» School Days

School bus shenanigans
For the most part I didn't like secondary school, but the highlight of every day was the bus journey..

1) As we were obviously the cool kids, we had the back row on the bottom of a double decker. Lame as it sounds now, we used to play 'Bundle' every time the bus went round a corner - just involved squashing everyone to one side of the bus. One day we were doing this and the fat kid in the corner started screaming..

'Guys, I'm hanging out the window!!'

'Shut up tubby, that window doesn't even open!' so we continued pushing without looking over.

It turns out we'd pushed so hard that the whole pane of glass had fallen out and smashed on the road and fatty was indeed hanging out of the window, hanging on for dear life..

Needless to say the bus driver went mental..

2) The same fat dude was also pretty gobby. One day he stuck his head out of one of the small sliding windows, and shouted 'Oi, Bitch' at some burly men digging up the road. He then tried to get his head in pretty quickly, and got his fat head stuck on his ears, so one of the workmen came over and punched him in the face. He cried. A lot.

3) There was another fat kid who was one of our friends. He was so lazy and couldn't be bothered to walk to the sweet shop after school so we'd go round and buy loads of stuff and then sell him 1 Malteser for a pound. My first ever get rich quick scheme.

4) A local bigger boy was throwing eggs at the bus one day, so our driver just calmly stopped the bus, turned round and said 'Off you go lads'. About 30 of us piled off the bus and taught the loser the error of his ways..

I don't know if the 928 bus is still running to Wycombe, but they were the best times I ever had.
(Fri 30th Jan 2009, 11:22, More)

» Public Transport Trauma

Stupid fucking wheelie cases
It seems that in the last couple of years, the use of a small wheeled suit case has become the norm for a lot of people on the tube. It wouldn't be so bad, except for the fact that they are about the size of a standard laptop case and therefore shouldn't need wheels.

I was behind a woman the other day at Embankment, wheeling her stupid little bag along the platform. This in itself gave her an operating radius of about 5 feet, but what really pissed me off was that at a set of stairs, she pushed down the handle, carried the bag down the stairs, then pulled up the handle, wheeled it 6 fucking feet to the next set of stairs, pushed down the handle, carried it etc..

Get a fucking rucksack or a case that is worthwhile in size so at least i have a chance of seeing it and not tripping over it.

.
(Thu 29th May 2008, 15:32, More)

» Annoying words and phrases

Su-Bo and R-Patz
Their names are Susan Boyle and Robert Pattinson. Don't abbreviate them. I'm talking to you Heat magazine.

Fuckers.
(Thu 8th Apr 2010, 15:50, More)

» Pointless Experiments

Sherbert Fountain
Way back in the day, on the school bus, we thought we'd do an experiment with sherbert fountains and Mountain Dew (remember that?..)

We got one of our stupider classmates to pour a whole sherbert fountain in his mouth and then wash it down with the sickly fizzy drink and try to hold it in his mouth.

Result of experiment: A frothing mixture of Sherbert/pop came out of his nose and ran down his front, while he started crying.

When he put his trousers on the radiator to dry that night, the mixture baked solid so the clothes were stiff as a board.

Probably best you don't try it.

I'm not even sure what we were trying to prove..
(Fri 25th Jul 2008, 15:29, More)

» Pet Peeves

Farting
What really pisses me off is when I'm busy working, no one will come over to my desk all day to speak to me, until I let out a sly fart that turns into a mushroom cloud of death.

And invariably, the person that comes to see me will be the hottest girl in the company, who then desperately tries to vacate the area as her eyebrows fall off.

Doesn't matter though, I've already boinked her.
(Wed 7th May 2008, 15:10, More)