» Customers from Hell

They love a sale
Customers love bargains.
Customers also apparently love films about the army.

Customers like to queue outside the shop on the first day of clearance, before we open, preparing themselves for the task ahead. A few stretches to limber up, maybe a little jogging on the spot.

9am hits. The shutters slowly grind into life and start to ascend.

ARMY CUSTOMER SPRINGS INTO ACTION, performing a perfect commando roll under the shutter so they can be the first to be slightly disappointed with what's on sale.
Other customers, not wanting to miss out on all the bargain's this first man is not going to get, all start ducking the shutter to get inside.

This is all because they can't go shopping for 2 days over Xmas.
(Wed 10th Sep 2008, 0:32, More)

» School Days

Not really my story but...
My flatmate used to be on his (very posh, private) school rugby team. When they had matches away at other (very posh, private) schools they would 'Tag-Team Shit' a toilet in the other school.

The entire 1st XV plus subs and some coaches would all do a big shit in one toilet without flushing in between. Then they'd bugger off and leave it for the poor caretaker of the other school to find later.
Gross.
(Sun 1st Feb 2009, 2:59, More)

» School Days

The worst behaved top maths set.
In Years 10 and 11 our Maths teacher was relatively new to the job, and basically looked like a 6th former. He found it hard to balance getting on and acting cool with the students, and making us actually do any work.
He was a pushover.

Being the top set people found it all a bit too easy, so took the opportunity to fuck about as much as possible.

A few things we did:
1) Mark hid in the cupboard at the back of the class, and waited, and waited, and waited and jumped out when teacher went for some textbooks. Got sent to the Key Stage manager for that one.

2)Sellotaped Mark face down to a table at the back of the class. He let people do it, but for some reason he was in trouble when the teacher came in, as if he could have done it to himself.

3)Teacher left the computer projector hooked up whilst helping some girls with their coursework. Cue Greg and Mark using the Omnigraph software, and their incredible geekery, to create a huge, whiteboard sized penis on the graph.

4)Used Pritt Stick all over the door handle, then told the teacher someone had just ran out, when they were hiding under their desk. Teacher gets a PrittSticky hand.

5)Mexican waves, and general chanting, particularly when the old bat of the department is nearby, knowing she'll bollock him for failing to control us.

He got suspended for calling a Year 8 a 'Ginger Twat', then left and became a private tutor instead.
Oh, and told us about shagging some bird twice his age when really lashed to dispel accusations of being a virgin. Weirdo.
(Sat 31st Jan 2009, 16:08, More)

» Buses

The Beauty of National Express
Twas a dark Sunday evening making the journey from Milton Keynes to Huddersfield on the good old 564 National Express. A regular journey it appeared until we reached the Wakefield Bus Station. Having changed bus driver at the Barnsley Interchange nobody on the bus had any idea what they were about to let themselves in for.

We pulled in at Wakefield, and a few people want to get off the bus. However, they were not prepared to leave without their suitcases, trapped in the luggage under the bus. The driver spent 15 minutes pressing every combination of buttons in front of him in a vain attempt to open the luggage compartment doors. It was no use, he hadn't been taught how to open doors in bus driver training. So on the phone he gets, and again no luck, he eventually finds another bus driver at the station and persuades them to show him which button to press.

Eventually, after another wait as he learns how to close the door to the bus again, we finally set off.
'Where are we going?' said the bus driver. A smattering of responses echo through the bus, eventually settling on Dewsbury. So the bus driver starts driving through Wakefield, past a sign for Dewsbury and Huddersfield, and towards a motorway somewhere.

A middle-aged gentleman travels to the front of the bus and perches behind the bus driver,
'Do you know where you are going?'
'Uh...'
'Why are we heading in this direction? There were plenty of signs for Dewsbury back there.'
'Guess, I'll turn it around again.'

For the rest of the trip to Dewsbury this man directs the bus driver where to go, but unfortunately gets off the bus, leaving our driver clueless once again on how to get to Huddersfield. Fortunately someone else took the initiative and told him where to go.

I have not stepped on a National Express coach I've never known a train driver to get lost.
(Sat 27th Jun 2009, 12:40, More)

» Customers from Hell

BALLS!
Selling school uniform this fine summer, the stocks of trousers rapidly deplete.

In walks Customer from Hell with Child from Hell, short and chubby.

(As you may or may not be aware, boys school trousers tend to increase in size by some weird exponential function, designed to prevent them fitting for anyone but about 6.8% of the population.)

And thus, Customer from Hell becomes increasingly exasperated at our pretty crappy selection of trousers, she starts turning on any shop assistants in sight:

'Why don't your trousers fit?!'
'Um, because the manufacturers don't send us every conceivable size' (That's code for, 'your kid is too short and fat')

Moments later, as child tries on latest pair of trousers:

'BALLS! The crotch is far too big for a boys balls! They look ridiculous!' etc.

Thankfully, she stormed out of the shop with fatty with the usual bollocks about never shopping here again. Shame really, we could have Specially Ordered the bloody trousers. Bint.
(Tue 9th Sep 2008, 23:58, More)