» My Biggest Disappointment

I was 13
I was sitting in my bedroom overlooking the street. It was getting dark, but I was bored and listless and couldn't be arsed to get up to turn on the light.

As I sat there in the growing dusk I noticed the upstairs light of no.37 over the road come on. Mrs Jones, my friend Bob's mum, walked into her bedroom carrying a bundle of clothes.

She put the clothes down on the bed and started to put them away. When she was done she closed the bedroom door and sat on the bed to remove her shoes.

I started to watch with more interest as she stood to pull down her tights. I couldn't believe it, this was a real women, with real bits and everything, and she was getting undressed practically in front of me!

I hunkered forward, a weird butterfly feeling in the pit of my stomach. She unhook the side of her skirt and slid it down before picking it up and folding it. I could see her underwear! A genuine piece of female lingerie! Fair enough, they were white and at this distance I couldn't exactly make out the details, but so what. All that stood between my eyes and her bottom was a thin piece of cotton material.

I could feel little althegeordie making his presence felt.

She started to undo her shirt. Every button that came loose made the now obvious tent in my trousers twitch like a it was caught in a gale.

Finally, the shirt was taken off and hung up. Her bra was black. She was wearing a black bra! I had never felt this excited in my life, my hands crept towards my flies.

I was about to see a real woman naked, and I was damn well going to have a wank over it. I suddenly realised that I was going to cum whilst I could actually see a naked women, that was practically having sex, it was a least seven eighths of the way to losing my virginity. I was going to be a king at school.

All thought of loyalty to Bob and the fact that I was wanking over his mum went straight out of the window. None of my friends would ever have a story this good to tell. I would be a sex hero.

As my trembling hand waggled up and down she reached round and unhooked her bra. This was it, this was the moment I had dreamed of ever since I first figured out how much fun playing with myself could be.

They were her actual breasts, with nipples and everything. And then it got even better, she slowly slid those little cotton pants down her thighs and onto the floor. I could see a dark triangle of hair between those pale thighs.

I couldn't hold on any more, I fired a huge stream of hot jizz all over the radiator. It was like a fire hose going off. Nobobdy has ever produced as much spunk to this day.

I practically fell off my chair. My head was spinning, my knees were weak and my hand was damp and sticky.

I grabbed the bog roll from under my bed (I was no strange to self love by this time) and cleaned up my radiator.

I got up and opened the bedroom door and wandered downstairs. My mother was just putting my dinner on the table. Beans on toast. I loved beans on toast. This evening could not get any better.

I sat down and tucked in.

WHAT THE FUCK! WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON WITH THESE BEANS!

I should explain that my mother was something of an earth mothery type. She didn't like the big brands. So instead of Heinz, she bought some other crap that eschewed the use of sugar, and instead chose to sweeten the beans with apple juice.

Apple Juice.

WTF.

I hated those beans. They ruined a really good evening.
(Fri 27th Jun 2008, 16:53, More)

» Common

I distinctly remember the time when I realized that I was
how shall I put this, a cut above some of my school friends.

It was the week after the inter tutor football competition where I had unwittingly picked Nicola Tipbank to play in goal.

Well, following her letting me finger her while she sucked of Jonny Deacon, me and Nicola became quite close. She used to pass me little notes in science lessons telling me she wasn't wearing any pants and that I should meet her behind the bike sheds at lunchtime.

So down I would go, excitement in my eyes and throbbing in my pants and there she would be, sitting on that low bit of brick wall, legs spread, those come to bed eyes looking straight at me while Matt Billings or Richard Hawkes' pasty white arses bounced back and forth as they gave her a good seeing too.

After a month or so she let me squeeze her tits while she got some and I knew this was real, this was going somewhere, this could be the one.

Then finally, three months and two days to the moment I mistakenly called out her name, it finally happened.

