» Helicopter Parents

Apart from banning the A-team
as mentioned earlier, my parents were very, VERY open with us from quite a young age and, trust me, it can be just as bad...

One of my chores for earning my 75p a week pocket money was to empty the bins around the house. Due to my parents beliefs about being open about sex, it was apparently not seen as important for them to discreetly dispose of their used condoms, instead choosing to discard them openly into the bedroom waste basket.

Unfortunately, all the liberal, hippy bullshit in the world doesn't stop a small 10 year old brainmeat from freaking the fuck out at the sight of a sopping man-sheath. The bin was dropped to the floor and, upon impact, scattered it's contents across the carpet... including said semen-filled, silicon serpent.

I stared at it for a long, long time trying to decide whether to pick it up and put it back in the bin or just leave it for my parents to find. I had just about decided that it would be marginally less mortifying to wrap it up and move it than it would be to have my parents explain how 'natural' the whole thing was, when I heard someone coming up the stairs, panicked and threw it into the bin.

With. My. Bare. Hands.

You know the game you play with your friends when you're teens where because you've touched a girls hand and she's touched her boob, you've technically touched her boob?
Well, shockingly, I never mentioned to my friends that, by that rationale, I've technically fingered my mum.

*shudders*
(Thu 10th Sep 2009, 16:00, More)

» Impulse buys

Ebay is to blame
...for a lot of people's impulse buys, mine is no different. A quick search for a new case to house my moderate guitar pedal collection produced pretty much exactly the item I required within the first three results. Ever eager to find a bargain I scrolled through the first couple of pages only to notice, about half way down the second page, one of the thumbnails appeared to depict a skeleton. A quick click revealed the item was indeed 'Large wooden display case for sale... contains actual human skeleton'. £98 Buy It Now. Bargain! £98 for a whole person! Getting her (It's a female skeleton, her name is Jo) from London back to my house near Oxford was a bit of a pickle but totally worth it as the reaction she gets from first time guests is awesome.

When we move house I want to remove a few obviously human bones and hide them under our patio for the new owners to find... My girlfriend is very much against the idea though :(
(Tue 26th May 2009, 13:49, More)

» Losing it

The first of many occasions
where it turned out to be a bad idea to try and use a gadget of some sort and pee simultaneously. This occasion is still special because I have not the ability to explain why I thought this would work...

Living in halls at Uni, I got up one morning and staggered to the loo for morning toilet time. While standing there I realised the clocks had gone back and decided to multi-task and change my watch accordingly. Being one of the strange minority that wear their watch on their right wrist, this involved removing the watch to have reasonable access the twiddly-knob-thingy on the side (you can see where this is going).

*plop*

I'm now looking down at my beloved time-piece submerged in my own piss water and, as I'm still going at this point, have to stare forlornly at it until I finish.

Obviously I wasn't going to abandon my watch but I wasn't exactly in a rush to stick my hand down there to retrieve it. At this point inspiration struck. If I put the bog brush down there to hold my watch still then flush the toilet it'll remove the manky water AND clean my watch at the same time...

*Brush*

*Flush*

'Oh'

I don't know what was stupider, the fact that I thought this would work or the fact that I was genuinely surprised when the toilet swallowed my watch.
(Sat 23rd Jul 2011, 12:44, More)

» Evil Pranks

Another passing out story...
Our friend paul used to pass out, without fail, at every single party he attended. It got to the point where we had shaved and/or written on vitually every inch of his body and it was time to either stop or think up something new. As we were generally bored by the time paul passed out, stopping wasn't much of an option. Unfortunately as we were also generally quite unimaginative, thinking up new ways to torture him didn't go very well and in the end resorted to writing on him with something other than pen (criminal genius, I'm sure you'll agree). But what to use.... in the end we stumbled upon some Tippex (don't know what the rest of the world call it, but it's the white latexy goop used to cover up typos). Next came the stupidity. When deciding where to apply said Tippex it was apparently a really good idea to colour in his eyelids so he would look like a zombie(?!), oh how we laughed. A short time later paul awoke. Screaming. His eyes were burning and the laughter stopped. His vision was brutally impaired for two weeks and we went back to writing on him with pens.
Sorry mate, it seemed like a good idea at the time...
(Tue 18th Dec 2007, 10:19, More)

» Insults

my friend is a web monkey
with a very plainly spoken (stroppy) boss, on one particular occasion said boss was having a particularly fine rant about nothing of consequence when the office Christian decided to try calming him with some biblical wisdom, to which stroppy boss replied "Go fuck Jesus in the cunt!". An instant classic.
(Tue 9th Oct 2007, 18:23, More)