way. Things were looking up.

He broke up with me very early one Saturday morning by sending me a text whilst I was upstairs in his house in his bed and he was downstairs making himself a coffee. Told me he'd not had any feelings for me since I'd come back from a 2 week holiday in July and that he was staying with me out of pity.

He then proceeded to text me every day after this apologising and begging me to give him another chance - to which he got told to go away (though not nearly so politely). After a month or so of this, he sent me a text telling me he'd met someone else and how wonderful things were.

Now, I'm not normally one to believe in karma, but what happened next amused me no end. It turns out that the bird he'd got involved with was a smack addict, and that her idea of a good time was shoplifting and pinching money from his wallet. He'd got a black eye from where she'd hit him one night in an argument when I last saw him, and I wouldn't be surprised if she was pregnant by now.
(Mon 25th Feb 2008, 11:08, More)

» Food sex

My one and only
experience of food-related sexual deviance occurred after giving an ex a hand shandy.

The only thing I can say about the experience is that Wine Gums don't really taste much different when they're covered in baby gravy.
(Mon 10th Aug 2009, 12:46, More)

» Family codes and rituals

My family
are a bit daft, my mum in particular.

Her new favourite thing is to use a made up word to describe every inanimate object. For instance, whilst watching TV the other day, she asked my brother to "pass the oojie boojie" - what she really meant was remote control.

On holiday, she often doesn't sleep very well and it's always muggins here who has to share a room with her. I invariably get asked if I'm awake, and then she starts playing things like I Spy in order to pass the time instead of actually trying to go to sleep - often she ends up playing with herself (no pun intended) as I pretend to be asleep and ignore the childish babble.
(Mon 24th Nov 2008, 13:39, More)
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