» Tales of the Unexplained

I've died and come back!!
Long time ago I was playing 'golf' with a friend. Our gear consisted of a driver, 7 iron, 9 iron, a putter and a slack handful of worn golfballs purchased from a Pawn Shop.

We were playing in the old 'Welfare Grounds' which was basically a few playing fields and a cricket pitch. Before heading out to play my mum had warned us not to get into any trouble. The cricket team particularly didnt like the idea of kids belting golf balls across the cricket pitch!!

We'd basically welly the balls around and aim for the general direction of a corner of one of the playingfields where we'd dug a small hole as the cup, staying clean or the cricket pitch. A far cry from hoodies, buckfast and stabbings we see in todays youth!

I'd taken my shot (badly) and was standing off to one side waiting for the other kid to take his shot. He took an almight swing with a 7 iron, missed the ball and the next thing I remember is hearing ringing inside my head, getting tunnel vision and seeing the ground coming up to meeet my face. I didnt feel the blow at all but I kinda knew right away what had happened even as I saw the grass (in minute detail) coming up to meet me....or rather as I fell down to meet it.

This is where it gets strange and it also happened a long time before I knew about out of body experiences.
I remember ‘the tunnel of light’ a bit like the worm hole from Stargate really. I felt compelled to go to the end of it and when I got there it was like I was stood in a large open space. There was something that resembled mist or fog, thick enough that I couldn’t make out the people around me in detail, but thin enough that I could see them moving around. In the middle of this area was what I can only describe as a white fence with a gate of sorts and thats when I knew ‘shit was wrong’!!

There in the fog on the other side, barely visible, but instantly recognisable by her voice was my grandmother saying ‘’You’ve got to come with me now Tony (for that is my name). Come over here, it’s alright. Come on across’’. Somehow my mind told me what was happening and I had a crystal clear thought that whatever happened had killed me outright and that if I did as I was told, I’d be dead and stuck in whatever place this was!
I turned to her and said ‘’No, I can’t come over. I promised mum that I wouldn’t get into any trouble’’ She replied that I wouldn’t be in any trouble but I just kept repeating myself, adamant that I couldn’t do as she asked because I’d get in trouble.
Things get freakier right about now.......she says ‘’It’s your choice.’’ And the next thing I know, I’m falling, not through nothinginess, but I am falling out of the sky!! It’s like I was about 1000 feet in the air, I could see everything below me in detail. I could see the railway embankment off to one side with two people walking a dog along the top of it, the main road, the whole of the fields and there, right below me I could see Stevie shaking a very limp and prostate ‘me’!! I literally fell right INTO myself again. I can only imagine its the feeling that a parachutist with a bad chute gets as he is heading right for the ground. I ‘hit’, not the ground, but my body.
I jolted up off the ground, gasping, head pounding. Putting my hands to my head I pulled them away and they were red, soaked in thick blood. It was pumping out of a huge gash in my head, eyebrow an chin where the golf club had sliced across my face. I started screaming, like a fookin schoolgirl. IT hurt like a beatch, my head was pounding and I just kept screaming in sheer pain and shock.
As I pulled myself up off the ground, we headed as quick as we could towards Stevies house but I had to stop after about 50 yards through the dizziness, it was then that I spotted the two people and dog running across the field from the gap in the fence in the railway embankment, dog running alongside them. I was sure then that something fookin weird had happened.
I never mentioned any of this to anyone, literally not for 10 or more years, then confided in my mum about everything that happened. What I didn’t know is what Stevie had told everyone after I was rushed off to the hospital for a few stitches and a lot of ice packs on my head. He told them that after I hit the ground I wasn’t breathing. For 2 or 3 minutes he panicked and was just shaking me harder and harder, then I just jumped like I’d had an electric shock and thats when the screaming started.
I’ve had many, many weird things happen to me, probably enough to fill a whole QOTW and keep everyone entertained. Maybe post some more later! As for this experience, all I can say is that for some reason, I believe you get three chances to leave this life. The first two you get a choice, but the third is final. Dont ask me why that thought is in my head, it just is. Cats get nine ffs!!!!
(Fri 4th Jul 2008, 23:20, More)

» Too much information

Most awful alarm call!
I was serving with the British Armyand based near Cambridge. Due to my rank, I was 'Block Senior' for the single soldiers accommodation that I lived in. Not wanting to be seen as an ars3, I made up a fair set of rules for the guys in the block, basically gave them the rope, it was up to them if they hung themselves!

Now the written rule was 'No women in the accommodation after 2300'. This was stuck to during the week but I didnt mind the guys having their lady friends (or town tramps) staying over on weekends, as long as I didnt find naked women running round the accommodation at 3 in the morning!

One young guy 'Stavros' was knocking the back out a rather pretty american air hostess who used to stop by whenever she was in the UK.

