» Crazy Relatives

My Mother's Cousin May
A few years ago my mother, who escaped from Eccles 40 years ago, went mental with nostalgia and started contacting long lost relatives. All of whom promptly reminded us why we lost contact in the first place. Auntie May, 56, who apparently married a gypsy 30 years ago, and has had a 'hard-life' ever since, came down to London to stay for a weekend. As soon as she arrived we had to go on a mission to indulge her long term alcoholism which could only be slaked by necking a can of Skol 2% every half hour (only available at CostCutter Harrow Road and it had to be Skol 2% nothing else would do). She promptly told me I was soft. They then spent the next 8 hours in tears as she regaled us with a geneaology of familial misery that spanned 70 odd years. At about 10 pm she guzzled half a bottle of Finlandia and then dissapeared for a nap. I thought I was out of the woods, I was wrong.
She snuck back up after half an hour, apparently changed into her 'nightwear', a short white negligee. Her body was a terrible tangle of varicoose vains, cottage cheese thighs and liver spots. The worst was she'd caught me smoking a joint out the window. Shock. Horror. Apparently I was now a drug addict and needed help - Jeremy Kyle style. 'Now sit down on the couch and lets talk about your problem' she said, excitedly bouncing up and down next to me (huurghh!) whilst cracking open another can. It was at this point I noticed her charming habit of champing yellow nicorette compulsively with her big false teeth. In order make each piece last a bit longer she would pull it out of her mouth and stretch between her thumb and forefinger and then wipe her hands on the couch. After 40 minutes of verbal abuse and more tears, (she literally followed me room to room) I finally made a break for it and left the house to wander the streets for 3 hours until I could safely return.
(Fri 6th Jul 2007, 2:12, More)

» Best Films Ever

Never heard of them!
There are loads of films out there that I really rate but never got proper distribution or recognition, and going from most of the movies listed in the previous posts they are films that you would probably enjoy too. Here are three of them that push all the right sci fi/comedy/horror buttons.

El Dia De La Bestia. (The Day Of The Beast), A comedy horror about a basque catholic priest who by cabalistic study of the bible discovers that the anti-christ is going to be born on Christmas day in Madrid. Helped by an obese heavy-metal freak and by a slimy TV 'psychic', he tries to invoke the devil to find out the place of birth and kill the baby. This film is hilarious and leaves you wondering 'did it really happen, or was he just mad?'. A stone cold classic and one for the holiday season.

Fido. Like zombie films? You'll fucking love this. In a world gone zombie only one corporation has the answer; ZOMCON! Which has succeeded in domesticating the zombie. Cue zombie dog walkers, car washers, town greeters and ahem, lady friends for the lonely. Just make sure their collars don't break! Its also got Billy Connolly in it, but you won't recognise him. I watched this with a bunch of friends and one of them laughed so hard he had to go and puke. Why it never got distribution is a mystery to me.

The Quiet Earth. 1985 Kiwi Sci-Fi, which will either put you off or turn you on depending upon your taste for such things. Synopsis is a man wakes up and finds everyone else on the planet has dissappeared, and its all his fault, and he's bald, and he goes mad and he gets his cock out. And then he does what you or I would do in a such a situation which is put on a sexy dress and rampage about town in a huge six wheeled tonka truck while carrying a shotgun. If you like the way they emptied London for 28 days later, This film does the same with Auckland in NZ. And it has a brilliant final scene as well, futuropocalypse-tastic.

Apologies for length but he's a short bald man and not shy about it either!
(Fri 18th Jul 2008, 12:07, More)