» The Dirty Secrets of Your Trade

Paediatric Gastroenterology
I get paid large sums of money to look up the bums of small children. We pump in air to inflate the lumen of the intestines so we can see the inner bits with the scope. Before we go in with the scope, we ask the parents if their children drank all of the bowel prep. "Oh, yes, our darling finished all of it, to the last drop."

So if dear Petunia finished the whole bottle and pooped it all away, then why is your child's arse filled with shite? When we turn up the air to inflate, it all comes flying out at us!

Colonoscopy assistant = dirty dirty job

Length? It's a metre long, flexible, has fibre-optics and has a light on the end.
(Thu 4th Oct 2007, 5:22, More)

» Winning

Goldfish
I won a goldfish at a fun fair by throwing a ping-pong ball into a plastic cup containing... a goldfish. It died 2 days later.

To be fair, I was 6 years old.
(Fri 29th Apr 2011, 4:48, More)

» How clean is your house?

I bought this 3-bedroom condo...
and it is only 3 blocks from here to the Chicago home of Barack Obama. I am very bored and alone most of the time, and I figured that I should at least try, out of Merkin patriotic duty, to keep up with the housekeeping - after all, The Prez lives just down the street. He may pop over to borrow a cup of sugar, you never know.

I gave up.

I now have a Polish exchange student who's moved into one of my spare rooms. She does the cleaning/washing/cooking for me, I never see her, and she pays ME for the pleasure. The only drawback to this is that I'm afraid to walk out to the kitchen naked at 2am (like I used to) to make a pot of tea in case she is sitting on the couch watching telly.

I've had maids in the past - $80/month is REALLY not bad if you just need a little help. It's money well-spent.
(Tue 30th Mar 2010, 6:06, More)