» Insults

Death of a RAF Police Dog
Whilst I was serving for my queen (gawd bless er!) and country, the following occured, but first a bit of background...

Every year on dog sections in the RAF there are competitions (think Crufts but with bigger teeth).
One chap had performed extremely well and had been chosen to compete in the area trials (where stations compete against each other).
Now, the training for this is quite hard (both for handler and more importantly the dog) and Steve (for that is his the handler) I apologise cannot remember the name of the dog (shame)were up the section every day for weeks preparing for the competition.

Anyho, one day turned up and heard that Steve's dog had died in the night, twisted gut (NOT a nice way to go). Unbeliveingly checked in the kennel, yup, no dog.

Walked into the section, there is Steve in the sargent's office being a bit weepy with colleagues consoling him, so I stuck my head round the door and stated the following...

"Fucking hell Steve, if you didn't want to compete in the trials all you had to do was say so"

Cue cups of tea sprayed over the office. Did get dragged in by the sargent where he warned me on my conduct, he did find it hilarious but I should bear in mind other people's feelings.
(Thu 11th Oct 2007, 9:44, More)

» Stupid Dares

Coming off shift one morning....
Many moons ago I used to be a doghandler in the RAF.

We'd just taken delivery (the day before) of a brand new Hawson van and my mate Dave (for that is his name) was driving it back.

Almost back at the dog section, van doing approx 70-75mph, chap in the passenger seat (Walter, nickname) started a conversation...

Walter: "Bet you can't get this into 2nd"

Dave: "Bet I fuckin can!"

Dave then shoved the gear stick into 2nd. The engine did protest (for about 3 seconds) there was a loud bang and plenty of smoke billowed out the back, the van slowly wandered over to the side of the road.
Upon closer inspection of the under the bonnet, found 2 'almost' circular bits of metal (read side of engine) and behind them were two bits of the engine that certainly should never see the light of day, that'll be the pistons then.

In all my days i've never heard 4 blokes laugh as long and loud as we did that morning. One of us walked back to the section, got the other wagon and towed it back, Dave gotr on with the paperwork, explaining how he was driving 'within the limits' and the engine blew up.

Surprising Dave never got reamed for this as it transpired that there were 3 other Hawson vans, brand new, same make/model etc which had also suffered from the same fate as our wagon.

Which means did they drive round like fucking maniacs or was there a design flaw?
(Thu 1st Nov 2007, 16:34, More)

» Evil Pranks

Gotta love the wife...
Just after I got married, thought I'd play a joke on the missus.

I hid a small digital clock in the bookcase in our front room, set it to beep on the hour...

That's it!

For weeks, she'd hear a faint 'beep' noise and couldn't find where it was coming from. On numerous occasions it would beep whilst I was in the room, she'd then mention it and I would swear blind I'd not heard anything.

This went on for about 2 months...

Came home from work and met triumphant wifey on the step, she had figured out the source of the beeping, we had a labradour called Sam who had been 'chipped'. She reckoned that the battery in the chip was running low and had started to beep, so we had to take him to the vet for a new one...

I lead her wordlessly to the bookcase, removed the clock from the bookcase, put it on the dining room table, it beeped (5pm) I then went upstairs and got changed.

Needless to say, I made my own tea that night..

Length? the chips are about as wide as your thumb...
(Mon 17th Dec 2007, 8:59, More)

» Evil Pranks

Glitter Shitter
Many moons ago, whilst in the RAF I was detached to Kosovo. Accommodation was sleeping bags and tents, it was a good life and it was good.

One of the Sgt's (Nige) was away on R&R, we were having bit of a party in his tent. We had one of those party poppers that you blow up then squeeze and the glitter bits go all over the place.

So, we did this in Nige's sleeping bag and promptly forgot all about it. He came back, crashed out in his bag, woke up the following mornig, covered in little glitter squares. Now Nige not a quiet chap (he is from Leeds) eventually saw the funny side, however he was slightly perturbed when he announced that when he wiped his arse he was finding glitter squares...
(Fri 14th Dec 2007, 9:20, More)

» Evil Pranks

Be there in a Jif
Many moons ago, I worked in a double glazing factory. My job was to sand and polish the upvc window frames, quite a boring job but allowed you to switch off and let your mind go a-wanderin.

Old joe also worked doing the same job, he was 190 if he was a day. One of those blokes old school, gave as good as he gets.

Anyho, one particular day, me and another lad Jason had been watching Joe and he had finished sanding a frame and was ready to polish it. At this point Jason lured Joe away from his bench and I set about the dastardly deed.

The tools we used were air powered and the polisher had a massive bristle head that you could pull apart, so I got hold of a bottle of Jif and proceeded to pull the bristles apart and apply plenty of the white stuff.

By the time i'd finished, the bristle head was sopping with Jif, anyway Joe came back, plugged in the buffer and continued with his work.

At this point I actually turned away as I was trying my damndest not to laugh, thinking about it as I type it still makes me chuckle.

All I heard was the buffer give a whirr (these things spin round at some fuck-off rpm) and Joe scream "You Bastards!!"

I turned round to see Joe, white from the waist up, he took his glasses off and that was it, everyone pissed themselves laughing, he joined in to, christ it was funny!!

The following day, I walked into the rest room for my dinner, I looked for my lunchbox wasn't in my bag. Shouted whose got my lunch, next thing I heard was the cross cut saw starting up, you guessed it, there was Joe grinning like a maniac with my lunch box. He crouched down and chopped it in half, my can of pop exploded and sarnies went everywhere.

Apologies for length, but had to get Joe's prank in as well!!
(Thu 13th Dec 2007, 16:54, More)