b3ta.com user Multi-Coloured Pop Shop
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A 21 year old, self confessed "twat with a ukulele" from the sunny seaside town of Blackpool. Making cashmoney by being a cleaner in a hotel on the promenade, thus making my job "maid service" I am a male maid.

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» Family Holidays

Seasick, me? Hah! I laugh in the face of seasickness
So, it would have been, 10 years ago, at a guess, I would have been 9 years old, and me and my parents had been over to Ireland to visit my grandparents in Limerick.

We took the ferry from Fleetwood (near Blackpool) where we lived. It was a small ship, usually meant to go between Fleetwood and The Isle Of Mann (half the journey we embarked on), but we arrived in Dublin, and made the journey down to Rathkeale in Limerick where my grandparents live.

A nice time was had by all, but there were a few troubles with my dads car. It's already been touched upon, that the roads in Ireland are mere dirt tracks, and for those who know not of the roads of Ireland, they are full of potholes, I mean it, potholes everywhere.

We were driving around, and my dad drives over a pothole, the suspension goes straight through the bottom of the boot (I don't drive and I'm not sure of the technicalities) and there was a gaping hole in the boot, my dad was freaking out, we took it to the garage near my grandparents house, and all he had to say was "Ohh, that's a terribly big hole you've got in your car", very laid back man, like most irish people, at this point my dad was panicking about his car, "Ohh, that'll take a good while to fix", we were leaving the day after, my dad's face growing ever more red, at this point the man in charge of the garage gets his friends to come and have a look, and they comment on the same things as the owner did.

After half the village (I exagerate not) have seen the car, he tells my dad he will have it fixed by the end of the night, we went to the pub, I drank red lemonade till I am sure my piss was orange, and my dad got shitfaced on Guinness.

So the day after, we arrive in Dublin for our midnight ferry, only to find out it is stuck in the middle of the irish sea due to high winds and will be delayed.

So picture this if you will, I'm in the backseat of the car, with my parents asleep in the front seats, sleeping, snoring away, I'm wide awake, and all of a sudden, I hear gunfire, a lot of it, I'm 9 years old, my parents fast asleep in the front of the car, and outside it sounded like all hell was breaking loose, I was terrified.

Fortunatly, soon after this one of the employees of the ferry company knocked on the car to wake my parents up to let us know the dinghy had arrived.

So, we set off back to good old England, and as soon as we get out of the docks, the weather hits the ferry, a 7 hour journey, the ferry being tossed around like a cork in a bucket, I WAS LOVING IT!!! IT WAS LIKE THE BEST ROLLER COASTER RIDE EVER!!! EASILY ONE OF MY FAVORITE EXPERIENCES EVER!!

I was one of the only people on the ferry not to be sick, even the captain was sick I was told by the staff. I was glad I had a walkman though, because the sound of puking has always made me gip, but I was sat in the portholes loving being underwater one minuite and over the next, eating malteasers, snickers, galtee cheese sandwhiches (Galtee cheese is like orange plastic made to taste a bit like cheese), talking to people, going down to the cinema, which was empty due to you being able to really feel the rolling of the ship down there, I could go anywhere and just rule it.


Then we arrived and I went home, and I probably went on my SNES


That was an epic, I am sorry
(Thu 2nd Aug 2007, 16:32, More)

» Abusing freebies

Free Shots
In the last bar I worked in (Bar Red in Blackpool, don't go there, it's run by a cunt who hit me when firing me for no reason whatsoever), they had some local glamour model type girl handing out cards for a free shot with the first drink you buy.

This gets all the lads in who want to get bevvied up before they go to the Syndicate (horrible grey dance club full of pretty boys and fights outside).

What they don't know, is that when we made the bottles which the free shots were contained in, it was 50mls of vodka, to 650mls of blackcurrant cordial.

They thought it was strong because of the alcohol, it was only strong because the cordial in it was neat with a tiny bit of vodka.

Click "I like this" if you think my bosses were conniving bastards.
(Sat 10th Nov 2007, 13:58, More)

» Social Networking Gaffes

I don't use the internet, so here's a real life gaffe
Like the time working behind a bar in a busy venue (The Wildhearts were playing, I got to see them for free, which is nice)a guy came up to the bar, wearing shades. [I have a nasty habit of never thinking before I speak, plus, it was a rock venue, people wear shades indoors to look cool*]

The shades were rather swish too, so I commented on them saying "nice shades", I got his drink for him, and put it on the bar in front of him, and said the price, and he didn't get his wallet out, or hand me money, obviously with The Wildhearts on in the background, my voice would have been drowned out, so I repeated myself, a little louder, and over enunciating the words so not having to rely on hearing me say the price. Still, The Wildhearts being noisy feckers, my voice was drowned out, and he stood there, the gentleman was stood slightly away from the bar, half watching the band, so I leaned over and waved in front of his face to try and get his attention.

It was at this point his carer came over and berated me for mocking the blind.

*I think that wearing shades indoors makes you look a twat**

**Unless you are blind, and therefore perfectly acceptable
(Sat 13th Sep 2008, 15:47, More)

» Conned

Being a Blackpool lad
The promenade is full of cons. Here is one of my favorite con game.

There are people who hand out these little laminated business cards who often say to me "You look like a tourist" which annoys me immediatly as that is incorrect.

If you talk to them, they send you in the general direction of the stall they work for, where there is a game, which consists of four balls, and a slanted piece of wood, with pins in it, where you put the balls at the top, and they fall to the bottom into seperate areas, all numbered... with all odd numbers.

This is when it starts to become quite suspicious.

You look at the prizes at the top, and all of the good prizes are numbered with odd numbers, and crappy prizes are numbered with even ones and the number of the prize you win, is made from the total from where the balls fall into (if you follow what I mean)

There is no way in a game, with an even amount of balls, which choose only odd numbers, to have a total which is an odd number.

But hey, you win a prize every time! So roll up, roll up, to my favorite seafront scam!
(Fri 19th Oct 2007, 22:25, More)

» Festivals

Rebellion Punk Festival 2008
I've played at the punk festival since 2007, and I'm playing this year.

Last year had some great moments, such as being in the worlds smallest dressing room, with Edward Tudor Pole and some other woman who was getting changed, all whilst blatantly flouting the anti smoking inside laws. Sat in a room of punks and burlesque dancers all huffing glue. Insulting Itch from The King Blues. Bitching about Itch from The King Blues with their former bassist. Singing "Please don't piss in my microwave" with cabaret punk band Monkish (who feature Chris Goodman - Ex King Blues). Eating a diet of only hot dogs. Smuggling all my friends beer in the back entrance (hur hur) with my artists pass. Pissing everyone off with my set, by singing the same chorus at the end for 10 minutes, the lyrics of which are "Bareback anal hardcore porn, amateur tittyfuck scat", laughing at a friend who took speed because she was so drunk, drinking Special Brew and playing loads of pop songs on my guitar outside the festival on the first day, Captain Hotknives hugging me in the toilets, absolutely twatted on weed.

ROLL ON 2009!!!!

My set involves : Feathers, chicken livers, toy guns, Wurlitzer organs, super strength beer tasting, custard pie fights, a mixture of original punk and pop song covers, all played on a ukulele this year!!
(Sun 7th Jun 2009, 2:47, More)
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