» Unemployed

Cheeky Buggers
After a great 11 years serving my country (drinking beer and sha**ing all over the place) my time came to an end. After carrying out the laughable re-settlement courses i was thrust out into the cold.

After registering for jobseekers (pocket money to kids these days) i started the slog looking for a job which could pay for the mortgage, car etc etc.

After returning to the job centre week after week to show them the booklet i had filled in to prove i was actively looking for employment i had the luck to see a job in the local rag for a full time position in the ambulance service.

I sent off the application and got an interview. I pressed the old whistle, shined the shoes, and gave it my all in the invterview. Normally, they said, we like to see all of the candidates before offering a position (there were 3 going at the time so i was not buggering up anyone elses chances) but we would like to offer you a post to start asap. I said well how about Monday, (weekend on the old pop to celebrate) and they said great.

I shook their hands and walked out that few inches taller and with a spring in my step. When i got home I was greeted to a message on the phone to say that i needed to go in to the job centre to discuss the possiblity of my payments being reduced.

I duly arrived the next morning to be greeted by a dour faced, angry middle aged woman. She flicked through my booklet to check and said, "ok Mr Sh0ttie, here is the score. You have been claiming Jobseekers for too long and now we are going to be reducing you payments. ( I believe they genuinely thought that this is supposed to help you to motivate you into finding a job.)

She started to fill out a load of paperwork and then said that she was going to get it photocopied for my records when my phone rang. "One minute" says I and stands up and moves away to take the phone call. It was my new employers to confirm that I was starting that Monday and to say that my offer of employment and start date was in the post". Huzzah says i and proceeds to sit back down.

Said government clerk returns with a mountain of paperwork and starts to fill it in. As she was into..oh the third page i casually dropped into the conversation.."pardon me..but if i now have a job would all of this been a waste of time? "yes" says she looking suspicious, "ah well looks like we have both been wasting our time here then as that phone call was just confirming my new employment details. I guess i should have said sooner". "oh..well done..was it an interview that we put you in for?" says she


no it bloody wasnt i did all the slog, interviewed brilliantly and literally charmed the birds out of the trees..was what i wanted to say but all that came out was "no".

to say i felt smug as i left that life sucking office would be an injustice to the meaning of smug.
(Fri 3rd Apr 2009, 11:52, More)

» Shit Stories: Part Number Two

Dreadnaught from hell
Whilst working for an emergency service i once had the pleasure of a manager to come scurrying into our office asking us to go with him to see something amazing.

We all filed out thinking it was a bollocking or something to be led to the gents and shown the contents of trap 2.

In the pan sat the biggest brown trout you would ever want to see. The girth of this dreadnaught was immense. Amid the guffaws and i cannot believe its there were a couple of shocked and whitened faces.

as we filed back to the office the manager kept going round and getting fresh meat to look at the offending dead otter.

I sat there in my office with my colleagues discussing the offending toilet trout smug in the knowledge that not fifteen minutes earlier i was in fact sitting in trap 2 snapping off the loaf that i had been baking for around an hour or so!!
(Wed 2nd Apr 2008, 21:46, More)