» Pubs

I've
Seen an acquaintance walk into a pub gents, and while saying something to his two mates urinating into the already overflowing trough (blocked with sick) slip on the piss sodden floor. He fell face first against the wall, knocked himself out, then collapsed sideways into the trough.

His mates, in a fine display of concern gave a mighty cheer, then shifted their aim so they were both pissing on him in tandem.

Charming.
(Sat 7th Feb 2009, 14:44, More)

» Shit Stories: Part Number Two

There's been a number of times.
I've not checked the public bog paper situation and had to resort to my socks.

I'm dreading the time in summer when I'll be wearing sandals and don't have that option. I know it's coming..... :(

My brother in law is a right one (He has work odd shoes to work before, and wondered why he was walking funny)

Apparently he was walking towards the bus stop to go to work. After a weekend on the lash, he's a bit windy. Forcing one out he shits himself, and feels it running down the back of his legs. Going home, he opens the door and tells his wife she's going to have to give him a lift into work. Without batting an eyelid she says "You've shit yourself haven't you?"

I've done something similar once. It was on a works night out, and we went for an italian. Fairly decent meal, pretty bland, although it tasted a bit odd, but not unpleasantly so. I was on the 40 minute buss ride home, pretty drunk and my stomach starts grumbling at me.
"Hmmm, that's a bit loud, and by christ, it's churning pretty badly"

Things very quickly go from mild amusement and childish sniggering as I fire off fart after fart, to gripping the handrail in front, eyes rolling and pouring with sweat with a small ball of burning ice in the front of my gut. I can remember the point it stopped being funny. It was mid fart where I just reined it in, in time. The "Oh oh. This isn't feeling too good" moment.

I was three stops away from home. There were bushes around a public park next to two lakes. I really don't want to go outside, but that option is no longer an option. It's going to happen, it's just a small matter of time.

As I get off the bus my waters broke. My gut clenched as I couldn't last any longer. I now start to feel really, really sick and figure it'd be better to get home. Involuntary spasm after involuntary spasm forced what I can only assume to be food poisoning out of my system. I've never felt so dirty in my life, walking the rest of the mile or so home with my abdomen clutching, ensuring the rest of the bad food was expelled. It was like a sine wave of filth. down - *phhhhtttt* "Oh jesus", over the worse, top - *pthhhhh* "oh come on.... please...." - down *pthhhhhh* *sobbing*

It was when I threw up down my front that things went from bad to worse. :(
(Mon 31st Mar 2008, 11:24, More)

» Pubs

During
An all day session a good number of years back, I made the mistake of buying a pint of lager.

Unfortunately, I can only drink a single pint / pint and a half before gagging (although I can drink cans of lager no problem) and got that watery mouth feeling that heralds the bowk arising. You all know it. It's impossible to swallow it back down, and your gorge starts undulating.

I stumbled to closest place I could throw up which happened to be the pub door. Knocking it open, the floodgates opened and I jettisoned a belly full of Guinness, real ale, and the last pint of Stella that had caused the dicky tummy. Straight into the path of an old bloke walking past.

Alas, I'd love to say it covered him in rich stomach broth, but for a 60+ year old he must have been a gymnast in his youth as he twirled away in a glittering display of finesse, uttering the words “jesus FUCKING CHRIST” and then proceeded to walk on without looking back. I bet he gives every pub doorway a wide berth now.....
(Fri 6th Feb 2009, 16:39, More)

» Annoying Partners

The missus
Is great, I think we've had one argument in 9+ years.

One thing that drives me absolutely spare though is shopping.

Her?

Pick up item of food. Read back. Put it down. Pick up another. Read back. Put it in trolley. Pick up out of trolley, pick up another. Read back. Put down. Pick up another. Read back. Put in trolley. Pick out of trolley. Back on shelf. Pick up first pack and ponder for a minute. Place in trolley.

Repeat for every item required.

Me?

Grab first one I see. Bung in trolley. Done.
(Mon 8th Aug 2011, 11:33, More)

» Letters they'll never read

I only
Told you I loved you because you were an emotionaly abusive, psycho bitch and it was easier than dealing with the self harm and screaming arguments.

I didn't. Ever.

You did teach me a valuable lesson though. Not to put up with that shite. Watching you cry on the floor threatening to kill yourself was my second birth. It made me a stronger person. I'm now happily married to an ex (yes, that one, the one you caused a massive argument with when you said to her then boyfriend "what will you do when they get back together?" and have a 4 month old son who's the center of my world.

So you will never read this. Good. Fuck you and thank you in equal measures.
(Fri 5th Mar 2010, 16:03, More)