» Darwin Awards

going on B3ta
and posting something in the wrong place
(Thu 12th Feb 2009, 21:18, More)

» Ouch!

Crohns
Crohn's disease and colitis cause severe ulceration of the colon which causes the intestines to go on strike and cause a very severe and immodium-proof case of the shits (bristol scale #7) that can only be curtailed with the use of corticosteroids. But we're not here to chat about shit, and unfortunately IBD isn't just about an incurable case of the bad beer runs.
As anyone who has had a mouth ulcer will testify, any movement or anything touching the affected area will cause a very serious pain. If your colon has ulcers all over it it feels as though you're pregnant with a baby made of knives and battery acid. Anything passing through, be it wind or fecal matter causes a pain so bad it stops you in your tracks and almost makes you drop to your knees, and you would if it wasn't the case that you had to make a dash for the smallest room very quickly.
After around five weeks of this, severe weight loss and half your friends thinking you've taken to smoking crack, the NHS gives you the chance to go for the dreaded camera. Or as chtonic would say, the long bendy jaws on the end thingy.
If you ever get to see what your intestines look like, well for christ's sake, make sure you take someone with you, because otherwise they don't let you get sedated, and what they don't tell you is that for the camera to be able to take accurate pics of knackered intestinal wall they have to fill you full of air. This means every last bit of ulcerated colon is all stretched at once, for around fifteen minutes.
I thought I was going to die. I couldn't speak, I could barely breathe properly, the heart bleep device was all over the place. It is without doubt the most painful thing I have ever had to endure, ever.

Credit where its due, this was the zenith before I was prescribed corticosteroids and set on the path to remission, and nowadays through a combination of asacol tablets and some immunosuppressants they give to liver transplant patients (our local plumber, who is on his second liver said "Fuckinell, I'm on those, they stop me shitting me liver out") I am able to live something resembling a normal working life, touch wood.

But FFS if you ever have to go for a flexible sigmoidoscopy, TAKE SOMEBODY WITH YOU.

Length? a metre and a half second time round. I made sure i was heavily sedated for that one.
(Thu 29th Jul 2010, 19:26, More)

» Good Advice

From the Trash Whore Diaries blog:
Never pick a fight with someone uglier than you, for they have less to lose.
(Thu 20th May 2010, 16:57, More)

» DIY Techno-hacks

i used to work as a driver for a firm that did patios/driveways
My job was to drive the pickup truck, drop the materials off, pick the shit up etc.
One time i'd got a couple of tons of smashed up driveway on the back of the van. I opened the flap at the back to tip the rubbish and the bloody thing slipped out of my hands and smashed one of the tail lights.
i fixed it by taking the label off a bottle of dr pepper and lashing it on with some old electrical wire.
It worked surprisingly well. If you were following the van at night you wouldn't know anyway.
(Fri 21st Aug 2009, 3:51, More)

» Housemates

mickey
actually he was called something else. He liked the nickname, happily oblivious to the fact that we called him that as in some places its another word for cock, or knob. He was age 28 at the time, and worked at the same place my mate did. Being a couple of years older than us, we thought he may be a bit more wise to the ways of the world than us. yeah right.
On a night out, despite our complaints, he'd go out in a red knitted cardigan that really showed off his beer gut. Any more than four pints and he'd turn into the biggest, most embarrassing knobhead in the world; One of those blokes that tries to pull every single girl in the club regardless of size, weight, race, or pulse.
His girlfriends got bigger and wider until he ended up with one who had to walk through doors sideways and wore size 28 clothes. I kipped in the room beneath his and when she was round it sounded like godzilla was walking around upstairs.
Back home he could often be found eating pasta shells and vindaloo sauce mixed with bisto. Most other days he'd exist on curry, not any curry though, always had to be a lamb tikka vindaloo, even after it gave him gastro-entritis.
I could do another couple of paragraphs about him not putting anything away ever or forgetting to pay bills but that's not weird, just fucking irritating, specially when he's fucked off for the week and the fucking tv licence bailiffs came knocking.
ahem
apologies for length and rantitude
(Thu 26th Feb 2009, 19:04, More)