One weekend, she was staying, but off on an early flight sunday morning, so saturday night we all headed into town for a good lash up. The girl in question wasnt drinking as she was flying the next day and stavros and his lady friend disappeared back to barracks early enough to make sure they had plenty quiet time before we all got back.

Next morning, Im woken by a hammering on my bunk door which does nothing for the hangover that immediately starts pounding in my skull.

I shout 'come in' and Stavros comes through the door and says 'I think my missus might have something you know'

'As in what?' I stupidly ask!

In one quick movement, he whips out his dick, pulls back the foreskin and with it about 2 feet from my face points to the red rash around his bell end!

'Stavros, Get you fekkn dick out of my face' I shouted, next thing you know, everyone is knockin to come and see his rash in my room!

Turns out it was only thrush, but being 'Dad' of the block, I still had to go and buy him Canesten at the chemist as the poor young lad was so embarrassed!
(Sat 8th Sep 2007, 23:34, More)

» Dumb things you've done

Hot footing it out of there!!!
As a kid, all things flammable were interesting.

One summer holiday we went rummaging about in some abandoned garages and found a petrol tin which still had a litre or so of fuel sloshing round in it.

After much discussion about how best to utilise our new discovery, we decided on smoking the moles out of their molehills from the field outside.

So, we traipsed across to the molehills, used a stick to dig down to the tunnel under the mound of earth and then poured a little petrol into each one.

After sharing out the matches, we struck and lit the petrol. Totally unimpressed with the lack of 20 foot high fireballs, we watched the small flames flickering away, resigning ourselves that we weren't going to be getting any moles out of those holes.

Next thing we heard was ashout from the top of the field....THE FARMER!!! I shouted to the others. This farmer was one for the old 12 guage double barrel rock salt punishment and was heading rapidly down the field towards us.

Trying to destroy the evidence I stamped out the flames and legged it in true 'bomb burst' fashion away from the others. (The thinking being, if you get caught, you dont grass on the others and they will do the same for you!).

I get no more than 10 yards before realising my shoes were on fire and the cheap plastic bits on them was melting through my socks to my feet. Panicking, I ripped them off and threw them into the stream before making off in my bare feet!

My poor mind had not worked out that liquid (petrol) plus soft soil (molehills) equals mud!.....mud that sticks to things and stays burning!

I didnt get caught off the farmer, but I got the hiding of my life off my mother when she caught me with scorched feet. She had a penchant for using bamboo canes for whipping me with (this wasnt China either, this was North East England, mid 1980s!) but at least the pain from all the open weals on my arms and legs took my mind off my singed feet!
(Thu 20th Dec 2007, 12:58, More)

» I Drank Meths (pointless teenage things you did to shock)

Not wanted in class...fine!
I had a maths teached called Mr Russel who was a slightly crusty individual, always with the remnants of his last meal on his tie and shirt, sometimes I'm sure it was more like the last three meals.

Sat in class one day and a frind used a big steel ruler to flip an eraser (I would say rubber but the merry cans would get confused) towards said teacher.

It must haave reached Mach 5 in the time it tok to travel the 15 feet or so towards the front of the class. Just before its rendezvous with Mr Russels head, he snapped around t oface the class and cought it slap bang in the middle of his forehead. A thoroughly amusing SLAP reverberated around the classroom and myself and my friends collapsed in tears of laughter as his forehead grew redder and redder.

I was quickly singled out as the instigator and even though I completely protested my innocence (and I was indeed innocent of the deed!) I was told to pick up my table and chair and go and sit outside of the classroom.

So I jammed my desk by the door but was so far back I couldnt read the blackboard. The buildings were single storey, with one whole side of the class being a large glass window. So, I picked up my desk, carried it outside and plonked it down outside the window where I could see the blackboard. Mr Russel pokes his head out of the window and asks what I think I am doing so I explain that I couldnt see the board from the back of the class and its much nicer out here in the sun anyway.

He let me get on with it, not wanting to encourage me further. Every class after that I moved my desk outside to the same spot on sunny days, or to the door on rainy days. He just let me get onwith it!
(Wed 25th Jul 2007, 13:14, More)

» Accidental animal cruelty

The light...The light!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Not cruel, but not exactly kind!

I live with a couple of friends who have two great cats. The magic of laser pointers drives them insane when the little red dot of light is zipping across the carpet and up the walls. They go completely nuts for it!

On day 'S' was sitting watching TV and during the ads started whizzing the light around on the carpet. The cats went nuts for it as usual and then came the evil grin on 'S' face.

He moved the red dot around the room and finished with it on the switch for the TV. Both cats sat transfixed watching it, waiting fo rthe next move. 'S' then put the TV on standby and left the cats now staring at the red LED of the TV power button instead of the laser pointer.

After an hour, both cats were still there watching the red LED and 'S' couldn't bare to leave them there like that, so whizzed the laser pointer about a bit to get them out of their trance!

They still fall for the same trick every time!
(Thu 13th Dec 2007, 13:28, More)