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» School Days

Sony Bravia?
A while back, there was an advert for Sony Bravia featuring a load of balls bouncing down a hill. I saw it, and forgot about it.

A few years on, it's time to leave school. It is traditional for the outgoing year to cause some kind of mayhem, though in recent years this has been progressively stamped out. This, thought the school, would be the end of it.

They tried to bribe us.
They threatened us with not being able to sit exams.
They Threatened us with arrest if we broke in.
They hired security with BIG damn dogs to reinforce this last.

So we had to be more creative. I remembered that advert, and obtained some bouncy balls, five hundred in total. I would drop them from a window, and run away.

Meanwhile, everyone else had planned a rather large coordinated raid, complete with boiler suits, smoke grenades, eggs, balaclavas and water pistols.

Oh and someone else, having heard of my plan, got a quid from everyone in the year and added five thousand bouncy balls to my five hundred.

The results were impressive - balls everywhere, an explosion of colour, as 5500 of the things bounced and rolled over a car park filled with children (and be-boilersuited bastards with most of the ingredients for a cake in throwable form.)

Speaking to a teacher a few weeks later, I found out that my plan had worked exactly as planned.

I had planned it to be funny - it was. I had planned it to be self cleaning - every child in the school picked up three or four bouncy balls.

I had planned for it to get progressively more annoying as the week went on - see above. Apparently no staff member could turn around for about a month without having a small rubber ball bounced off his head.
(Mon 2nd Feb 2009, 11:36, More)

» Cringe!

Post-it notes.
The memory of this is still horribly fresh, but here is the whole messy story anyway.

Being at university for the first time in my life, I began to forget all the careful lessons i'd learned over the previous two years about drinking.

So it comes to pass that there is a fancy dress party, with a theme that I now forget. The upshot of this is that I am wondering around, dressed in finest primark, as an emo kid. To really complete the look, I have borrowed someone's lipstick and made a few suspicious looking marks on my arm.

So there I am, still in halls, and I walk into the room next door. At which point I am immediately told off for the 'self harm jokes' by a half tearful girl who I didn't know, whilst a roomful of people look disapprovingly on. Great start.

This leads to me going back to my room, and cleaning off the lipstick. Figuring that alcohol is a wonderful thing, I grab the bottle of cheap vodka from my shelf as I leave, reasoning that this will better help me face the roomful of people who seem to think that I have just deliberately emotionally destroyed an unstable stranger.

At this point, things become a little hazy, and I am reliably informed that I never made it to the party. There exists a solitary photograph of an unlikely looking emo clutching a by then half empty bottle of vodka.

Wavy lines. Horrible swirly evil wavy lines.

I wake up, miraculously enough on my bed. I am cold. I am covered with a blanket. I look on the floor, and see my duvet cover. It takes a few minutes to realise that some bastard has puked on it. Come to think of it, my bed is feeling a little damp too.

Disgusted, with throbbing head and filled with righteous anger, I arose from my bed and went down to the laundry room to wash my filthy sheets. When I get back, I notice that my door wasn't locked, and take a closer look at it.

There is a single green post it note affixed to the inside of the door:

"I cleaned vomit off your eyebrows. You owe me. D"

That remains the most cringeworthy piece of paper I have ever seen. And I still have no idea how it got on my eyebrows.

*delurks to post. Yay, first post! Relurks*
(Mon 1st Dec 2008, 0:31, More)

» Pet Peeves

leave something in there that looks tasty and is completely packed with enough chilli (or insanity sauce or whatever) to blow their thieving heads off ...
(Sun 4th May 2008, 18:32, More)