» Bastard Colleagues

DVLA FREAKSHOW
I used to work in the DVLA in Swansea and like anyone normal who worked there I can tell you it's a right freakshow. Its basically filed with people from the Valleys who could never get an admin job elsewhere (and it was put there for that purpose I believe). Most of the people there live in a 1970's timewarp - gold chains, wife beating alpha male steroid abusers etc. the kind of people who woud marvel at bumping into each other in the English pubs the same shitty Spanish resort they all go to etc - when the weren't down "the club" for chicken in a basket and karaoke. Also if someone worked there, usually heir mum, aunties and sister dis tooHere are just a few of the oddballs I encountered there:

1. The guy who was stalking local media celebrities like a poorman's Freddy Bulsara. Ended up in prison and on the day of release ended up back in the big house due to coming across a local radio (one of whose dj's he was stalking) outside broadcast and freaking out.

2. The middle aged fella who used to come in a shitty old suit everyday even tho you could wear casual clothes. Heard him one talking to himself in a toilet cubicle saying "They don't understand the pressure...I can't cope...". His job? Opening and rubber stamping licence applications at the lowest admin grade.

3. The guy who used to strip off in a toilet cubicle and hang his clothes over the door ranting "they don't know me - who I am! I'll show them!

4. Mr "hello, how are you?" they guy who was known to all 3000 staff due to his obsessively repeated greeting.

5.The Flexi King: The guy who kept his own manual records of hid flexi times - four card swipes a day. Showed me 18 years worth in his desk - "I've caught them out a few times" he told me.

6. When the 2001 Pyramid Scheme scam was going on. the woman who had to explain to her elderly parents that she'd lost £3000 of their money in the backroom of a Workingmen's Club.

7. The old guy who shit his pants on the Xmas do.

8. The crazy old Welsh Nationalist woman, who whenever someone new joined our team would ask them "Wyt ti'n siarad cymraeg?" (do you speak welsh); and if they said 'no', would walk off and never speak to them again.

9. The guy who would boast about how many wanks he'd had in the office toilets that day.

10. The bloke who got sacked for writing "die you cunt" on a colleagues get-well-soon card.

11. The incompetent boss who tripped over the 'step' of a lift which hadn't stopped level with the floor and was found unconcious when the lift opened in the foyer.

12. The bloke who, at the height of the post 9/11 anthrax scare put his nose in a pile of powder found in a letter and got himself hospitalised and the entire DVLA and the road it was on quarantined by blokes in chemcal warfare suits. Turned out it was dust from a postoffice sorting machine.

I could go on and on.
(Thu 24th Jan 2008, 18:41, More)

» Evil Pranks

college cock drawing debacle.
Years ago when I was doing my A Levels in College, I used to love playing pranks on my mate Jaime. Most of the colege day was spent hanging out in the common room, but Jaime, being a smoker was often outside having a fag. While he was out there I would often fill his bag up with detrius from the tables, banana skins, sandwich packets, coffee cups etc. The lads would follow him up to his next lecture to see him pull this stuff out in the middle of the class when looking for his books.

Anyway, the best prank involved his art folder. Like all A level artists he would walk around with one of those giant art cases, and of course would leave it behind when he went out for a fag. Inside the case was an A4 sketch pad which he had to plan and sketch his 'works in progress' and give it in once a week. So if he was doing a large painting or sculpture the tutor would keep tabs on it from the more practical sketch book rather than the actual thing. Fair play, he was pretty talented and took great pride in his work. So one time he was out smoking and I drew a huge schoolboyesque cock with pubes and the prerequisite spurting spunk and labelled it "My big cock by Jaime". Then , underneath in disgusied handwriting and red pen I wrote "This is not up to A Level standard Jaime". I replaced the book and said nothing.

The next day Jaime came up to me and confronted me about the cock having come across it in the pad - obviously it was me. "You twat," he said "I have to give that book in and my lecturer has seen it!"
"Oh no !" I laughed in faked surprise "Did he say anything?"
"No, but he wrote in it!". He showed me the page, and more laughter from me between spluttering apologies.
I told him I didn't know his lecturer would see it and to smooth things out I told him to explain to his lecturer that I had done it for a joke and was very sorry etc and that I would take the total blame.
Cue Jaime approaching his lecturer with the cock picture: "about this picture..."
(Tue 18th Dec 2007, 18:50, More)

» Accidental animal cruelty

Back when I was in the Venture scouts...
we had a meeting round the leader's house about a holiday we were planning. I went to stroke his cat which gave me a vicious scram across the hand. Later, I went in to the kitchen with another lad to make the tea and coffee and the cat strolled in for some food. I casually closed the kitchen door so the scout leader wouldn't witness me booting the fuck out of the cat all around the kitchen. Not accidental but there you go.
(Thu 6th Dec 2007, 19:27, More)