» Accidental innuendo

I nearly forgot about this one...
My sister and I were having dinner in some gastro-pub one night when a couple came and sat at the table opposite us. When the waiter came over to take their order they made it very clear that the wife of the couple was a vegetarian and anything that touched her plate could not have touched an animal, etc, etc, blah, blah... When their order arrived much fussing was made by both of them by lifting the lid on her hamburger and poking the contents and then tasting it and I could see that they were not convinced it was a meat free substitute. They called the waiter over and as much as he protested it had never seen an animal in its life, the husband got increasingly irate and, at the top of his voice in a packed restaurant shouted 'I demand the manager come out and look at my wife's burger'.....

They nearly had to take me and my sister out of there in an ambulance... The waiter looked like his was going to burst his shite containing his laughter and the manager wasn't much better...

Happy days!
(Fri 13th Jun 2008, 10:12, More)

» The most childish thing you've done as an adult

I can't help myself...
Everytime I stop at Fleet services and walk over the footbridge gantry I always have to stop halfway across and flash my norks to everyone on the M3...

After 5 years I thought it would get a bit dull but it appears not.
(Fri 18th Sep 2009, 10:21, More)

» Cringe!

Hanover Airport.....
A few years ago I had a rather bad incident with a friend who lived in Germany (turns out she was a total nutjob) whilst visiting her and I therefore decided to flee the country at all and any expense and return to the safety of Blighty. I spent about 4 hours trying to get on what must have been the last flight out of Hanover the same day and made it to the airport in the nick of time.

Not one to travel lightly I had a heavy rucksack and carrier bags in either hand. Having made a speedy departure from said nutjob's house I had also flung on a pair of jeans that I should have worn a belt with, a small t-shirt but alas no undies. Therefore, I arrive in a mad panic at the airport desperately trying to catch my flight (which I had been ripped off 400 quid for - wtf?! But I dirgress) and put as many miles between me and the German Witch as possible so I began running up the escalator. I was halfway up said escalator when I realised my jeans were beginning to slip down with each step... my brain said to me 'for God's sake stop running you stupid girl' however my fear was saying 'run for your life woman!!!'. So - by the time I had reached the top of the escalator my trousers were round my ankles and my 'private areas' were on view to all those that were (before I decided to decently expose myself) looking at the info screens at the top.

Having had such a bad weekend already and not thinking it could get any worse I did what any normal person would do... I slowly put down my bags on the floor, pulled up my jeans, wrapped my remaining rags of dignity around me, picked up my bags and continued on my way like nothing had happened - all the time with torrents of the hot lava of shame and cringeworthiness running over me and random men winking and smiling at me whilst giving anyone and everyone a 'what? that is totally normal behaviour?!?' look ...... weep.
(Wed 3rd Dec 2008, 16:24, More)

» The nicest thing someone's ever done for me

My best friend....
..is one of the nicest people I have ever met and I will be eternally privileged that she returns the favour by calling me her best friend too (blimey - that sounds a bit Enid Blyton but I don't care if it is 6 year old I love her).

In 2006 I split up with my boyfriend and was about to be homeless. Sadly lacking in enormous amounts of money I was looking down the barrell of sharing a grotty house with various randoms or living alone in an even grottier bedsit with only the walls to talk to. Anyhoooo, about 6 months earlier I had started a new job and was introduced to 'soon to be best friend but didn't realise it at the time'. Before I broke up with ex I hadn't had anything to do with future BF (not because I didn't like her but just that our paths never crossed all that often) but when the office found out I had nowhere to live future BF stepped up and said that she had a little annex down the end of her garden and would I like to rent it (with full use of the main house - a detached thatched cottage, get in!) She said that I would have to put up with her 3 children but she was a divorcee so it would be nice to have some adult company. So, I start living down the end of her garden (bit like a fairy but swearier) and immediately am treated like one of the family by her, her 3 kids and her mum.

I lived there for a year and in that time she saw me through hours and hours of pouring out my heart and drunken ramblings from rather unsuitable men I saw, made me eat my dinner when I went down to 7 1/2 stone from some mental eating disorder, saw me through mild pneumonia and the 2 resultant cracked ribs from coughing so much, lent me money, hugged me when I needed it, put me to bed when I was drunk, forced me back into the big wide world again and basically loved me better. Eventually I found a future husband through her encouragement and left her family home to live with him. If it hadn't been for her I would never have ended up this happy and I get married in 2 months :-)

The best part is that after I had moved 170 miles away to be with future husband she decided that she wanted to live down here too so sold up and brought entire family down to the south coast and now lives 5 minutes away. As future husband is away for 6mths (forces - not prison!) she has made up her spare room as my own and until he comes back I live like a child from a broken home - at my house during the week and at her house at the weekend. She has also got married and her husband is, thankfully, also one of the nicest and funniest and, handily, patient men in the world who doesn't care how much I hang out at their house like a bad smell.

She is going to be my Maid of Honour in December, however she doesn't realise that she has done me the honour by being in my life. I love you Vicki :-)
(Fri 3rd Oct 2008, 16:49, More)

» Breasts

I have very sensitive nipples..
..and therefore generally don't like Senor Veranos playing with them. The only way I can describe the sensation when he does fiddle with them is that it makes my tits feel sick....

Hey-ho.
(Thu 6th May 2010, 14:51, More)