» Social Networking Gaffes

Who needs social networking sites to make a gaff?
Take my mate Dave (name possibly changed) for example. He has joined both facebook and bebo but hasn't figured out they're mainly used to meet people of the opposite sex. Consequently he thinks they are for losers.
Anyway in the last month alone he has made numerous gaffes.

1. He went out a couple of times with his younger sister's friend. No problems really, they're both single and the sister was supportive. There is around 5 years difference betweeen them. One thing led to another after a few drinks and he ended up having it off with her. (no idea why I used "Bottom" language there)
Anyway it's mid sex doggy style and he is enjoying it, enough to say "I've wanted to do this to you since you were 14!"
Funnily enough that didn''t float her boat and she turned around to say "WHAT?!"
Romance wasn't in the air for much longer.

2. He was telling his friend about the girl above and excitedly told him, in earshot of his friends mother that "Yeah the sex was excellent honestly, at one point she had both my balls in her mouth."
I should he is loud at the best of times but he's painfully loud when excited. (so I hear)

3. This was a few years ago but still a gigantic social gaffe in my book. Dave and his friend used to be friendly with two girls. One of whom they thought to be very attractive but had a slightly large nose. Let's call her Tracy. Tracy was speaking to Dave and he was listening thoughtfully. I can only imagine though that he was having a imaginary conversation to his mate Scott as he said "Yeah you're right Scott she definitely DOES have a big nose".
There was no way back after that, sheer stupidity.
(Mon 15th Sep 2008, 2:07, More)

» Common

Watch out, smoker about.
My Mum god rest her soul used to have a neighbour who must be considered common. Although common isn't actually a bad term in itself, this lady simply had no class.
The best way to illustrate this is her smoking habit. Before any smokers bombard me with hate mail it's how she went about it. As far as her family knew she had quit. Yet she would pop over to my Mums house for a 'fag' but was terrified of having the smell on her as my Mum didn't smoke. Her solution was to sit in her underpants while speaking to my Mum. I'm glad I missed those little visits.
(Sun 19th Oct 2008, 23:52, More)

» Flirting

Manchester Farceness
In the early 2000s myself and a friend had travelled down to Manchester for a gig. It was at the Old Trafford Cricket Ground, so there were plenty of folk drinking and it was very crowded. Anyway I had lost my friend and was waiting for him to find me in the crowd after sending him a txt.
An attractive Mancunian girl who was with a group of blokes asks if I have a light, I don't smoke so pretty much told her that. The young lady starts flirting (judged on hindsight) so the other guys bog off. After some chat about her and the gig, she lights up with a lighter from her pocket.
Even my Jade Goodyesque brain thought there was something in this. "She was using the lighter as an excuse!"
A few more minutes of chat ensues where she keeps mentioning her flat in the city centre. Whilst speaking about her flat, she often drops in that she lives alone. These factors (coupled with the clumsy snog which followed) may direct you to believe that this is one of my flirting triumphs. Well it bloody should have been!
Mancunian girl said she had to nip to the toilet and told me to wait there. Sounds easy right?
I thought I would help her out as the toilet queues for these things are awful, and that's just for the guys. I quickly realise I can save her the pain of a queue.
At least that's what I attempted to convey to her, fairly sure she didn't take it that way. What I actually said alongside a helpful point was.....
"The Disabled toilets are that a way!"

Now this might not have been a deal breaker, but I think I said it a little too loud and with a dodgy laugh.

She looked disgusted and walked away, funnily enough she didn't come back.
(Fri 19th Feb 2010, 11:03, More)

» Winning

I didn't win this time
My dog however did win a prize many moons ago. It was in the local village where I stayed as a nipper. The annual gala had a competition for the best dog. Nothing more complicated than that, not best looking or fastest. Simply the best dog wins.

He was less than a year old when this competition came round. He was friendly, scruffy and loved scavenging about the place looking for whatever he could. Unfortunately he was stubborn so was problematic to train. When I saw all the other fancy dan poodles jumping up to the judges and performing 'tricks', my hopes of him being crowned the best dog started to fade.

He was unperturbed however, in fact he was having a rare old time. He was patrolling the area giving each and every dog a ruddy good sniff. I tried to get him to pay attention to the judge but he couldn't care less.

Anyway, he went and bloody won the bastarding thing, 1st prize! The judge's simply said he was a 'proper' dog.

If there were to be a human equivalent, it would be the best human competition. All the prima donna dogs would be supermodels and jetsetters while my dog (aka Compo from Last of the Summer Wine) basically leers and charms his way over everyone.
(Wed 4th May 2011, 15:12, More)

» Customers from Hell

Me as a customer
Bloody hopeless I was. When I was a young whipper snapper (17 to be precise) I went to the chemist to get my prescription. Fair enough you might think.
Except I hadn't ordered it nor been to collect it myself from the doctors. In my head somewhere I realised my mistake but not before the nice but exasperated lady informed me of how the system worked. If she had the choice of using colour illustrations she would have jumped at it.

She must have thought that I thought you could order drugs like you could a fish supper.
(Fri 5th Sep 2008, 3:58, More)