b3ta.com user bald old git
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» Conned

Way back in the mists of time when I still thought AOL was the internet...

I made friends with a woman in one of AOL's chat rooms. We got on really well and although things got a bit flirty there was never really anything sexual: she was married and I wasn't planning on coming between her and her husband. We met a few times and then she seduced me. Well I say seduced... she said "my husband has just told me he slept with someone else five years ago and he doesn't understand why I am upset: let's have sex" and I said "erm ... ok".

A few weeks later I was just about to shut down my PC when I get an IM from a girl I have never seen before saying "hi, I liked you profile, do you want to chat?" Being a polite sort of person I said ok and we chatted for a while. She was flirty but I wasn't really as she had told me she was 18 and I wasn't really interested in someone who was only a few years older than my kids.

Over the next few day this girl wouldn't leave me alone. Everytime I logged on she would appear and I, being a little bewildered, would chat to her giving fairly noncommital answers to everything.

To be honest I was flattered that this pretty young thing would be interested in me (and yes, she said she was bisexual and that distracted me from rational thought) so I probably ignored the warning signs. Like when she sent me "naughty" photos of herself which, while similar looking girls, were obviously different people.
Her: Yeah, they were taken a few years apart
Me: Jesus, that means you must have been underage in some of them
Her: My mum and dad are really liberal

Then she started asking questions:
Her: Have you ever slept with a married woman?
Me: Yes, my ex wife
Her: No, I mean someone else's wife. I find it a real turn on.
Me: Yes, but it was nothing special
Her: I have a thing about red headed women, have you been with one?
Me: Yes, it was all a bit crap really
Her: Tell me about it
Me: I don't kiss and tell
Her: If you want I could come round and you could reenact it
Me: Thanks but you are a bit young.

Now I sound like I was the model of restraint but truth be told I did give her more information than I would liked her to have had and, in the face of her advances and I was less cautious than I would like to have been. Eventually she asked if I wanted to see another picture of her. As she sent it she said she was on the right.
So the photo slowly downloads and there on the left is the woman I shagged a few weeks ago. And on the right is this very burly man who is very obviously her husband.

I got a phone call that night from the woman "so, I am a crap lay am I? I was nothing special?"
She had got home from work and been presented with the edited highlights of a week of chat.

I was left feeling more foolish than I have ever felt. The only consolation is that I never gave out my address.
(Thu 18th Oct 2007, 14:21, More)

» Personal Ads

there are quite a few I could write but...
Last night at the dinner table my son says "I found you on B3TA ... I recognised your vasectomy story"
"Oh" say my wife to me "what else did you put on there?"
"Well there was the vasectomy story and the one about my mum asking my ex for porn"
My son went pale and quietly said "You mean that was you? I'd already read that and didn't look at who posted it by the time I worked out your name. You mean that was nanny?"

So, to save my son having even more information, I had best not post anything about any experience with internet dating I may or may not have had. Which is a pity because the one about the mad welsh woman and the candles is mildly amusing.
(Fri 14th Sep 2007, 14:22, More)

» Voyeurism

My office overlooks some flats in the Barbican. We are the only company left in our particular office block and, I guess, most of the people in the Barbican don't realise they can be seen.

So a sudden movement makes me glance over and I am rewarded by someone opening the curtains. The law of averages would suggest that at least 50% of them would be female but no, with the exception of one flat all the others seem to be occupied by fat hairy naked blokes.

The image that is burned into my brain is watching some guy open the curtains, hunt around, pick up a pair of y-fronts, smell them and then shrug and put them on.
(Thu 11th Oct 2007, 21:42, More)

» Too much information

my mum
sidled up to my ex (while we were still married) and asked if we had any porn she could borrow.

As if that wasn't enough she went onto explain that she wanted to show it to her new boyfiend because he had led a very sheltered life and didn't believe there was anything other than the missionary position. She said he had nearly jumped out of bed when she tried to go down on him.

Actually come to think about it, my ex wife didn't have to tell me. She must have really hated me.
(Thu 6th Sep 2007, 13:28, More)

» Stupid Dares

More eyes...
When I was four my dad worked on the supply boats servicing the North Sea oil rigs. He was working out of Norway and we went over one summer to spend some time with him.

The cook on the boat had some cod and dared my older brother to feed the eyes to me.

Which he did. He told me they were crocodile eyes and they were a delicacy. So I ate them and they were delicious. Sort of salty and crunchy and runny and chewy all at the same time. I asked for, and received, seconds and I enjoyed them so much I didn't notice the entire crew were watching me eat them.

For years when ever anyone asked me what my favourite food was I would say crocodile eyes and explain that they were a delicacy from Egypt and they were very hard to get hold of.

Years later (I was in my thirties) I was discussing food with my mum. I remembered the crododile eyes and how I had enjoyed so much and she finally told me what they were.

Hmm, maybe this should have been in the conned QOTW from a couple of weeks ago.
(Thu 1st Nov 2007, 13:06, More)
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