b3ta.com user TheWonderfulWombat
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I exist.

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» Kids

Golf ball
My friend was reading his two year old sprog the Princess and The Pea. So of course when she went to bed she wanted a pea under her mattress to see if she was a princess. Her poor father was woken up in the wee hours of the morning by her bawling when she discovered she couldn't feel the pea.

So being a devoted da, he palmed a golf ball and shoved it under the top sheet of her bed. She slept happily curled up on top of it the whole night.
(Sun 20th Apr 2008, 20:27, More)

» Evil Pranks

When my aged uncle was still in school he had this crazy German twunt for a chemistry professor.

At the beginning of the year the professor would give a stern lecture about "following instructions exactly" and "obeying without question." Etc.
Then at the end of the speech he would hand out test tubes full of human urine to each student. He would then tell them to do exactly as he did, and dipped his finger in the piss and put it in his mouth.

Of course the poor brainwashed students dutifully copied him, albeit reluctantly and with plenty of retching and gagging.

He then smiled his enigmatic German smile and told them they were "excellent in obedience, poor in observation--you see, I dip this finger, but I suck THIS one."

Now THAT is evil.

Edit: My uncle swears this is gospel truth--not an urban legend.
(Sat 15th Dec 2007, 0:06, More)

» Fairgrounds, theme parks, circuses and carnivals

I once got a temporary job in a haunted house
It was great. I had an entire room to myself. The whole room was painted with a black and white chequerboard pattern and so was my costume. (A basic cowled robe thing with cloth obscuring my face and a giant plastic axe) All I had to do was stand still and people would walk right past me. (The bad lighting helped) That is, until I leapt out at them and made them shit themselves.

Best part? The way out of the room was camouflaged as well, so they were trapped there foreverrrrr until I showed them where the exit was.

Aaaah, happy days, happy days. I've never had a job I enjoyed more.
(Wed 15th Jun 2011, 3:43, More)

» Unusual talents

I have an unnaturally prehensile tongue.
(Insert dirty joke here)
In all seriousness though, not only can I tuck my tongue behind my uvula, I can stick all the way behind my soft palate and into my nose from behind.
I have an inescapable urge to show off this talent every time I have a doctors appointment. They're always bemused/disgusted/curiously turned-on.
I also have no gag reflex, which also lends itself to dirty jokes, but it's really just a pain. When I get the 'flu I can't stick a finger down my throat to make myself throw up and get it over with.
Anybody else? Am I just a freak of nature?
(Thu 18th Nov 2010, 21:49, More)

» Prejudice

Serbs and Croats
My gran is Croatian. She's also tiny and feeble and 90 years old if she's a day.
One bright and sunny day she's in a long queue at the store and to pass the time, she starts talking to the tall muscular young man in front of her. It comes out in conversation that he's Serbian.


She starts screaming and trying to punch him. He stands there with a startled and bemused expression on his face, her tiny feeble fists having no effect whatsoever.

My aunts had to drag her out of the store, and were summarily invited not to return by the store's owner.

This was also the same gran who would go shopping with my mum when she was young and I was but a glint in my father's eye. She'd yell commands at mum, including "get me some n**** toes!" from across the store. (That being slang for Brazil nuts)
(Thu 1st Apr 2010, 15:31, More)
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