» Kids

Disabled child
Not mine, but something my boyfriend told me a couple of years ago (and still makes me laugh today!) He was at home, and the phone rang, which his mother answered. The caller says "Hello, sorry to bother you, I'm from the local council," or something to that effect, "and I was wondering if I could interest you in some raffle tickets - it's for a disabled child." To which my boyfriend's mother instantly replied, "What would I want with a disabled child!?"
(Mon 21st Apr 2008, 16:53, More)

» Accidental animal cruelty

Nelson
A number of years ago, we used to have a fishtank on our landing containing three fish. One was massive ('Goliath'), one fat and silly looking ('Spotty'), and one boring one ('Coral'). As with all childhood pets, by the first week they had lost all of their somewhat limited novelty, and from then on it was my reluctant father's job to maintain their upkeep.

Now, when changing the water in a fishtank, the best way to do it is to use a long length of plastic piping and an alternative container, placed below the level of the fishtank. (This may well be a technique all you home-brewers out there are familiar with!). You briefly, but powerfully, suck on the tubing, and then allow the laws of physics to deposit the water from the fishtank into the container. Naturally, this creates quite a powerful sucking force inside the fishtank. As Dad was only changing about half of the water to maintain its cleanliness, as the tank had a water-filter anyway, he didn't bother to remove the three fish from the tank - they were extremely elusive when it came to catching them and, after all, he was only changing a little of the water. Anyway, just as Dad was initially sucking on the tube to create such a force, a curious Goliath swims up to the end of the tube

Pop.

I've never seen my Dad move so bloody fast. Why? He was avoiding the fish-eye that had just been sucked from Goliath's body, and was winging its way in the direction of his gob.

The eye came clean away into the tube, gushed through it with the water and plopped into the bucket with all of the excess liquid. Fish is meanwhile thrashing in clear agony in the tank, looking distressed and bewildered (well, as distressed and bewildered as a goldfish can.) The fish survived, would you believe it, and led a very happy life with its remaining eye in the tank - bloody thing lived for about 8 years, in fact. Needless to say, from then on Dad used the humble 'jug' method to empty the fishtank... and we changed the fish's name.

Length? About 2mm!
(Tue 11th Dec 2007, 20:02, More)

» First World Problems

The elusive Man of fucking Aran LP
I have been trying to get hold of a copy of BSP's record Man of Aran for 6 months. I have had lots of money during this time. Now, I have no money. Now, there are 2 copies on Ebay.
(Sat 3rd Mar 2012, 4:12, More)

» Pet Peeves

Impatient DJing
I hate it when you go to parties and are exposed to only 30 seconds of each song. Obviously, when you're pissed up and trying to 'DJ', this is very fun as your attention span is usually tiny, but when you're trying to get your groove on to the Super Furry Animals and just before the good bit someone changes it to Gogol bloody Bordello... unforgiveable!
(Mon 5th May 2008, 18:57, More)