» Cars

If you witness a crash on the motorway but are not involved,
Stop at the next orange emergency phone and report it. Everyone calls it in from their mobiles, but hardly anybody knows EXACTLY where on the motorway they are. The orange phone will pinpoint you to within 1,000 metres, which allows the operator to send the police/wombles more quickly. Even if it's a damage-only crash, the quicker the authorities can clear it up the less time there is for numpties to wander around getting run over in the aftermath.
(Tue 27th Apr 2010, 22:35, More)

» PE Lessons

Threatening the library as a punishment
Mr Dawson and Mr Albon were the two raging, thundering testosterone-fuelled tracksuit-wearing thugs tasked with forcing us unwilling kids to take part in sports we neither understood nor cared for, whilst guaranteeing that the heftier, thicker boys would have plenty of time to kick several shades of shit out of us on a regular basis.

Mr Dawson once "threatened" me with being made to sit in the library for a whole games lesson if I didn't get on and join in with whatever pointless weakling-baiting was going on that week, then he looked most surprised when he saw me merrily trotting out of the changing rooms not ten seconds later. I honestly don't think the concept of a library being an enjoyable place to spend time had *ever* occurred to him...
(Tue 24th Nov 2009, 22:53, More)

» Amazing displays of ignorance

Many moons ago
I went for a job interview at a small company run by a middle-aged Indian man (I ended up working for him for nigh-on ten years, but that's by the by). That evening I was recounting the course the interview took to my then better half:

Me: "So when I went in, his wife offered me a cup of tea, and..."
BH: "Tea? I didn't know they drank tea!"
Me: "So... where d'you think tea comes from then?"
BH: "..."
(Thu 25th Mar 2010, 1:16, More)

» Happy 10th Birthday B3ta

Footballers with handbags
This image led me to b3ta.com in mid-2002, when it appeared on the front of the Daily Mirror. I explored the whole site and wished I could 'shop / create pics like that.

I don't post here much, except for occasional comments on QOTW. I didn't even sign up for a username until 4 years ago. But I reckon I've wasted more hours lurking on b3ta over the last decade than any other site on the web. Except teh donkey pr0n ones, obviously.

Long may it continue. Oh, and i still can't 'shop for toffee. Maybe in another 10 years...

/relurk
(Mon 12th Sep 2011, 17:59, More)

» The most childish thing you've done as an adult

I used to work in a minicab office
that was on an industrial estate in the middle of nowhere, instead of, you know, in the middle of town were all the customers were. In the yard outside were around 60 traffic cones (which one of my equally childish colleagues had liberated from a major road reconstruction scheme some months previously).

One v-e-r-y quiet weekday night I amused myself by arranging the cones so that although nothing was apparent from ground level, when viewed on the security camera they made the perfect outline of a cock and bollocks.

When positioning the cones I even took into account the effect of parallax on the camera view (much like the funny-shaped adverts on the ground at cricket matches).
(Tue 22nd Sep 2009, 10:27, More)