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Word to your mother etc....

My name isn't important, my picture is...
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» Hotel Splendido

Get The Fuck Up!!
I used to work in an hotel as a nightporter/bar-bloke/thief and lazy-arse so to be honest i could fill this QOTW with stories about bad experiences for the "customers" in my hotel but one particularly sticks in my mind.

Hotels=all night bar, so many times we'd have some fairly pissed people around the place. One time there was a rugby club in, not a famous one (maybe they were, i know nothing about rugby) and yes they stayed up untill 4/5 singing strange chants and acting quite gay (i know enough about rugby to know this is normal) by showing each other how many 10p pieces they could hold under their foreskins. Generally acting like the latent queens we all know rugby players to be. After they'd retired to bed i found one!! Passed out in a corridor! No surprise. What was surprising was that i couldn't wake him up (no, he was still alive, that's a different story) and that he'd tried to get undressed on his way to his room, clothes all over the place.. So after a few minutes of shaking him and checking his breathing i decided to position him holding a sign saying "HuNGry and HomeLess, Please HElP" and take photos. After tiring of this i got a felt tip (permanent of course) and drew a nice big knob on his head, hoping that he'd assume it was his mates. Still not tiring of abusing him i then nicked his clothes, the ones he'd removed that is, i didn't actually strip him!!

Then my bleeper went off and i had to attend to some trivial thing that is essential to making hotels work at night, yes, i went and had a smoke with the other night porter. Totally forgetting this guy was up there (kids, winners don't smoke weed).

An hour later a little old lady came to reception (up early to walk her pooch) and informed my boss of "a man asleep in the hotel". After the initial confusion, "it IS a hotel Madam, people do sleep here!" He went to investigate, finally returning with the aforementioned rugby player, still heartily drunk, wearing his briefs and a torn shirt, felt tip cock resplendant on his head, clutching his little sign, to the reception area, to find out what room he was supposed to be in, just as breakfast service starts!!

That must have been a pretty bad hotel experience, I think I still have his club tie somewhere...

Length? About 40 pence...
(Sun 20th Jan 2008, 12:02, More)

» Real-life slapstick

An old chum of mine was renowned for being a bit clusy but one day at work really took the first prize...

Whilst standing on a kick-stool, a customer asked her a question. Unfortunately that customer wasn't to know that ****** is scared of her own shadow...

She started, wobbled, over balanced...
Fell with her foot landing in a shopping basket..
Which slid 2 feet across the shop floor..
Depositing her, arse first, into an open fridge!

Forever more i referred to it as "The Kick-stool/Basket/Fridge" incident!
(Tue 26th Jan 2010, 11:05, More)

» Accidental innuendo

Mind not on the job.
Again i was working in The Hotel, an endless supply of fun!

Being the nightporter we had to arrange check-in cards for the next day. Easy enough, printed out by receptionists, stapled to card by me.

One day i found a printout for Mr I. Eatcock... yup i eat cock...

After much amusement (for an hour or so, i was choking with laughter) we eventually found the correspondance was actually from Mr Eatock... obviously the receptionist wasn't concentrating on her work...
(Fri 13th Jun 2008, 18:08, More)

» Abusing freebies

i have
knocking on 50 o2 simcards...
(Fri 9th Nov 2007, 15:57, More)

» Get Rich Quick

I sold crack...
...and i'm not proud!
(Fri 1st Aug 2008, 16:02, More)
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