It was Thursday, the sky was grey and threatened rain when I received my usual note in the middle of double physics. Mrs Turner, our teacher who hailed from Sheffield, was wearing a black vest top which showed off her wrinkled cleavage and bingo wings to full effect. It was all I could do to stop myself lifting the desk as I looked from her to Nicola, who winked at me with a lustful stare.

As the bell rang, I stood up carefully, hunching over and holding my bag over my crotch. Jody Mulfinge caught me eye and turned and whispered to Ellen Shrimpton, they both looked back at me and giggled. I ignored them and walked out of class, my left hand frantically bobbing up and down in my pocket.

I got the bike shed and was surprised when I couldn't hear the frantic gruntings of Matt or Richard. I got a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. Had she decided to end it? Was this some sort of joke?

Nervously I turned the corner. She was there. One foot on the floor, the other on the wall beside her, her long fingers tracing lines across the thin light brown fuzz that covered that most elusive of secret places. I could feel all moisture draining from my mouth as she beckoned me over to her. I stood in front of her and she reached out and unzipped my fly.

My juvenile todger sprung out like an angry chopstick. She grasped it in one hand and before I knew what was happening it was in her mouth. I'm not proud to admit that I barely had time to inhale before shooting a thick stream of jizz right to the back of her throat.

She swallowed, wiped her mouth with her sleeve, looked up at me, winked and giggled as she straightened her skirt and walked off, leaving me and my rapidly detumescing member hanging in the cold breeze.

It was just then it hit me that this was never going to work. This glorious forever I had planned in my fertile imagination would never transfer into reality.

She wiped her mouth on her sleeve. Did the girl even own a handkerchief?
(Tue 21st Oct 2008, 9:03, More)

» Food sabotage

A couple of years ago
I was living abroad and working in a restaurant in between copious amounts of casual sex with drunken scrubbers on hen nights and a large amount of heavy drinking and recreational drug abuse.

This one week there was this Scottish couple that came in and I have never come across such a pair of obnoxious cunts. They seemed to think that the world owed them everything. They were rude to every member of staff and whinged constantly about their food and how long it took. Basically, utter, utter twats.

I spotted them in the resort the next day, they were obviously on holiday with their kids and a bunch of their friends.

Later in the week them and their friends returned to the restaurant and I just knew I was going to have to do something to cheer myself up after fixed grinning at them and fawning over their every whim.

So I waited until they were tucking into their starters and sneaked out of the restaurant and down the street and bit to where I had noticed they were staying.

One of the windows of the apartment was open, so I sneaked in, strangled their eldest daughter, took the corpse back to the kitchen and minced the little fucker into their tapas.

The whole incident kind of got out of hand once the press got involved. Still, I managed to get rid of the remains without anyone noticing.
(Sun 21st Sep 2008, 19:13, More)

» Will you go out with me?

We met on a beach
It was one of those jaw dropping moments that you don't think will happen in real life.

She was there with her family on holiday, I was feeling a bit down in the dumps after losing my job but i'd already booked the holiday so I was damned well going to enjoy it.

She was just paddling in the shallows when I saw her. She had this wonderful innocence in her eyes.

I knew of course, that she was well out of my league so I just enjoyed the moment as I lay in the sun.

But then, as I walked back to my apartment later a miracle occured. It turns out they were staying just a couple of apartments over from mine. After a bit of clandestine stalking errrr observation, I realised that her bedroom window was overlooked by mine.

That night as I enjoyed my chicken risotto I noticed her parents leaving the apartment with some friends. But she wasn't with them.

Sensing my chance, I climbed in through her bedroom window and stole her. But in the end I had to kill her as the publicity got a bit too much.

I'm sorry, I know it's wrong. I hope it hasn't bindun either
(Fri 29th Aug 2008, 10:14, More)

» Common

ASDA
I don't know what it is, but I always feel a bit dirty when I come out of an ASDA.

But then again, I get the same feeling when I have a wank in the entrance hall of any of the supermarkets.
(Thu 16th Oct 2008, 16:19, More)