» Conversation Killers

struck dumb
I happened to go to an opera with a teacher, his wife, and a priest. The wife was a young looking blonde woman. I was a young blonde teenager. After the opera the priest engineered it so that the teacher was left parking the car while the rest of us went to get a table at an Italian restaurant. The SPLIT SECOND before we walked through the door the priest linked arms with both of us ladies and loudly announced his arrival in booming Italian.

The entire restaurant fell silent at the sight of a priest with two dollybirds on his arm.

I have never been stared at so much. In total silence where there had been a busy hum of conversation. At the time I was mortified, but now I realise just how brilliant that priest was. Comedy gold.
(Sun 15th May 2011, 16:57, More)

» Ginger

Children are unpredictable
My son is 2 years old and a very cute little Ginger boy. Knowing how cruel other children are to the flame-haired ones, I thought it sensible to teach him that his hair colour is Ginger. Not red, not auburn, not strawberry blonde. Ginger. When asked "what colour is your hair?" he will smile and proudly declare the G word. I was hoping that if any mean kid tried to pick on him by saying "you're Ginger" then it wouldn't hurt his feelings as he'd not think it was a jibe, just the truth.

I didn't expect him to point and bellow "Ginger!" across the road at a teenage boy walking home with his posse of mates. It seems that I've accidentally taught my child to pick on his bretheren. Luckily the schoolboy saw the funny side when he realised it was a very small Ginger one doing the yelling.   

(Long time lurker, first time post!) 
(Thu 25th Feb 2010, 22:43, More)

» Dad stories

Dad's a lovely bastard
The relationship I have with my dad is one of opposites. He's the one person who pisses me off more than any other in the world. He's also the one who shares my sense of humour to a tee. If we're both in a good mood everything will be raucous and jolly. If either of us are in a bad mood we'll be tearing each other apart within minutes. He's a cunt or a bigger cunt, but I still love him.

Two things he's done that stand out:
He likes to freak me out. When I was 13 he asked if I could imagine him & my mum getting it on. Um, no. Urgh. "So you can't imagine your mother crawl around the floor exhausted?" Arrrrrrrggggghhhh! La, la, la! Can't hear you!
I ran from the room with his cackling ringing in my ears. Unfortunately it's a mental image that won't go away.

The other thing epitomises how lovely he can be. When I was 5 I came home from school distraught. My wobbly tooth had come out at school & had been put on a filing cabinet for safe keeping. Somehow it had managed to fall behind this cabinet which was screwed to the wall. How was the tooth fairy going to collect my tooth now? I was going to lose out on 10p here (this was the 70s, 10p was a lot). Disaster. My dad rang the operator and asked if she would mind being the tooth fairy to cheer up a disconsolate child. She did. I was delighted and totally convinced that I had spoken to the tooth fairy. I told all my friends that it was far better speaking to her than just leaving your tooth under the pillow anonymously. You got 5 times more money. My dad was gutted to have had to cough up the 50p she promised me instead of the usual 10p, but he didn't let on until I was well into my teens.

I think that makes up for the hundreds of horrible arguments we have had since. He can be a shit too. But he's my loveable shit of a dad.
(Sat 27th Nov 2010, 22:24, More)

» Guilty Laughs

My shoe! My shoe!
There is a fundamental rule that you should not laugh at your children when they're upset. That makes me a bad parent. I cannot help but laugh when my son wails "My shoe! My shoe!" from the backseat of the car when one falls off mid-journey. *Those* episodes of Blue Peter are clearly deeply etched on my consciousness.
(Sun 25th Jul 2010, 19:30, More)