b3ta.com user Lanceuppercut
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» Customers from Hell

Many moons ago i used to work in a pub/resturant type place.

So one night standing at the bar having a smoke before my shift starts and its mega busy so decide to start early and help the chaps behind the bar.

Get changed and come out and there is this fat little woman screaming at my manager.

FLW - Him, that yid over there, he is the one.

Me - Me?

FLW - Yeah you fucking yid.

Me - Eh?

FLW - You didnt bring my order over like i asked you to, fucking yids.

Me - But ive just started my shift and havent served anyone yet so i think youve got me confused.

FLW - You lying yid, dont fucking lie to me.

Then she throws a pint glass at me

Me - Thanks for that, great start to my shift that is.

She then tries to jump over the bar to attack me, but slips off and falls to the floor, of course i started to laugh as did most of the people at the bar.

FLW - im gonna get you fired you fucking yid bastard.

Me - You do that.

She then left but not without throwing more stuff at me.

The next week she comes in, spots me behind the bar, i spy her and she just stands there. Then runs at the bar screaming YYYYYYYYIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD, but she fell again, i laughed again, police were called.

Now, i should point out i dont look Jewish, have never been mistaken for being Jewish and have no idea what she was on about. Was pretty funny though. I never did see her again.
(Fri 5th Sep 2008, 3:47, More)

» Blood

I punched the missus last night...
Not as you would imagine.

Was doing the deed. Left arm gave way, just at that time i was "adjusting" myself as had popped out. Paniced and tried to keep up by slamming my right arm back onto the bed to keep myself up.

Missed the bed and smashed her right in the chops. Blood everywhere, took forever to clean up.

Her mum & dad get to ours on friday, this morning she had a lovely black eye coming on and a bloody nose.

Im in big trouble as her old man is a monster
(Wed 13th Aug 2008, 3:36, More)

» Have you ever seen a dead body?

Long story coming up, I know its too late to get many clicks but I thought id tell it anyway and ive been wondering all week whether to post it or not.

Its about the Bali bombings back in 2002.

Me and 2 mates went over for a nice long 3 week holiday to Bali back in 02’ We were having a great time, doing sod all but lazing on the beach and getting sloshed every night, it was ace. Then came that Saturday night.

Earlier in the week a mate from back home had emailed me and said his new missus was out there visiting friends at the same time we were and we should meet for a drink. So that Saturday morning we got in contact with her and we arranged to meet for drink that night. I had only met her once before and the other lads had never met her.

We did what we always did, got way to drunk way to early so we were typical tourists and walking down the street pissed as. We stopped for some grub on the walk to Paddys Pub where we were meeting her, we must have been 200 meters away when we heard the first bomb, to be honest I don’t remember the noise as such, just like a loud “pop” and then silence, then a few screams, we didn’t move from our spot. Then the car bomb went off, I heard and felt that, knocked me onto my back and put a fair amount of glass into my left hand side. But I was ok. Again silence for what seemed like forever and then the screams started again but this time it was so much worse, quick check of mates and we were all cut but mostly fine.

To be honest I don’t remember the next 10 mins or so, we just stumbled around confused, then we remembered “J”. Again I don’t remember what happened but went towards the pub and it was just chaos, but very quiet which I still cant get out of my head.

Ended up at the hospital searching for J as we knew she was in that pub when they went off. We couldn’t find her anywhere so we went back to our room all in shock, we sat up all night drinking and none of us saying anything, we all had a few cuts but nothing serious and most of the glass wasn’t deep and we all sat there picking it out of our legs/arms.

Next morning went back to the hospital, took about 4 hours but I found out that J was there. Only she didn’t make it. I don’t know what my feeling was to be honest, I didn’t know this girl at all but I knew my mate was madly in love with her (they had been together about a year but I was living in Canada for most of that time). Going to cut this short as im waffling.

Went to identify her at the hospital as she had no ID with her, as I said id only met her once and I was smashed. It was horrible, they warned me it was grim but went into this tiny room and they pulled the cover back, she was a mess but it was her and I was sure it was her, but she was missing a very large piece of the back of her head and various other parts. I left the hospital and cried, I knew I had to call our mate back in the UK and tell him that the love of his life was gone.

