b3ta.com user Sir Les Patterson
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» Shoplifting

What a way to spend Easter
Not me guvnor, but some peeps I used to work with once nicked a cardboard life-size effigy of Colonel Sanders from the local KFC take-away.

On a hill above town it had become the practice, due to some religious event or other that seems to happen just after Good Friday each year, for three wooden crosses to be stuck in the ground at the top of the hill for all the townsfolk to see.

Fast forward to the following morning and the Jolly Old Colonel Sanders effigy is to be found nailed to one of the crosses to the horror of the local God botherers. Think it was even reported in the local papers. I laughed so much, the tears ran down my legs.
(Sun 13th Jan 2008, 12:25, More)

» Training courses, seminars and conferences

Dress Code
Some time ago a colleague told me that he was once sent on a course at work. The difference with this one was that the new style of 'Management Speak' bollocks had just been introduced and this meant that this was not a course but a 'Workshop.'

The Tutor therefore asked him on the first day why he was sitting there in a boiler suit, when everyone else was formally dressed. His reply was - I wasn't wanting to get my good suit messed up in some dirty workshop.

The course was about 'Changes to accountancy procedures' so he thought that his stance on his manner of dress was a pisstake towards management with their new style of terminology.
(Sun 18th Mar 2012, 9:58, More)

» Dumb things you've done

My very first flying lesson
Many moons ago a friend moved into a new house. The previous owners had taken the wall lights from the Lounge & Dining room when they moved out and had left the bare wires taped up safely in the holes in the wall that they had been fitted into. Friend buys some new wall lights that she liked and asked me if I would install them for her.

As I was working on wires that would be live and that none of the fuses were marked with which circuit they protected, I decided that the safest way to tackle this was just to flick the main switch while I was actually making the connections and work with all the power off.

One light was duly installed and I went back to the cupboard under the stairs where the main switch was and switched everything back on to test the first light. All OK at this point so I go back to the cupboard to turn the power off again to do the second light. Went to where the other light was to be installed and started fitting it. Suddenly realised that I must have left my screwdriver in the cupboard, so went back to fetch it. Couldn't see as it was dark, so put the power back on to find it. Screwdriver found and I went back to carry on with the second light, but being the cupid stunt that I am, I forgot to turn the power off again. Pulled the bundle of wires out of the wall and unwrapped the insulating tape, touched the bare bits and 'B*A*N*G'

Woke up a few moments later seeing stars at the other side of the room being told that I had shot across the room in a cloud of sparks.

That was my first flying lesson.
(Wed 2nd Jan 2008, 10:10, More)

» Insults

'Twas on the good ship Venus
Wasn't really.I think it was called the Sunbird. On board a cruise in the Med in 2001, Lady P & myself were standing near the Pursers counter waiting to book a coach trip at the next port of call. From within an adjacent office came the loud voice of someone who we later found out was a very senior member of the crew, talking to one of her underlings. She roared - 'I'm going to rip off his head and shit down his neck.'

She obviously hadn't reckoned that dozens of passengers were within earshot. There was quite a lot of stifled laughter from many of the stuffy old fuddy-duddies nearby who obviously were not used to that type of language, but found it funny just the same.
(Tue 9th Oct 2007, 15:36, More)

» Tramps

Down, but most certainly not out!
A few months ago, there was a scruffy looking female hanging around the doors of a Te$c0 supermarket a few miles away from where we live. She was uttering the usual 'Big Issue'chant to try to get the exiting shoppers to put some coins of the realm into her grubby palm in exchange for a copy of her quality publication.

As usual I just looked the other way so as to avoid any eye contact, but as we passed I could hear that she was talking quietly in between her 'Big Issue' chants. I could not help but look round and my gast was absolutely flabbered to observe that she had a mobile phone clamped to her ear, hence the talking.

Jesus H. Christ on a bike thought I, It wasn't that many years ago that only people who were of a high status in life would have a mobile - now even the fecking tramps have got them.
(Sun 5th Jul 2009, 14:22, More)
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