b3ta.com user Colonel Santiago
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Profile for Colonel Santiago:
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Los Conios.
Radio Nasties.

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» Too much information

A Mate of mine,
told me about when he worked for the NHS doing all kinds of testy type things on blood, piss, shit and the odd amputated limb.

One day a smallish clear bag arrived in his in-tray with a stubbly pink worm inside. It had one big brown eye and stank of shit.

He had been delivered an amputated anus, with 5 inches of poop-tunnel still attached.

He used it a a pencil topper on his bosses biro when he wasn't in the room.

I didn't want or need to know that you could have your ass cut off and still be alive.
(Thu 6th Sep 2007, 14:53, More)

» The thing I've been most ashamed of doing with a penis

It was shortly after durex launched their 'play' range of lubes
and me and the then Ms Santiago decided to give the 'warming' stuff a go...

Mmm... 'Hot cock' thinks I - this could be fun!

However, I neglected to consider my very sensitive skin and liberally applied the stuff to my old fella.

*hot hot hot!*

The warming wasn't unpleasant and Ms Santiago appeard to be having a whale of a time too - result!

However, upon retiring for a post-coital shower, the skin on my old chap looked VERY tight (even when flaccid) and washing wasn't getting rid of the heat.

What happened over the next few days (and lasted about 3 weeks in total) was the most excruciating thing I've ever felt - My cock 'peeled' and shed it's skin. My raw shame was untouchable and the doctor was unable to do anything about it. I had 3 weeks off work and spent all of my time naked from the waist down bathing my loins with cold water.

Never. EVER, again.
(Fri 13th Mar 2009, 12:12, More)

» Cringe!

Milton Keynes Bowl - Metallica
Halfy, there must be something about this band/venue combo that jinxes those of us prone to bouts of stupidity...

I too saw the 'tallica there ('97?) and, as an impressionable young lad at the time, decided to dye my hair a dark purple. My light brown locks didn't take well to it and it turned bright, fucking, Barbie pink.

I managed to get sunburnt that day too. This coupled with the fact that I was halfway through growing my hair and was at the 'shoulder-length bob' stage, meant that all the bigger boys took great pleasure in pointing out that with my throbbing red body and giant pink hair-helmet, I really, REALLY resembled a massive penis.
(Fri 28th Nov 2008, 14:15, More)

» Real-life slapstick

The Shopping Trolley (or how to permanently alter one's facial features)
Back in the heady days of my youth, I'm ashamed to say i was a chav of the highest order. Puffa Jacket? - Check. Fila Trainers? - Check. Disgusting yellow-gold jewellery from Elizabeth Duke at Argos? - Check.

With this in mind, and it being the early '90s you can see why I thought the coolest thing in the fucking world (and the one thing SURE to make the ladies swoon over my puny 11 year old frame) was to be the best rollerskater this side of side of the zider farm.

I went religiously to the roller disco and gradually got good enough that I was allowed on the ramps with the bigger boys, for a precious 10 minutes per week whilst my peers were temporarily banished from the rink to watch forlornly from the sidelines.

Having been granted my new god-like status, I felt it was time to 'up' my game. I went with a select few friends to an empty Safeway carpark one Sunday afternoon and we made jumps. Stupid jumps. Jumps made from beer crates and hardboard. We didn't know how flimsy wet hardboard can get and our jumps failed horribly.

With no ramp left, out only option was to jump OVER things.

1x beer crate - Easy
2x stacked beer crates - Done
3x stacked beer crates - BOSH! - I'm a jumping god!
But, hang on, 3 crates are higher than a trolley, I bet I can jump one of those...

I took a hefty run-up of around 15 parking spaces and wet full steam ahead towards the trolley. As I flew majestically through the air, I knew something was wrong. I was dropping too quickly. I managed to land IN the trolley! But my momentum, coupled with the fucking stupid wheels trolleys have, whipped my legs from under me so fast, I didn't even have time to put my arms out to break my fall.

What I did do, was break my fall with my teeth. A full-on, face-plant, front teeth landing. There was barely any skin left on my face and man, was I covered in blood...

I did what any 11 year old would do and bawled my fucking eyes out whilst skating home fuelled by pure adreneline.

My mates tell me they couldn't leave the car park for a good ten minutes due to sheer pant-wetting hysteria.


EDIT: I am no longer a chav.
(Thu 21st Jan 2010, 13:33, More)

» Family codes and rituals

Scouser's pet reminded me...
When I was about 17 and had just started 'going out' in town, the bus I used to catch would drive through the red light district of Bristol (before they clamped down and the ladies of the night moved on).

On the journey, me and my brother would regularly play 'Spot the Hooker' - You shout when you see one, first one to shout gets that point, most points wins free pint etc.

However, having played this for several months we grew bored and had to introduce new ideas to keep the game fresh. We started to give the ladies 'Names'. These could then be used in conjunction with a shout to gain a bonus point.

Cue the hideously embarrassing experience of walking through town with my Mum on Saturday morning and loudly exclaiming "Look there's Debbie the Hooker!"

Mum was not pleased I knew a hooker's name and took a lot of persuading to believe in the game. She has since however, been known to play along on occasion!
(Fri 21st Nov 2008, 14:18, More)
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