b3ta.com user Chum Gnomesky
You are not logged in. Login or Signup
Profile for Chum Gnomesky:
Profile Info:

Hanging down and to the left, I see.

Recent front page messages:


Best answers to questions:

» God

Oh God!!!
I've tried to avoid this QOTW due to my very strong views on the subject but I've just remembered, a day before it closes, one of the wisest quotes on the subject of religion I've ever heard.

In fact, I used to try to remember this every time I heard some deluded ignoramus blather on about whichever fairy was living at the bottom of their garden.

It's from a genius of the early 20th Century, quite unknown these days, but I reckon it's worth looking into some of his other stuff.

From Henry Louis Mencken:

"We must respect the other fellow's religion, but only in the sense and to the extent that we respect his theory that his wife is beautiful and his children smart."
(Wed 25th Mar 2009, 12:39, More)

» God

I nicked this from Urban Dictionary...
...but wanted to share it with you B3tards.


The belief that a cosmic Jewish zombie who was his own father can make you live forever if you symbolically eat his flesh and telepathically tell him you accept him as your master, so he can remove an evil force from your soul that is present in humanity because a rib-woman was convinced by a talking snake to eat from a magical tree...
(Wed 25th Mar 2009, 23:37, More)

» Gyms

I've got a mate called Gym...
...but he spells it differently.
(Fri 10th Jul 2009, 6:36, More)

» That's me on TV!

I'm a mad scientist...
...and this one time, while working on my miniaturisation ray-gun in my living room, I walked in front of it to inspect the bit at the end where the rays all shoot out and stuff, when my cat stepped on the button that makes it go 'WhooooosssshhhhhhBzzzzzzBANG!' Suddenly I was shrunk down to the size of an Action Man figurine.

As I was checking to see that my genitals were still in place and that they hadn't been replaced with some prude-friendly asexual plastic mound, my cat noticed me and sprang to the attack. I pulled my hand from my pants and began to run, dodging his swiping claws just inches from my inch-long face.

I wasn't going to be able to get away while down on the floor; the thick shag-pile carpet I recently had laid hindered my escape. It was like trying to bolt through bracken or gallop through gorse. I knew I had to gain altitude. I grabbed the cable hanging down from the reading lamp and pulled myself up it. I leapt on to the arm of a chair and then scrambled up the back. Kitty was too quick though and met me at the top in seconds. I sprinted along the back of the chair, jumped and then somersaulted onto the mantelpiece, Parkour-stylee.

Puss kept up the pursuit and in the flick of a tail was up there with me. I dodged the framed picture of me with Andi Peters and Ed The Duck (unsigned), then weaved behind my Istead Rise U-11 football team trophy (everyone in the team got one for participating - we never won games or owt.) I was almost the same size as it!

Reaching the end of the mantelpiece there was nowhere else for me to run. Below me lay certain death - landing on a pile of sun-faded copies of Radio Times would have shattered my tiny bones.

Then I saw it; my one chance of escape. I looked behind me. My once affectionate feline companion, now turned single-minded killer, was closing in slowly, doing that crouching shoulder number you see lionesses do in the African savannah when hunting. I turned and looked at my last hope of surviving. Beyond it lay an open window through which I could escape.

I closed my eyes.

I took a deep breath.

I gritted my teeth.

I leapt...


...that's how I ended up on the telly.
(Wed 17th Jun 2009, 3:54, More)

» Bullies

This one time...
(Fri 15th May 2009, 13:39, More)
[read all their answers]