b3ta.com user ukraine space monkey
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» Bad Smells

Cup of tea, babe?
I have been in a relationship with my partner for so long that cup-caking and dutch-ovening have become stale. Having thought of a new way to 'share' the smell of my flatulence with her I offered to make us a cup of tea, whereupon I took her favourite mug out of the cupboard and proceeded to unload the gaseous contents of my arse into it. I placed a hand over the top of the mug to secure the precious cargo inside. It was warm to the touch. I walked through to the living-room with her favourite mug in hand and a look of grave concern.

"Look at your mug"

I presented the mug to her face. She looked at it and after a few seconds took, what could only be described as, a very committed sniff and promptly gagged.

She wouldn't talk to me for ages afterwards, even after she stopped boking.

The strong aroma of sabotage still lingers in that mug to this very day.

tl;dr - I farted in a cup.
(Wed 22nd Jan 2014, 15:55, More)

» Ouch!

Never put anything smaller than your elbow in your ear...
Various painful ear stories!

A few christmases back I had a very bad cold and all the sniffing of lovely thick grog had resulted in my ears becoming quite blocked. That combined with poor fingernail maintainence and intensive pinkying my earhole resulted in an excruciating pop. Yes! I perforated my eardrum still couldn't here anything and was in pain that ibprofen and paracetomal couldnt cure! I've still not learned my lesson though, nothing gives me greater pleasure than pinkying a great golden nugget out my ear.

Friend told me this one...

Friend of a friends aunties second detached cousin in laws wife (and so on) had a bad habbit of putting cotton buds in her ears and leaving them there. One drunken night she cleaned her ears, left the cotton bud there done a bit of farting about as one does after a few cheeky waters and then jumped onto her bed with cotton bud weilding ear landing on the pillow sending the cotton bud into her ear like a cow slaughter bolt thingy majig. I was told there was a lot of interesting pussy colours on her pillow. Being a person of the variety that doesnt learn her lessons she done it again with the exception of rather than jumping on the bed she answered a phone with a cotton bud in her ear....


Be gentle I dont do this often :)
(Sun 1st Aug 2010, 15:58, More)

» Driven to Madness

Abbreviated Slang
The use of the words like 'Ream' for 'really amazing' or when someone says 'that is amaze' instead of amazing...or even totesafuckingmazeballs.

These people give society a ministroke every time they are uttered.


edit: Just read through and realised I'm not the first to mention it...
(Fri 5th Oct 2012, 15:39, More)

» Asking people out

Catch a goat you've pulled...
...and apparently they fall into bed.

I've just popped my b3ta cherry. I feel so dirty.
(Mon 14th Dec 2009, 20:34, More)

» Bullshit and Bullshitters

need i say nemore?
(Mon 17th Jan 2011, 23:41, More)
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