b3ta.com user paulplex
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Wah ha- I've not updated this yet...

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» Why should you be fired from your job?

Nearly fired from a job I never had...
When I was living at University and had no money, I admit to having bought some of my clothes from charity shops: one was a white shirt with vertical thin red stripes on it.

Walk into WHSmiths on a bored Saturday, I'm approached by an old lady who asks me where she could find a certain author: I guess with my cheapo recycled charity shop shirt, I looked like I might work there, especially through her bottle-bottom glasses.

I suggested where the book should be but told her I wasn't actually staff so didn't know for certain - and so she stormed off to complain to a manager about my 'unhelpful' attitude: she was expecting me to go find the book for her.

The manager appeared to take her complaint seriously, until I waved and smiled and he realized that I wasn't actually a member of his staff: with her still complaining about my 'service', I walked out of the shop saying in a way she could overhear "thats it, I've had enough of helping the bloody blue-rinse brigade: I quit!"
(Wed 15th Aug 2007, 13:21, More)

» Your first cigarette

Wrath of God stuff!
Many years ago, my gran and grandad held Christmas parties for the family around their nice big house: generally the kids drunk fizzy pop and ran around all hyper and the uncles would drink a bit too much - all good though.

One year, the conversation got onto religion: my uncle - a hairy beardy man who used to smoke far too much for anyones good - telling everyone that if God does exist then he must be some sort of bastard: I mean, what sort of God allows the suffering in the world?

This blasphemy went on for about five minutes or so: ending with the statement "may God strike me down if I'm wrong but if he does exist, he's the biggest fool there is".

Going to light a cigarette after his religious rant, his lighter blew up in his face and took out his beard and mustache in one ball of flame.

Not sure if this is a lesson in why smoking can be bad for you in unique ways or why you shouldn't insult higher deities: but on both counts, I try to keep my nose clean ;)
(Wed 19th Mar 2008, 20:59, More)

» Being told off as an adult

I was told off by the cat...
Not sure if this qualifies as an answer to this QOTW: however, my girlfriend is away at the moment, enjoying the sun and heat of southern France for a work do - so I'm left behind to look after the cat and the flat.

A bit pongy and as a long haired cat with a winter coat coming through a matted summer one, I gave her a trim and then a bath: she's a good cat and will stand still while you do it but has that look of "you'll pay for this" in her eyes as you pour buckets of water over her head.

...and she did too: I woke up this morning to find a piece of runny cat poo in my laptop bag. Fortunately the laptop wasn't in there at the time but I'm not sure now how to remove the smell...
(Fri 21st Sep 2007, 12:05, More)

» My sex misconceptions

A friend at school...
Back in the day of Sex Education at secondary school, our crone of a Biology teacher, Mrs Johnson, was picking on people to answer questions.

"How do you make a woman pregnant?" she screeches to my friend Luke. "Erm, you use your penis, don't you?" he stammers back.

"You don't just wave your penis and expect a woman to get pregnant, do you?!" she replies. Ah, the nightmares that gave me...
(Tue 30th Sep 2008, 21:03, More)

» Have you ever seen a dead body?

Erm - who chose this QOTW?
Okay, I'm a relative noob here in terms of posting; however, I don't think I'm alone in thinking that this is a random and odd QOTW - what sort of responses do we want?

Yes, I've seen a dead body: my grandfather in the funeral home: it wasn't pleasant.

I've not read through this thread fully yet but surely nobody has posted a comment of "yes, I've seen loads: and it was gooooood..."

...role on next weeks QOTW...
(Sun 2nd Mar 2008, 21:00, More)
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