» Darwin Awards

Darwins Turkeys?
Possibly not a full on entry to the Darwin awards but still a rather funny dice with death involving motorbikes, cars, flying and turkeys !!

Righty ho. just over 2 years ago I was working in IT distribution in basingstoke, about 35 miles from where i live and as the M3 is SUCH a stupid 2 lane motorway, I decide to do it on my motorbike. so 70 miles a day of fun with no smelly people on trains/bus's, no sitting in crap traffic jams, no idiot workmates to talk to any annoy the arse off of me, just relative peace and quiet with a smile on my face.(cue plenty of ghostrider style naughtyness ripping through traffic!!!)

Anyway, as i digress about the wonders of biking !!

So 2 years ago, there I was. Last day of work for the year, my 3 boys are coming down from scotland with the ex wife for xmas, full of excitement and xmas cheer !! Now, luckily this day is a non uniform day, so in i go in my bike leathers which my lovely ex colleagues refer to as my "power ranger" suit. The office is more full of piss taking and abuse than anywhere i have heard about, but to be honest, i loved it !! anyway, Stuff it, not many of them even drive a car let alone a bike. twunts. So my employers being the caring folk that they were, always gave away a pretty good fresh free range turkey to each memeber of staff for xmas. This was a nice perk as there's nothing worse than that last crap looking turkey in the bottom of the freezer in the supermarket. The one that you can see has been kicked about the floor like a football but if you don't buy it your mrs will have your knackers on the chopping block.

So end of day, i pick up my turkey, but as there was 1 left and I was one of the last folk left, I was offered a second !! SHAZAM !! Turkey munching to continue for several weeks !! Whats amount of turkey feasts can i cunjure up in my kitchen !!

Hmmm though, just me, a large bag and oh fucksocks, on my motorbike. Plan emerging.

2 x 14lb turkeys into a bag, got it done (luckilly they were not frozen) but with the aid of a couple of roles of sellotape, then getting someone to haul the bag on me and I strap up. Bit heavy but when on the bike ok.

Now its 2.30pm, southbound on the M3, As happy as a pig in the proverbial as my 3 young sons are coming down from scotland, got 2 turkeys and already got a fridge full of the usual xmas stuff. Sorted. With that glee and happiness, cue the "ride of the valkyries" in my head. Throttle gets pulled back, "WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE" goes I with 1 wheel on the ground !! Few miles down the road, i slow down (ahem to nearer speed limit) when some dozy woman switches lanes without looking WHILST putting on her make up !! The f*cking nerve !! now this made me swerve from the middle lane to the fast lane at around about 90.

Now this is where things go in mad slow motion !

As i swerve the dozy bint, this is on the crest of a hill, fast lane is now rapidly the slowest moving of all 3 lanes yet strangely the slower 2 lanes were completely clear!! Heart in mouth, ANCHORS ON !!!!!! PLEASE DONT LET MY TRUSTY ZZR GET HURT !!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH !!!!!!!

Slowed down to 40 in those few meters but hit someone up the arse. Things get even more slow motion !!

CLANG !!!!!!!

Last thing i remember was my head being about the same 6ft in the air as when i stand up, looking through some cars rear window, but being COMPLETELY the wrong way up !

15 mins later.

eyes open, cannot feel anything, start to hear things, try to push myself up but being wierdly week. figure out i'm laying down on my front in the middle lane of the M3. Manage to get up, start to feel pain down my side, Also wondering whey everything was blurred but soon figured out that my glasses where missing. turned around, looked down the hill, 3 lanes of standstill traffic. Some people standing around, some people mentioning the other driver i swerved as she almost hit some other folk. But I can guess most people sat in their cars where just narked off as they were getting late for their xmas fun !!

Anyway, where is my trusty steed? My beautifull ZZR? What has happened to her? I see her laying on her side in a puddle of oil. Over i walk, tear in eye. pick her up. push to side of road.

But where are my tukeys???????

An old chap 2 cars in front of the car I hit just happened to look up at exactly the right time and saw them fly about 6 ft over his car in a last ditch for freedom as if they knew this was their last chance before a few hours at 160deg C with some stuffing and sausage up their arse !!
He saw them hit some cars then both bounce (leaving dents in ANOTHER car) and off to the left and into a bush at the side of the motorway !! So he see's me and brings them over. "at least you still have these buggers !! Sorry, but the bags fooked"

Lets take stock
Bike, damaged but repairable.
me? 4 cracked ribs, lost glasses, torn muscles, Some cool looking battle scars on the leathers. Helmet smashed, but did I have any marks on me? NOT FOOKING ONE. NO PROOF, NOTHING I CAN SHOW OFF AT A PARTY OR GET SOME SYMPATHY/SHAG FROM THE LADIES, BOOOOOOOOOO !!!

But The turkeys? For their last flight and taste of freedom with a triple crash land? Not a mark on them. Nothing at all.

Tasted AWESOME !!

Moral of the tale !! Watch out for women drivers putting on make up !! And make sure your turkeys are secured although they are worse than escaping that the forger from the great escape !! " let me come with you !, I can see, I can see perfectly !!"

Length? 70 miles plus 30 meters flying, weight? 16 stone plus 28lb of turkey meat.
(Tue 17th Feb 2009, 14:29, More)

» Nativity Plays

Hmmmmm
Well, I'm a non religious type so the only part I ever played was "The snowman".

