b3ta.com user Falco
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» Dumb things you've done

Genius of idiocy
As a nipper I saw a program on bungee jumping and decided that this was the thing for me. Sadly lacking in things of a bungee like quality I got a rope, (old hemp type sod all elasticity), tied it around one ankle, the other end to the top of the climbing frame and jumped off. I hit the ground very hard with one leg suspended about a foot above the dirt.

Now the above is stupid and any sane boy would have called it quits at this point. However, I knew where I'd gone wrong, I just had to make the rope shorter. So I jump off again, This time the pain is not from hitting the ground but because I've just attepted to dislocate my leg. This is where the real problem starts, I very securely tied the rope around my leg so that it wouldn't slip off, I don't have the strength to pull myself up to undo knots that are under too much tension to undo anyway and I am at the far end of the garden and no one can hear me scream.

An hour later my dad wanders up to find his inverted beatroot faced son and pisses himself with laughter before helping me down. Bastard.

Length, girth, etc
(Fri 21st Dec 2007, 11:40, More)

» Drugs

I hate people who take drugs
customs men for example.
(Thu 16th Sep 2010, 15:33, More)

» The Dark

I am a very bad man
'Twas a dark and stormy night, clearing later, occaisional showers of fish and I was bored and slightly drunk. The rain had stopped about an hour ago but it was as dark as the soul of an advertising executive.

I knew that there was supposed to be a beach party that night, hardly anyone I knew but better than sitting in a creaking hut and waiting for nothing to happen. So I got up, grabbed my grandfather's old black sou'wester mac and hat and looking like a refugee from "I know what you did last summer", slipped out the door. I had to walk down past the old Priory, now a hotel and between the clouds and the trees it was blacker than Satan's ballsack. Up ahead was a line of tea candle lamps so I grabbed one and headed down to the beach.

A hundred yards ahead were 30 people round a small campfire tripping their little nuts off so I decided that a prank was in order. Swinging my lantern ahead of me, dragging one leg and moaning like an uncouth zombie I staggered towards the light.

They shat themselves, apparently if your tripping your gourd off a zombie/psycho/ancient mariner type is not who you want impinging on your conciousness. When the screaming died down I was soundly cursed for destroying their peace of mind, disturbing ley lines and generally being an arse. So I told them that I'd only come down to warn them about the poisonous, flesh burrowing sand hoppers and left them to to enjoy a night of tears and frantic scratching.
(Fri 24th Jul 2009, 1:07, More)

» Evil Pranks

A mate of mine had his coisin over to stay for a few weeks from France, (said coisin, Will, was English but had lived in France for many years). Having been out of touch with the joy of slang we were able to convince him that to "Roger" someone was to hit them in the face.

After a few too many light ales Will got into a shoving match with an equally pissed up bloke and the fight was just about to turn nasty when Will shouted "Fuck off or I'll fucking roger you!".

The other chap turned white and backed away while we allpissed ourselves with laughter. The best bit was that Will was convinced that he had just shown what a hard case he was and flew into a rage when we let him know what he'd said, (For Septics: To Roger someone is to take them up the arse).

Length etc.
(Wed 19th Dec 2007, 11:34, More)

» Mums

I wish I was making this up
I came home from school to find her crying her eyes out at the kitchen table, serious and genuine distress here. So I tenderly enquired what had so terribly upset her.

"James!! James is dead!!! It was awful his horse got scared by some IDIOT!!!!! and ran in front of a lorry!!!!!!!!"

After getting her a cup of tea and administering a few "There theres" I suddenly realised that I had no idea who James was and for her to be this upset I should at least have heard of him:

Falco: "Sorry to bring this up but...... who's James?"

Falco's Mum: "You know perfectly well, James from the Archers!!!"

Falco: "Oh for fucks sake" (wanders off to find his mother a long sleeved white canvas blazer)
(Thu 11th Feb 2010, 23:56, More)
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