b3ta.com user kimini
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» Voyeurism

About 7 hours ago
I was walking home from college. It's about a mile's walk, down a perfectly straight road, which happens to be rather busy.

According to Google Earth, I made it to roughly 0.3 miles away from my abode when I was accosted by a black youth, demanding I hand him my possessions or "get fucking shanked".

In broad daylight. On a busy road. Some drivers were already rubbernecking.

Of course, I respectfully decline and inform him of these facts. His answer? He pulls out his "shank": one of those tiny keyring-sized swiss army knives, and then proceeds to extend its tiny blade from one end, and its scissors from the other.

At this point, I couldn't decide whether to laugh or run, but the choice was made for me, when he proceeded to tighten his fist around the knife - plunging the tiny scissors deep into his palm, and making him shriek like a raped banshee before fleeing, presumably to seek medical attention.

I'm not sure what relevance this has to the QOTW, I just thought you'd like to know of my failed mugging attempt.

Length? 58mm, apparently.
(Sat 13th Oct 2007, 0:36, More)

» Have you ever seen a dead body?

I may very well be a dead body soon
My mother's gone to Hong Kong for a couple of weeks, meaning I'm the only person living here for a fortnight.

I've just accidentally locked myself into the closet. [Don't make the jokes. Please.] It's a bastard thick door that I have no chance of knocking down, thanks to the lack of a run up and my spindly biceps. I have nothing else on my person except for the Nintendo DS I'm typing this from, and the bog roll I came here to collect. The only consolation is that there is a tiny window, and my neighbours left his wireless router unsecured.

Wish me the best of luck.
(Mon 3rd Mar 2008, 16:36, More)

» Conned

i stand on your right side
and tap your left shoulder.

it never fails to work.

Click "I Like This" if you want to punch twunts like me in the face.
(Thu 18th Oct 2007, 23:27, More)

» Shit Stories: Part Number Two

Oh god, squatting toilets.
While theoretically more hygienic, they are also much cheaper to make, and many corners can be cut.

For instance, let's take a sleepy rural mountain village in Hong Kong, where electricity is a rarity. As well as toilets in houses. The only toilet available is a small, public restroom built by the lowest bidder.

These guys didn’t bother installing a flush mechanism. Nor a lightbulb. Instead, a constant trickle of water from the scarily polluted river is piped into the pan through a hole in the wall, washing away whatever droppings you care to leave.

This stream of water is not sufficient to clear away an entire village's worth of effluent.

Now imagine yourself, slightly drunk and stumbling through the darkness with a badly made chinese flashlight into this stinking hellhole. You depant. You unsteadily crouch over the humming, shitty mass and aim – and at the vital moment, a gust of wind through the hole in the wall kisses your chocolate spider, startling you, and causing you to slip, flashlight and all, into the mountain of day old fermented mushy crap.

Despite being upstream to another village who used it regularly, I started shitting in the river after that.

Length? 9 inches, sailing off into the horizon.
(Wed 2nd Apr 2008, 20:36, More)

» Insults

Our french teacher lost it at this twunt of a kid...
"You are a...a pube, on the scrotum of society!"

Cue twunt sitting down, shocked, and teacher getting on with the lesson. It was never mentioned again.

She left two months later when she ended up throwing a chair at someone else. (It fucking hurt)
(Fri 5th Oct 2007, 18:44, More)
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