b3ta.com user blubear
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» Public Transport Trauma

Animals and wanking
A few years ago I was minding my own business on a very long train journey. I had some work to do with me, so I had a window seat at a table.
A strange looking lady boarded the train, grumpily making her way down the aisle - swearing at, and bumping into every available stranger with an armful of bags. Of course, she sat down next to me.
I stared at my work, using every ounce of my concentration to pretend not to notice her. She tapped me on the shoulder, and began one of the strangest conversations I have ever, ever had in my life:
Her: "Do you like pets?"
Me: "Er, yeah they're alright I 'spose. I had a hamster once. It died.
Her: "Oh, hamsters. I know them, they're internal."
I can only assume she meant nocturnal. Chatter went on for some time, she appeared to be completely lucid when talking about animals. If conversation strayed, she was completely barkiing. My favorite example of this was:
Her: "I went to see my son last week, I like his dog but he beats it with his belt so I gave it some of my sleeping pills to make it feel better but my doctor said not to do that again otherwise he would strike me off. My careworker doesn't know I've gone out shopping today."
I was literally trapped against the window at this point, and not wishing to provoke her I decided to keep her talking about the animals, dogs, horses, chinchillas, cats, ferrets, rabbits, fish... anything I mentioned she seemed to have been an owner/keeper of at some point. I wanted to find an animal she hadn't ever owned, and this happened:
Me: "My friend had an african grey parrot once, it said rude things."
Her: "oh yes, yes, they're very clever. Mine said allsorts."
Me: "Don't they live for a long time, do you still have it?"
Her: "Oh, no, I've been banned from keeping animals for ten years. Didn't you see it on the news?"
And then I twigged, I had seen it on the news a few months previously, my new friend was this lady:

Two weeks after this, I was upgraded on a flight to America. Again, a window seat. I fell asleep feeling smug about all the leg room, only to wake up sitting next to a very twitchy, spotty 15 year old lad. I slowly came to the realisation that he was having a jolly little wank under his blanket. I was too mortified to say anything, for an entire 45 minutes. At which point, he stopped twitching, slumped down in his chair, and asked to borrow my pen. I told him I'd rather he didn't touch my belongings, until he'd gone to the toilets and washed his hands.

Edit: I must have met her escaping. Wonder what was in the bags? news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/leicestershire/5103072.stm
(Wed 4th Jun 2008, 22:25, More)

» Stuff You've Overheard

fat girl
A few years back I was living in a boarding house. In situations like this, you dont really get to choose your friends. You're friends with everyone because its easier than not getting on with them and living with them. Even if you cocking hate them.
We were all sat around watching tv, probably something quite boring. One of the characters on tv was very upset (i think his girlfriend had just died or broken up with him)and he was eating an apple. a friend of mine said something along the lines of 'how can he be eating when he's that upset?' to which i replied with 'i think its called comfort eating'
to all of our amazement, and enjoyment, the FAT and i mean obese girl in the room absentmindedly mutters 'yeah, comfort eating is the best thing in the world..'
it was one of those moments where you were afraid to look anyone in the eye, because you were on the brink of wetting yourself with laughter, and didnt want to be the first one to crack up. you could have cut the hysterical tension in the room with a knife.
(Thu 10th Jun 2004, 19:04, More)

» Clients Are Stupid

I was temporarily working for my uncle's financial advisory company (I left after a week because I had never been so bored in my life)
They put me on the phones (it was basically being a telemarketer trying to sell financial advice to people with ccj's for not paying bills etc which made no sense as I'd had absolutely no experience or training in this field at all)
I had to call these people up and go through a scripted spiel.. one gem of a conversation went:
Me: hallo my names. blah.. im calling.. blah.. would you mind if i asked you how you are doing financially at the moment?
Him: yes i bloody well do mind. where are you calling from? (i had just told him) How do I know you arent a theif who's calling up to find out if im worth robbing?
Me: Sir..
Him: well im telling you im calling the police the second i hang this phone up..
Me: Sir, if you would wait a minute I'll get my supervisor
Him: I dont want to speak to a bloody supervisor i want the police. You're going to be in big trouble.
I apologised for wasting his time and hung up the phone. what an ass. was just doing my job..
(Tue 30th Dec 2003, 2:38, More)

» Black Sheep

The black sheep in my family has to be the ewe my second cousin seduced whilst he was working in Wales.
More recently, we also have a litter of bastard half-cast baby sheep.

We still talk to them though.
(Wed 19th Jan 2005, 19:55, More)

» People with Stupid Names

whilst visiting my parents
My parents live in one of the southern states of the grand old USA. Whilst driving around the local area, I noticed they have little benches along busy roadsides and at intersections, none of which I have ever seen ANYBODY using. On the back-rests of these wooden benches is space for advertising. One of them had the number for a local hypnotist, alongside her name : Christina Fuchs-Arthur
Made me giggle, Arthur must be a lucky guy.
(Sat 28th Aug 2004, 16:59, More)
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