Yes, thats a very uninteresting point i know. I generally read the QOTW and look at the image challenges when I read B3TA but this, BY A LONG COUNTRY MILE, has to be the most uninteresting subject matter i have ever come across !!!

What have we got here? a few posts with something that MAY just about register as a smile? Nothing like some of the falling off the chair type laughing and clutching my side in pain when innebriated I have done on some previous QOTW's.

So come on, PLEASE, I couldn't give a hoot about some mong who forgot his lines or some irritating cherub who cacks his pants etc.

Who exactly chooses the QOTW and how can we put forward some sugestions?

How about something like (and probably done before) "Funniest things that have ever happened to you" as I have a god damn truck load of things I can put on there !!

Sorry for the rant, but i cannot even be bothered to read any more of this QOTW. And thats a first for me !!!

Anyone else agree?

Length? pretty short this week !! BOOOOOOOOOOOO
(Sun 29th Mar 2009, 10:33, More)

» I'm your biggest Fan

Not me but someone i know !!
About 10 years ago I had a mate who was the son of a farmer in the west country and their familly had a semi decent sized farm. Cow, sheep, spuds etc. I wasn't really that interested in all that he was growing in the fields apart from what i was not supposed to scramble over when taking out the motorbikes for a run about !! Noisy bike, Lots of space, lots of mud !! Happy times !!

Now as my mates parents were actually quite well off at the time, they did have some nice equipment and his dad asked if he and I would go to some show to look at some stuff. Some big show with big names in the farming industry or whatever showing off their new bits. Now as i am not a farming lad, i couldn't tell you who the celebrity farming names are as I was only interested in going to shows like that if it were something like the Motorcycle News Show with all the manufacturers and the tasty looking dolly girls and some bike racers floating around. So as this is not my kind of event i initially declined the invite. But then my mate was so keen on going as his dad wasn't i said I would go along for moral support but he could buy the smokes and beer for the train journey.

Suffice to say, that on the 3 hour train journey, and the couple of changeovers, we had a bit too much to smoke of the "homegrown" and quite a few beers, so a bit dazed and bloodshot eyes, but never the less, i though we were both OK, lets put on the sunglasses.

Now as with all shows and his familly was very much into his top bling stuff, we got there and he headed straight to some group surrounding some farming celeb, I still have no chuffing clue who the hell he is but matey seemed to be very happy in meeting him. Me, i just wait in the sidelines checking out some rather buxom farmers daughters. Would it be worth it even if they do have webbed toes??

Now back comes my mate, with a big smile on his face, he has just got some blokes autograph who has the biggest mutton chops i have EVER seen. SO off we go around this show, he's busy looking at stuff, I am slowly getting more bored so we nip outside for some lunch and another sample of the "homegrown"

Now this "homegrown" was rather devilish stuff and rather than making us sleepy, we were just in a funny mood now. So going up to girls and just chatting them up without any thought of any consequences. ie Their boyfriend who makes giant haystacks look like a limp wristed mincer etc but we come away with just a few slapped faces but still smiling.

Then is all starts to get a bit messy !!

Matey is going a bit odd now and starts to stare at things a bit too long. He's lost it !! So we cue up for a coffee, I think 1-2 really strong ones should do the trick. Now this does perk my mate up, but maybe a little too much as I forgot he doesn't drink coffee or tea !!

Off he plods and I lose sight of him. 5 mins later I find him sat on the top of a combine harvester, semi naked, big crowd around him and he's prentending he's driving it !!! Now these places didn't have bouncers but these people who were showing off these machines climbed up and grabbed him off. Now when they were pulling him off, i noticed that they were some of the same mutton chopped faced people he had been cuing up to grab their autographs from. Matey noticed as well and tries to hug them in a very excited and obviously innebriated state but then gets carried out of the building, put next to a wall and hay bale but he then starts to wobble. then half leans on the hay bale. Yup, my mate has shown himself up a treat and is now standing there with his head lolling around like a bladder on a stick !!!

What i hadn't noticed was the 2 girls, both with large buckets of water who were fast approaching him !!

SPLOSH, SPLOSH !!!!! "AAAAAAAAAAAARGH"

now as it was a nice summers day, we had a little walk about and i didn't take him long to dry up, and due to the 2 ice cold buckets of water, he was suitably sobered !! So off we pop down the pub for a cold non alcoholic drink to chill out and contemplate the day.

Now my mate looked like a broken man. He had started the day with a fresh excited face, and now he just looked all sad and depressed. I knew he liked an occasional cigar so I went and bought some from the bloke behind the bar (as you could smoke in pubs back then)

So we have a couple of cigars and the bar has that nice bar room smokey hue (they way pubs SHOULD be !!!! Fucking non smokers ruining our fun !!!)

Now, 1/2 hour later, that mutton chopped man happened to come in the pub with a few of his big mutton chopped faced mates and they get a beer each. They notice me and my mate with our cokes and cigars and he comes over.

"OOO ARRRR, Did you enjoy your wake up call there laddy? you were a bit aaaart of it thaaarre."

Now quick as, my mate takes a long draw on his cigar, then blows a big load of cigar smoke in this blokes face and i saw him getting quite angry !! Matey then stood up, went almost face to face with him then sucked all the smoke away from Mr mutton chops. I was just about to grab matey and run out of the pub but my mate just stood there and said.

"Fuck off, I'm an EX-Tractor fan now"


Length? far too long and far too stoopid !! I am now getting my coat !!!!
(Mon 20th Apr 2009, 9:10, More)