b3ta.com user Hugh Jambton
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» Crap Gadgets

A cautionary tale - sorry for length
It's not that I am accident prone, it's that accidents seem to occur near to where I happen to be. Take DIY, for instance.
Went out to paint the fence one day, having purchased one of those spray pumps and paint for the garden fencing. I personally recommend, particularly if you are easily swayed by television advertisements, you put all notions of technology in the garden to one side and use a brush to paint the fences!
I assembled the pump and filled it with chestnut coloured fence paint, duly primed the pump and pressurized the tank, all well there. After spraying the first panel I was not suitably impressed, but it did work. Anyway, moved to panel 2, just off the patio area and re-pumped to pressurize when, BANG! The pipe came off the pump.
There was fence paint on the roof of the house extension, the conservatory, me, patio doors, patio and a huge radius of garden extending to some 15 feet! I couldn't see, because my glasses were covered (good job I had them on), then it was a toss-up, do I go for the hose to clean up the garden or have a shower first? Well the hose won, and I even had to get the ladders out to get chestnut paint off the roof of the extension and conservatory. Finally, after a couple of hours cleaning I went and had a shower and had to virtually use a brillo pad to get the stuff off, which was well and truly dried. I was still glowing red following all the abrasion, good job I didn't get any down the front of my pants! Jean arrived home and said, have you been in the garden, you look like you've caught the sun. I don't know what stopped me thumping her one! On top of that my eldest daughter remarked as I slumped at the dining table, "Dad, there's still paint on the conservatory roof".
Anyway, that morning there was, what appeared to be, a chestnut hue to a large circle just off the patio, this included plants, grass and various wildlife, like chestnut coloured blackbirds and blue tits, frogs and newts! Oh! Also noticed brown splashes on the guttering and the bedroom windows of the upper floor too.
I was thinking of taking the pump back for a refund, but I doubt whether I could have stood the embarrassment of having to explain. The last straw would have been that the next door neighbour had videoed the event and I would appear on "You've Been Framed", which I suppose would have been OK for a cut of the £250 transmission fee.
Two days later my neighbour, Phyllis, asked if I had been painting with red paint. It transpires she had splashes of fence paint across her windows. She refused my offer of reparation, saying, "No thank you, I'll do it myself". Obviously not impressed with me.
(Wed 5th Oct 2011, 15:40, More)

» Personal Ads

Friends reunited
Tracked down a girl I dated at school through said site, told her how much I had wanted her at school. Suprise! We met at a Premier Lodge and spent the whole afternoon shagging like pornstars. I think the fact she turned up to be wearing basque and stockings under some failrly plain clothes clinched it as well. Boy does she do it for me.
We have continued this illicit relationship for more years than I care to remember and she's still hot.
(Fri 14th Sep 2007, 17:52, More)

» Annoying Partners

Annoying, but the best shag ever...
... She'd get me to take her to dinner, then gently suggest, following her sweet, that I take her home and make love. Fine!
When she got drunk she ask to be taken home to be FUCKED, with a capital F. Best sex I have ever and I mean, EVER, had.
Then things got really heavy in the serious department, marriage, move in, stop over a few days.
All this when she agreed from the outset it would be just for fun.
Then the phone calls, "Now you've fucked me you don't want to see me again". Nothing was further from the truth.
Why is it that we are not able to run a relationship as agreed from the start?
(Thu 4th Aug 2011, 22:28, More)

» Voyeurism

I am cruel
he was just on the point of vinegar strokes in the back of the car on Cannock Chase when I march up to the car window and tap gently on the glass, evil bastard that I am!
She, who is sat astride, riding like one of the Valkyrie, leaps off his lap and buries her face in the car seat.
We'd watched you all the way until that point, arrival, move from front seats to back, her undoing her blouse and baring her ample chest then jumping onto his todger, oh waht joy!
(Fri 12th Oct 2007, 10:54, More)