» I Quit!

oooooo it's my debut post
Long time reader, first time poster. Be gentle with me.

It was 1992 and I was a student in Brighton -a hard-up student, needing gainful employment. As all normal avenues were closed to me, I had no choice but to work at Sainsbury's. Whoopee and indeed doo.

While I never envisaged it being a long-term career, I had hoped it would last more than 2 weeks - but the bosses hadn't worked out that with a new Asda opening nearby the very week that I started, they might not get as much trade as in the past. So, on the Thursday of my second week, I was told I was "surplus to requirements". Holding back my tears, I resolved to get my revenge***

The perfect opportunity came the next day, which was my last. They'd made the fatal mistake of putting me in the alcoholic drinks section. My task was to restock the shelves with lager, bitter and other joyous fizzy beverages.

Only they weren't fizzy by the time I'd finished with them. I made sure that with every single can of every single four or six pack of beer/lager/whatever, I pulled the ring-pull *just enough* for it to go "phttttttttttttttt" and release the pressure, but not enough for it to be noticed.

Methodically, carefully, deliberately, I spent the entire day pulling ring-pulls, ensuring the good people of Brighton had flat, tasteless lager and bitter for many weeks to come.

Now you know why Sainsbury's profits plummeted in the early 90s.



As it's my debut, the more of you that click "I like this", the greater my length will be. That's how this place works, isn't it?


***Ok, I realise that I didn't QUIT per se, but it's pretty much the same scenario...
(Thu 22nd May 2008, 16:57, More)

» Churches, temples and holy places

Hitting Lourdes for six
Ok, Lourdes isn't quite a place of worship per se, but it's a pretty religious place (as in "there's lots of religion going on there" not "it's set amid lovely countryside and there are some quaint buildings - and it's also religious"...although the latter is true as well)

ANYWAY.

So there I was in Lourdes with a couple of mates. We weren't there to do the holy thing, but to watch others do it. Like dogging, but spiritual.

ANYWAY.

Lourdes is quite a small town with lots of very narrow streets. And being a place of pilgrimage, there are lots of very large coaches taking believers to the shrine where they can buy bottles of local tap water for about 100 euros as "it's from Lourdes".

Very narrow streets and very large coaches do not mix.

I was walking along the narrow pavement, nearest to the kerb, when I decided to step into the street briefly....just as a coach was trundling past, which then proceeded to knock me with its wing-mirror.

Oblivious to the fact of where I was, and that I was surrounded by lots of catholics, and nuns and believers and priests etc etc etc, my natural reaction on nearly being creamed by said coach was to say at the top of my voice "JESUS MOTHERFUCKING CHRIST THAT WAS CLOSE"

I remember vividly about a dozen people stopping and staring at me, open-mouthed. From those who spoke English, I heard things like "you ought to be ashamed of yourself". Those who didn't speak English still worked out that I had said a_bad_thing.

Me and my mates cracked up and walked on.

I'm still here, I've not been condemned to eternal hell as far as I am aware. Yet.
(Sun 4th Sep 2011, 22:43, More)