» Self-Inflicted injuries

Bungee cord in the face and a cows arse
As part of my normal morning routine of feeding calves down on the farm, I have to open a home made feeding device whish is secured overnight with a few bungee cords and 6 bolts. As usual the little calves were swarming around me making my job really difficult, tiny hooves crushing my feet and sandpaper tongues licking my hands. ( I am not even going to start on cow breath at this point.)As my temper was reaching breaking point I was trying to get the last few wing nuts unscrewed whilst kneeling in cow shit, I started to unhook the first bungee cord. As predicted the 2 cords hooked together under considerable strain unhooked themselves in the middle causing one end to hit me square in the forehead and the other to shoot off the feeder and make a consderable thwacking sound as it hit a small cow on the arse. The result was an instant egg forming on the forehead for me and 40 calves bolting out the gate towards the house. With a thumping head ache causing me to be slightly blind I still had to go and round the little fuckers up.
(Sat 30th Nov 2013, 1:18, More)

» Why should you be fired from your job?

It took them 10 years to do it
I worked at a sports centre for 10 years doing various jobs - they even let me work with children.
In the early days I turned up many times drunk as it was an evening shift and there was not much else to do in the day. -It is quite difficult to put a badminton net up when you can't see.
As I moved onto to a duty manager role over the years I realised I did not have to do the horrid jobs I once did before, such as chip the pile of white powder off the floor under the unrinals (this was solidified urine as the cleaners had not done thier job properly for years). I spent most days playing on the computer and playing office Olympics.
Office Olympics:
Swivel chair races down the corridor against with my mate who was on my work wavelength.
Discus - using a pringles lid we could throw it down the corridor, round the vending machines, past reception and out the front doors. You had time your throw to when a customer was entering the building in order for the doors to be open.
Gymnastics - Swinging from one end of the 30 ft store cupboard to the other off the heating pipes or light fittings. (sometimes required gloves)
When the gym equipment had to be put away, we would play extreeme baseball all afternoon and not take any bookings because the hall was full of gym equipment! This involved diving off equipment, climbing over stuff in order to catch the ball.
I had sex with my boyfriend on squash court 4 during opening hours and I regularly used to sleep in the outside store cupboard overnight if I had got too drunk in town on a night out. (it was the only bit not alarmed and I could get the lock undone with a screwdriver)
When I finally got my arse into gear (about 9 years employment) and started doing work at the place. I improved their antiquated booking systems, cut all office processes down in time by 60% by computerising them and then got the sack for having time off for having to much time off in hospital after nearly dying.
After all the years of taking the piss I guess I deserved it but at least they could have had the balls to sack me for pissing around rather than being ill!
(Tue 14th Aug 2007, 12:21, More)

» Terrible Parenting

it's the little things
For thier own sanity my parents did a number of little things to contol our lives.
1. Even though they could not stand the Archers it was turned up rather loud every day to block out the sound of the ice cream van.
When I eventually heard it I was told "the nice man who owns the van likes to play music for everyone"
2. even after continuous requests I was not taught ot tell the time until I was 7 or 8 so that my parents could start pretending to be tired at around 5.30pm and cart me off to bed for the night.
This may be more to do with my stupidity.
(Thu 16th Aug 2007, 12:41, More)

» Mix Tapes

One for the Ex.
Not really a mix tape, just a song.
On my 18th Birthday my Boyfriend of the time came to pick me up so we could go out.
He arrived with another bird who was apparently now his girlfriend. (did he think I wouldn't mind?) It also turned out he's been away with her the week before when I thought he's gone to visit his sister.
Not one to kick up too much fuss I suggested that I get a tape for the journey and rushed back into the house to find my Zakk Wilde album.
Once back in the car I passed the tape to my very recent exboyfriends new slut of a girlfriend to put on.
The chourus is as follows:

I hate your guts

I wish that you was dead

I hate your guts

You're damn right that's what I said

I hate your guts

And I wish that you was dead

I'd dig the holy myself

But I'd rather run ya over with my truck instead.

The rest of the song has a similar theme.
I think I made my point with that song.
(Fri 8th Feb 2008, 16:11, More)

» What nonsense did you believe in as a kid?

Chicken Sex
Throughout my childhood and into my early adult years I was blessed with the knowledge that hens lay eggs without the contact of man chickens. This is correct.
My false factual knowledge connected to this was bestowed upon me by one of my parents at a local childrens farm. As part of the tour of the farm, each child was allowed to pick an egg from a chickens nest to take home. As a child I was worried that I might pick an egg with a baby chicken inside and asked my parents how I would know which one to pick. After all I didn't want to kill a little fluffy chick.
I was reliably informed by my parents that if the hens sat on the eggs and kept them warm they would turn into baby chickens, so don't take an egg from a nest with a hen on it.
Naturally I believed this but I started to wonder what cocks (the man chickens) did all day. So I asked my parents. Once again they reliably informed me that they were kept in with the hens to keep them in order and stop them fighting.
This sort of information doesn't come up in conversation very often when you live in the city, but at the age of 22 I annouced to all my new University friends that Chickens don't have sex they lay eggs no matter what. If the hens sit on the eggs they turn into chicks and the cocks are there to keep them in order.
I now know that the eggs have to be fertilised first :)
(Tue 24th Jan 2012, 3:53, More)