b3ta.com user clockworkkillbot
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» Evil Pranks

Try this one at home
Choose a target and get all of your friends to ring them up and ask 'Is Dave there?' (or suitable name to fit the situation). Of course Dave isn't there, as your target will repeatedly inform people.

Keep this going until the early hours of the morning when your target is majorly pissed off, then call them yourself and say 'Hi, its Dave. Any messages for me?'

Works a treat :)
(Mon 17th Dec 2007, 17:11, More)

» Evil Pranks

Spunky Monkey
Years back (must have been, I still had hair) my mate Phil developed a novel strategy for pulling women. This strategy took the form of an uber-cute glove puppet monkey, called 'Spunky' which Phil would use to lure unwitting ladies into his ghastly clutches.

Initially this had novelty value, until Phil insisted in taking Spunky everywhere with him, even when there were no women for Phil to lure.

One evening, while crashing at a mate's house after a night on the piss, we decided that enough was enough...Spunky had to go, and in the most spectacular style possible. So with Phil momentarily distracted (I think somebody waved a piece of tinfoil on some string in front of him) I grabbed said monkey and pegged it upstairs to lock myself in the bathroom, followed by Phil screaming for his monkey.

Once in the bathroom, I shoved Spunky down the back of my trousers, flushed the loo and unlocked the door. Phil burst in and lunged his hand down the toilet to try and rescue poor Spunky, but alas he was gone...

Phil, understandably, was a little put out by this and went back downstairs to sulk. Taking advantage of this, I sidled quietly to the kitchen and got to work. One breadknifing later, and Spunky's head was detached from his body. Having then put out one of his eyes (I never liked the way that monkey looked at me), I liberally splashed the decapitated spunky with red food colouring, then snuck back upstairs.

Later that night, when Phil went to go to bed (still in a sulk), the silence of the night was shattered with a scream of 'YOU BASTARDS!' as Phil discovered his beloved monkey's head on his pillow along with a note reading 'Daddy, daddy! Look what they've done to me! The Horror, The Horror.'

Ahhhh, happy days.

Though short-lived, two weeks later 'gropey trunky' the elephant made his debut...
(Thu 13th Dec 2007, 16:40, More)

» Darwin Awards

No sharp objects, or naked flames, or anything really
My dad has for years been on a one-man crusade to remove himself from the gene pool - flipping Sierra Cosworth's at 90 on the motorway ('Dad's had a bit of a prang in the car' says Mum - cue me walking outside to see a Cosworth sans passenger compartment on the drive - how the fuck he drove it home after I will never know).

My favourite came after the big storm of 87 in the UK. We lived down in Surrey which suffered the full force of the storm. In our back garden was a Eucalyptus tree - don't ask me why, we lived in Surrey for fucks sake, not New South Wales.

Anyway, during the night of the storm, the power of nature was brought to my attention as said tree was ripped out of the ground and thrown rather violently at my bedroom - thankfully Eucalyptus trees are very springy and it bounced off the house and landed in the garden.

Fast forward one week - Dad decides to get rid of the tree himself - with a chainsaw... you can imagine the scene, me and my mum watching him from the lounge, me with 999 ready on speed dial and she with the life insurance policy clutched in her hand.

Cue amazement as he doesn't cut his own head, limbs, etc off and neatly slices the 60ft tree and accompanying branches into easily moveable pieces. Which he then proceeded to put into the skip hired for this purpose.

Trouble is there were too many bits to fit into the skip. Enter stage left - dad having the idea that a skip must be like a bin, when its full you push down on the stuff in it and put more in. But how to do this? Of course, climb into the skip and start pushing stuff by hand...not working you say? Well jump on it of course.

Now as I said, Eucalyptus trees are springy, VERY springy, even when cut up into small pieces. Imagine the fun we had as my dad gave one ruddy great leap from the edge of the skip onto the pile of highly-sprung branches, only to be bounced straight back out again, over the edge of the skip to land on the concrete driveway. Luckily he only broke an arm, but I always wondered if he broke his head as well.

And don't even get me started on the time he decided to clear the long grass at the top of our hilly previous garden with a can of petrol. I can still see my grandad pissing himself laughing as my dad rolls down the garden smoking and sans eyebrows.

Its amazing he lasted long enough to have me.
(Tue 17th Feb 2009, 15:45, More)

» The Dirty Secrets of Your Trade

We are the law
I work for a big law firm. Our office is a hollowed out volcano and we are trying to take over the world. However, I don't get a natty labcoat with my name on it.

I feel cheated.
(Thu 27th Sep 2007, 11:30, More)

» Being told off as an adult

Frisbee of doom
Many, many years ago (I remember when all this was fields you know!) as one did in the early 90s, three of us spent a day getting ripped to the tits on cheap weed and dubious acid while wandering around the leafy streets of Surrey. Being monged out of our minds we decided that to entertain ourselves we would throw a tennis ball between us as we walked (for eight or nine hours as it turned out, but hey we were easily pleased).

Staggering out of the pub at closing time (see told you it was a long time ago), we proceeded to wander down the road still throwing the ball and giggling like numbskulls until young Phil (of bloodhound eyes and dubious standards in the opposite sex) luzzed the ball a little too hard resulting in it landing on the roof of the 24 hour garage.

Dejected and crestfallen we stocked up on rizzla and tabs at the garage, then noticed a frisbee in the window. 'Gis the frisbee mate, we lost our ball' - fully armed again, G ran across the road at the pedestrian crossing and waiting until a bunch of cars were approaching, hit the button and waited for the lights to change. As said cars came to a halt at the lights, he threw the frisbee across (nice throw too - very smooth flight) - straight across the bonnet of the policecar that was the first at the lights.

Hmmmm, one quick burst on the woowoos and a very stern telling off later, we were sent on our way - pockets still brimming with class As and Bs, and our tails between our legs. Not the behaviour the police expected from a bunch of adults apparently.

Length? from one side of the road to the other.
(Fri 21st Sep 2007, 15:49, More)
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