» Nightclubs

The 4 way that never was
Some years ago I used to frequent a goth club in town. I was married, about 22 years old. Mrs. Zupper didn't usually bother coming out with me on my weekly clubbing excursions.

On this particular night I ran into a young lady of loose morals whom my wife had already had girl sex with on several occasions -- while we'd been engaged. So it seemed fair enough to end up chatting her up, buying her a drink and then buying a drink for her friend, Katherine.

Long story short, within an hour all 3 of us were on the floor underneath the DJ's table, snogging. We were all at least partially undressed and jointly decided that it was time to take this party elsewhere.

I had 2 EXTREMELY attractive bisexual women ready to have sex with me immediately. I could have taken them downtown, where I had the entire second floor of a building that I'd rented out with a group of friends that had formed a sort of artist's collective. Couches, fridge, stereo, perfect place to go for random sex.

Did I do things the safe way? No I did not. I decided to push my luck and go for 3 women at one go by getting my wife involved.

When the 3 of us arrived at my apartment, there was just one little problem. My wife and I had just returned from helping to clean out a friend's (extremely wealthy) grandparents' vacation home before selling it. We'd come back with boxes and boxes of fine, antique china and other such things.

All of this fine china and tea sets and such were spread out across the living room floor. And as soon as these 2 chicks saw it all, they went into instant 'gushing' girl mode. My wife joined in. And the 3 of them spent the next 2 hours playing with the fucking tea sets.

The hot group sex vibe was hopelessly lost. The young ladies left after much charming conversation. I never saw Katherine again.

I want to kick myself in the face every time I think of what could have been. To make things worse, I explained to my wife about a month later what my intentions were in bringing the 2 of them round. Her response? "Too bad, I definitely would have fucked Katherine."

Sigh.
(Wed 8th Apr 2009, 22:36, More)

» Faking it

I made someone be dead on paper and ruined his life.
In college, a friend and I gained access to the school's most secure section of their database. Before each semester they would take over a computer lab for a day, staff members would sit down at each computer and log in so that students could then form lines and register for classes.

Clever fellow that he was, my friend installed a keyboard sniffer on one of the lab computers that recorded every keystroke right before they kicked him out in order to start registration.

By that evening, we had a login and password to get us into the database that recorded and controlled every student's class schedule and status in the school.

Every student had a little 2 letter code next to their name signaling whether they were active, on leave, etc. One of the options was 'dd.' That made them 'deceased.'

I won't bore you all with the horrible crimes that our victim was guilty of that deserved the sort of revenge that this allowed us to dish out. But we made him 'deceased' on the school's computer, one semester before he was to graduate.

Among the effects of this was that he had no diploma on graduation day. But it gets worse. Much worse. It seems that he had student loans through the Dept. of Education and the college is supposed to report the student's status regularly, to make sure that he or she is actually enrolled. When the college told the Dept. of Education that the student was dead, THEY CALLED IN THE LOAN. His parents had to fork it all over, no matter that he was still in school and attempting to go on to graduate school.

And it got still worse. The Department of Education reported this information of his death to other government departments. His social security number was pulled and presumably reassigned to someone else. When his drivers license expired, he was unable to renew it. This went on and on for years with the poor bastard practically in tears in front of one government bureaucrat after another begging them to believe that he was not actually dead.

That is easily the biggest fake I have ever pulled. Although to be honest, we never had any idea that this would be anything other than a momentary inconvenience for him.
(Thu 10th Jul 2008, 23:00, More)

» Mix Tapes

Tiny Tim Ranting About the Apocalypse
The most notable thing on most of my tapes is the stuff that goes on to prevent a gap at the end. I would always make the playlist first and add up the track times and if there was a gap of anywhere from 3 minutes to 10 seconds, I would come up with some random nonsense to pad that time out.

Usually, this meant reaching for my enormous collection of especially odd records. Children's stories being read aloud, Tiny Tim ranting about the coming apocalypse, crazed evangelical preachers condemning rock and roll, ping-pongy test signals for calibrating 1950's era hi-hi quadraphonic sound systems. It was always an effort to come up with the strangest shit possible.

Usually I'd spend several days slaving over the track listing of actual songs for the tape. But invariably it was the random fragment of Longshanks saying that he was going to gouge out someone's eyes that resulted in the most sincere compliments for my efforts.

Length, around 45 seconds. Breadth, at least 500 LPs.
(Fri 8th Feb 2008, 17:24, More)