b3ta.com user Ultimate Cakes & Sweets
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When I'm not on b3ta then I'm making music at http://www.sonicity.co.uk

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» The Dirty Secrets of Your Trade

Health Insurance
I used to work for a health insurance company where you had to sign a declaration stating to all intents and purposes that you would not spill any beans regarding any information you may come across to your mates down the pub.

Well being a large company there were regular pieces of correspondance from famous celebs telling us their current circumstances and so on. One day however, I was reading a letter from - and I'll try and be nice to the b3ta lawyers - a young, female tv presenter who used to co-present a legendary live late-night Channel 4 'magazine' show.
Well apparently - and this was a very delicate matter - she somehow managed to get a contraceptive device wedged up her muff.
She went into hospital to retrieve said device with her then beau, the obligatory footballer, and eventually it was hoofed out. As you can imagine this situation demanded a certain amount of sensitivity being such a private matter an' all.
Needless to say, I couldn't wait to get down the pub that night. This was just before the big internet boom so thankfully this news never went very far. At least not more than a mate who told a mate who then told their mates. That sort of thing.

Also, one could search the database for friends or neighbours to see what ailments they were currently experiencing for further mirthment/blackmailing opportunities.

I hasten to add that I don't work there any more so cannot handle personal requests. Sorry.

Length? I'm a noob and trying to impress.
(Thu 27th Sep 2007, 12:36, More)

» Guilty Pleasures, part 2

Joey Deacon
Sometimes whilst driving through my local Asboville (car double locked, windows firmly shut) I usually see a group of urban monkeys swinging from the nearest bus shelter. I like to slow down to a crawl as if I'm about to ask for help then proceed to make the best Joey Deacon face I can muster up before flooring the f***er out of there.
(Mon 17th Mar 2008, 21:39, More)

» Turning into your parents

Since Turning, Since Turning, Middle Age It's Nothing To Be Scared Of....
- I not only own a pair of slippers but actually look forward to kicking off my shoes and sliding my feet into them.

- Just before wearing the slippers I invariably exclaim that 'these dogs are barking tonight' regardless if anyone is listening.

- I think today's chart music all sounds the same.

- This weekend I actually switched the car radio onto Classic FM and listened to a whole piece.

- Sometimes exchange cleaning tips with my mum over the phone.

- Buy in bulk because it 'saves the pennies and also on the petrol'.

- Have zero tolerance on anyone under the age of 30.
(Tue 5th May 2009, 17:02, More)

» Creepy!

99% of you will think I'm wrong
but when I saw The Blair Witch Project at the cinema it rather shit me up.

It is actually a very well-told horror story if you listen closely.
The tale of the witch/guy who used to kidnap kids then make them turn around and put their hands on the wall while he killed their friends was very nasty.
Especially when later on in the film when the last 2 characters go searching through the house and BAMMMM! there on the wall are hundreds of handprints.
(Thu 14th Apr 2011, 9:22, More)

» I don't understand the attraction

Megan Fox
It seems like the whole world has gone ga-ga for this woman. Me? I think she's just average and THAT'S IT.
There's a massive poster doing the rounds in one of the film mags at the moment with her on it. And she's even dressed in a cheerleader outfit. All I see is, "meh".
(Fri 16th Oct 2009, 17:56, More)
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