b3ta.com user Tarquin DLM
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» I Drank Meths (pointless teenage things you did to shock)

I wish I could claim credit for this, but unfortunately it was my friend Shaun.

While playing football in a PE lesson he managed to dribble the ball around our smug overly competitive (bearing in mind he was competing against children) PE teacher, Mr Bickley, and belt it into the back of the net.

To celebrate he then dropped his shorts and screamed "Kiss this Bickley!" While mooning at him.

Needless to say he was sent straight to the school office. He turned up after lunch time with a letter of apology that he had been instructed to write by the office. Only he hadn't really, he'd just gone for a smoke then cobbled a few lines together. Bickley sussed this straight away, so back to the office he went.

My school took quite a dim view of lying and indecent exposure so Shauns parents were called. When Shaun, mum, dad and the head teacher were in the office, the head says, "so shaun, would you like to tell us why we are here?"

So shaun just says "Coz I scored a goal
then mooned Mr Bickley" At which point his dad pisses himself laughing.

Good just coz the head was a self righteous cnut.
(Fri 20th Jul 2007, 19:42, More)

» Desperate Times

Is it desperation if you do it repeatedly.
As students most saturday nights we would eat takeaway pizza (not that unusual). We just couldnt face washing up plates and it occured to us that the added bonus of pizza is that it comes in a box. Which is perfect for using as a plate the next day for roast dinners, gravy and all.

If you ate fast it was fine.
(Fri 16th Nov 2007, 16:50, More)

» Bodge Jobs

Dear B3TA
I to used to believe that if you can't fix something with duck tape, it wasn't worth fixing. Until a friends wise old dad explained to me, that if you can't fix something with duck tape, you are not using enough duck tape.

Hope this clears things up.

*I don't and have never worked for duck tape, although thinking about it I would quite like to.
(Fri 11th Mar 2011, 19:15, More)

» Why should you be fired from your job?

Not me but some of the muppets at work.
I'm a junior doctor and as such have to change jobs every year on the 1st of august. Everyone does, and has done, same day, for the last fifty years.

So on august 1st I turn up, along with 150 others to be told about fire safety and get my ID badge and parking permit. (Both Essential).

Unfortunately, the woman (who's one fucking job it is) who gives out ID badges, has gone on fucking holiday! For two weeks. If I hadn't already been working in the NHS for years I wouldn't believe it.

Anyway in the end someone else turns up who doesn't really know how to work the machine and we all have to wait in line for 2 hours. So two hours times 150 doctors hrly rates. She's cost the hospital thousands.

But no-one ever gets fired from the NHS for incompetence (thanksfully even doctors).
(Thu 9th Aug 2007, 18:07, More)

» Things to do before you die

Become a verb
I'd like to invent something / some process which would be eponymous and ideally a major feature in future life. But I have a feeling it would more likely be something disgusting you do to some one/thing.
(Sun 17th Oct 2010, 19:43, More)
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