» I'm going to Hell...

Take that priest!
What with not believing in fairytales and all, I know that no-one, including myself, is going to hell. But I can fully appreciate the kind of behaviour that would piss off a supreme deity, much like the behaviour in the following story featuring my mate, D.

It was a wintery December evening, and to stave off the cold and boredom, D was out drinking with a few people. The night bore on, more drink was consumed, last orders were called and eventually they began the journey home.

En route home there is a church, and ordinarily it wouldn't be occupied at such an hour, but then again, it wouldn't ordinarily be midnight mass either.

It is unclear at this stage whose idea it was to enter the church, even more unclear as to who suggested a quick foot race around the church and it's occupants. Yet further unclear is who managed to knock over the font, and the most unclear of all, is who challenged the priest to a fight. Yes, that's right, one of these heathens was actually squaring up to a priest. However, when said priest actually seemed keen on giving out a little catholic justice, the group realised their error and made for a hasty retreat.

And retreat they did, followed not too closely by the "he can run fast for an old fella" priest. This being a wintery night, there was ice on the ground, and in particular a few patches between our heroes and the church gates. It seem's that although the priest was fairly light on his feet, he wasn't paying much attention to the ground, so whilst D et al managed to jump the patch and carry on running, the priest didn't. In fact, the priest hit the ice, slipped over, and hit the ground "like a sack of shit".

So to recap, a group of men enter a church, hare around it like a bunch of twats, knock over a font, challenge a priest to a fight and then leg it. Already fairly hellbound, my mate ends this particular story by, when seeing the priests predicament, shouting after him "WHERE'S YOUR GOD NOW?!".
(Thu 11th Dec 2008, 18:21, More)

» Nightclubs

Mirror, Mirror on the Wall
Amongst my many identikit drunken tales (drink A x N + person B + venue C = carnage) there was one particularly stupid moment from a few years ago that always sticks out, and perhaps explains why I didn't make a reappearance at the venue in question for quite some time.

Picture the scene, the slightly grubby but dubiously charming Po-Na-Nah's in Oxford, stupid o'clock and a three sheets to the wind Shifty who needs to make good on his round. I gathered myself up, made sure I had the cash and made for the bar. As I was making my way to the bar I remember thinking that it was particularly busy and there were people dancing everywhere, so I duly fought my way past them. After getting past the dancers and into some space I spotted a guy coming straight towards me, and after a few seconds I thought "That guy looks really familiar". This was followed by a SPANG, and a slightly confused look on the other familiar guys face. I simply thought "Fuck it I'll just go another way around to the bar", so I turned around, fought my way past the dancers again and got to the bar, happy-ish, albeit a little delayed.

Now for those not in the know, the aforementioned venue is fairly small, with a dance floor about 6ft x 6ft, and at one end is a floor to wall mirror to make it look bigger. What I'd done was drunkenly weave a route at a tangent to the bar, fight my way to the back of the room, try to push my way past my reflection, twat the mirror with my face, turn around and bimble off to the bar.

Despite my intoxication I was embarassed, but apparently forgetful. Because the next time I tried to go to the bar, I once again tried to fight with that really familiar looking guy on the dance floor.
(Thu 9th Apr 2009, 17:42, More)

» Accidental animal cruelty

When 1 pigeon becomes 2
Recounted by a mate of mine:

A flurry of noise in the kitchen, one morning prompted my mate and his brother to investigate. Seems their cat had acquired a pigeon, brought it in via the cat flap, only it was still alive, and understandably, pissed off.

After much chasing, the cat was shepherded towards a door and made to relinquish its impending meal, where it can hopefully fly away without needing assistance. Pigeon hits the floor, flutters, reorients itself, takes a run up, and takes to the air.

Now where is the cruelty in this tale ?

It seems the pigeon got a bit more damage than my mate realised when he allowed it to go on its merry way. For, after a brief period in the air, the unfortunate bird, well, broke in half (normally mimed with two fluttering hands that seperate with squishing noises), hit the floor and promptly died.
(Thu 6th Dec 2007, 15:21, More)

» Cringe!

Sometimes topless isn't the best
My mate D had taken one of his more serious ladyfriends, R, over to meet and stay with his dads family. During their stay, it was the usual family stuff, meals out, few trips to the pub, but on the last day, Sunday, a special final lunch was planned.

The meal seemed to be going off with a hitch, D's dad, step mum and step sister were chatting away with R, everyone was getting on famously and enjoying the food. There was a minor lull in the conversation, maybe one subject had been talked to death, who knows. R in her infinite wisdom took this opportunity to open her top and reveal her tits. That's right, in the middle of a normal family sunday lunch, she got her norks out on full view, and as a kicker, continued to eat unabated.

Various looks were exchanged, some shocked, some bemused, some amused, and still she didn't put herself away. And then, after some period of silence, she did her top back up and continued as if nothing had happened.

After the meal, R was excused from cleaning up duties and retired to her room, leaving D to try some sort of explaining. Try as he might he had no idea how to explain why she'd done it, and so retired himself to join her.

"I thought it'd be funny" (I always imagine that line in a stereotypical essex model voice) was the only reasoning he could muster from her.

Now, so far, so cringeworthy, the following morning, eye contact was already proving hard between D and his family, but just before departing, he received the final cringe inducing blow from his dad, when he took him aside, smiled, and simply said "Nice tits".
(Sun 30th Nov 2008, 20:49, More)

» Famous people I hate

Gok Wan
Jesus christ, that horrific obesity encouraging lady boy wannabe, he combines so many of the qualities I hate in one single person, that I fear what I would do in his presence for any amount of time.

I've been reliably informed he's an utter publicity seeking wanker of the highest order particularly when off camera, which at least makes me think I don't hate him for an irrational reason.
(Thu 4th Feb 2010, 12:33, More)