That was the hardest phone call ive ever had, he didn’t believe us and cried a lot.

He got on the next flight out and we met him at the airport, it was horrible.

None of us are really good mates anymore, im not sure what happened but it affected us all badly and differently. I ended up moving to Aus a few years ago and don’t really speak to them anymore.

Christ that was long, thanks if you made it this far.
(Thu 6th Mar 2008, 3:11, More)

» Bastard Colleagues

Now this is probably mostly my own fault and im still angry at myself even though it was a couple of years ago.

First of all I work in advertising (and yes its full of smug wankers)

Now my flatmate of the time was a bit of a twat but a nice enough bloke and we got on ok. He had just lost his job working as a print/production monkey and was struggling for cash. The shit hole I was working at needed a production guy for a couple of weeks so I put his name forward so he could get working again (and pay some fucking bills).

Within a week of working he had –

Pissed off pretty much everyone with his shit boring stories
Shag 3 girls (and im convinced one bloke)
Dropped me in the shit a number of times by saying I told him to do things a certain way
Got pissed on 2 beers one lunch and fell asleep at his desk
Left on the Friday without doing one piece of work, which I had to then do as I had recommended him to the company.

He got paid nearly 2 grand for that one weeks work for doing not one thing and left me with a stinking reputation in the company.

That weekend he accused me of trying to get him the sack and punched a hole in the door. I chucked him out the next day.

But the worst thing.

18 months ago I moved to Sydney. First day of work, who is my new boss??? That’s right it was fucko. He had been on holiday whilst I was being interviewed. I lasted 3 weeks and then we had a punch up and we both got sacked. Cheers mate.

Although he did serve me dinner the other night as a waiter in some shit restaurant so that made me smile.

He was shit at that too.
(Wed 30th Jan 2008, 3:44, More)

» Pathological Liars

Kate you crazy girl...
It was my mates missus, now his wife.

He met her in our horrible local one cold night about 3 years ago, she wasn’t unattractive but she had something weird about her from that first moment they started talking and ended up at our table.

From those first five minutes of them talking and us listening we heard her saying how she was a lesbian (great we thought, we can watch), she was pregnant (despite being a lesbian and had never slept with a man), I vaguely remember us laughing and walking off and leaving him with the nutter and we assumed he would get rid and join us playing darts.

Except they left 5 mins later. Couple of days later we see him in the pub again looking very white.

She was pregnant. We already knew this we told him, she told us the other night. Apparently that was a lie and he was the dad, we told him to get a test done and get shot of her asap.

Turns out she was lying, but he wouldn’t believe it, 6 months after they met out popped a baby, we questioned him on the dates but he didn’t want to know.

Also the kid was very dark (not black but much darker than the “parents”) and seeing as our mate was pretty much albino many laughs were had.

Tried to avoid her as much as I could but some of the lies were great.

She had worked for the government years ago (she was 19 when we met her) and when they are running low on money they would call her company and she would go round putting flu bugs into lampposts that would spray out and make people ill so they would by lockets/lemsips etc thus giving the government enough money for that month????????

Her dad was the guy who stabbed Monica Seles. Her dad was a scum bag but the guy who stabbed her was called Gunter and German or something, her dad was called Ian.

She was walking home one day and saw a jumbo jet land on the motorway and take off again, funny how it never made the news. She reckons it was Aliens.

Her sister was a spy and had been living in Russia doing spy stuff. She had no sister.

After a row with my mate apparently id shagged her, despite the fact im now living in Sydney and she is in London. My mate even called me and went nuts, apparently id flown back just to shag her and left again that night. He still thinks I did it.

Oh and they have 3 kids now, very much doubt any or his, he even reckons 1 is mine, despite not being back to the UK in over 2 years, the kid is only 10 months old FFS.

Length, there’s more but I haven’t the heart.
(Tue 4th Dec 2007, 1:49, More)
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