» Too much information

My Mother is a gay man trapped in a woman's body.
I'm sure of it - why else would she be so obsessed with poo pipes?

The evidence:

Although she has a terrible long-term memory (due to many sessions of ECT) she can vividly recall any poo related incidents from mine or my brother's childhoods.

It's traumatizing enough to hear your parents shagging, but my brother and I had our ears assaulted on a regular basis by our mother groaning "ASS!ASS!" followed by slapping sounds.

We were regularly forced to drink Pripsen Powders (the worse taste in the world) 'just incase' we caught worms.

After she and my Dad divorced, she met a new man (who would later become my step-dad) of whom she informed me was 'called Dave and has a colostomy bag'.

When my Step-dad died, I went with her to register his death. 'Bowel Cancer' wasnt a dramatic enough description for her to give - she preferred 'Cancer of the Anal Stump'

She used to have a dog. When he was due his injections or what-not she would always say 'right Sandy, off to have a finger up your bum' and then inform me for the umpteenth time 'I like to have his anal glands emptied while I'm there'.

She discusses her piles with anyone who'll listen and makes sure that even those who wont, still know about them. She left a tube of pile cream on top of her toilet cistern, with shit covered nozzle still attached. I only just managed to stop my then toddler son picking it up *heave*

She has been seeing a Proctologist (A.K.A. Arse Doctor) on and off for years. She's has many tests - cameras, the lot and can never really find a cause for her 'symptoms'. I think I may have discovered it though - once while regalling me on her latest procedure, she ended with 'it wasnt too bad - infact, I quite enjoyed it'

There's probably more, but my guts are churning enough as it is :(
(Wed 12th Sep 2007, 18:06, More)

» Too much information

Just remembered...
...another dose of TMI from my Mum, via my Brother - non-arse related this time but just as bad.

She was having one of her many stays at the local mental hospital. On Christmas Day my Brother went to visit and it descended into an argument. He cant remember how it started, but it ended with 'Your Dad raped me when I had just come out of hospital, after having you'* TMI? You'd think so wouldnt you?


NO. She followed that with 'and I still had stitches in'


*a lie
(Wed 12th Sep 2007, 18:23, More)

» Guilty Secrets

Dearest Brother,
Do you remember the time (when you were 8 and I was 6) that I accidently bumped into you and you fell into a freezing cold boating lake? It was a couple of days after you'd had THAT embarassing operation. You screamed as the cold water hit the newly exposed tip of your little winky and Dad had to wade in and fish you out. I'm glad Nana was there to explain to Mum and Dad how it happened. It wouldnt have been fair for them to punish me for something I didnt mean, would it?

Several years have passed since then and the trauma of that day should be well and truly out of your system. The Psychiatrist has finally signed you off and your wife says you havent had nightmares about it for a long time.

I'm very proud of you and will always be here if you need me.

Your ever loving sister xxx


p.s. Even now, after all these years, I am often reduced to tears of laughter when thinking about it. Especially the bit when you went to hit me afterwards and got a right telling off . Afterall, it WAS only an accident - wasnt it??

p.p.s. I know the second paragraph isnt STRICTLY true, but you WERE traumatised for a while.
(Thu 6th Sep 2007, 0:05, More)