» Food sabotage

A note
Apologies for tenuous link to topic, and if it's bindun, but fuck it:

A note to clothes shop designers:

A man walks into a high-street clothes shop (ouch, fnarr). He casts his eye around, finds a t-shirt and some jeans he quite likes, but crucially: he cannot tell if they are clothes for women or men! He cannot simply take the garments to the till and hope, for an innocent comment such as "it's so nice you know your girlfriend's size!" would surely cause a furious blush to erupt on his face and it would be obvious to the cashier, anyone paying at the same time, anyone who happened to be nearby, the security guard and in fact the entire universe that HERE IS A MAN WHO WISHES HE COULD WEAR WOMENS' CLOTHES. PITY HIS UNDOUBTEDLY TINY COCK!

He cannot simply ask an attendant to which sex the togs he has taken a fancy to are appropriate for similar reasons (burning embarrassment, tiny cock etc). Instead, he must find an attendant suitably far away from the clothes he was looking at - so as to allay suspicion - in the Court of the Underwear Queen flanked by Amazonian golems modelling the latest in fashionable ladies' swimwear. The attendent is all smiles and lightness; one cannot help but think of the deep sea Angler fish, which generates a small amount of light in order to lure curious prey on to its arrays of needle-like teeth. Was that a smirk he saw cross the face of one of the mannequins?

In a small voice he asks:

F'coov may, where uh menv clove? (trans: Excuse me, where are the mens' clothes?)

This is a hugely significant moment moment in a young man's life! For there are now two ways the exchange can proceed:

1) The man is informed that the shop only sells womens' clothes. He will blush, beat a swift retreat, be unable to live down the shame and have to become a hermit existing only to further contemplate his embarrassment, and write answers to QOTWs that only he thinks are funny.
2) The attendant points in the right direction. More often than not, this is exactly where our hero has just come from.

It is so much harder to return than he remembers! Ready to dodge a hefty clout from a mannequin (which he feels he surely deserves) and dodging bra straps' strangling grasps our lad makes his way back to the menswear at which point he is more than likely to forget what he came in for and beat a swift retreat - see 1).

So, clothes shop designers: make it obvious where the mens' stuff is.

Otherwise I'll gob in your tea.
(Wed 24th Sep 2008, 16:42, More)

» Tightwads

Sour
I went with a few friends to a pub. Middle of the day, we weren't going to settle in for a session so we bought our own drinks. I bought mine, and then heard my mate, next served, deciding:

Her - "How much is a shot of lime cordial, please?"
Bartender - "40p."
Her - "In that case I'll have a lime cordial and soda, please."
Bartender - "That'll be 45p."
Her - "Um, I'll have to think about that..."

I didn't know whether to giggle or goggle.
(Fri 24th Oct 2008, 0:32, More)

» Pet Peeves

Random
In the same vein as a few other replies: not so much in fashion now but overuse of the word 'random' used to make me see red. Guilty parties likely to describe themselves as crazy/mad/nuts or, you guessed it, '(totally) random'.

Example:

"Oh hey! How random seeing you just randomly in this random pub! My life is so random at the moment! I'm just going to randomly wander over to this random bar and order some random drink from some random person because I'm JUST SO RANDOM. Whoah! Look at all this random money I randomly found in my pocket! I guess I'll just randomly pay for my drink and randomly walk back over to... Hey, don't leave!"

Kindly learn a new word, fuck off, or both.
(Fri 2nd May 2008, 16:11, More)

» My most gullible moment

Shroom
I am friends with a lovely girl by the nickname of Shroom - for no illicit reasons, as she has nothing to do with any of that biz, it's just one of those things. She is wonderfully gullible but she doesn't believe much I say any more.


She is a girly girl. A Yorkshire native, she is full of life and loves the colour pink.

Cue lies: "You know, pink is the only colour that contravenes the laws of thermodynamics and actually creates energy. That's why you have so much energy."

And: "You know the big bang right? Well, the universe is expanding. So that means at one point, yeah, at one point, it was all crunched up really small, right? Well, due to the phenomenon of red shift, it's possible to work out which point the universe is expanding away from. And the current scientific thinking is that since everything looks reddest from Yorkshire, then Keighley is actually the centre of the universe*."

I've done the ol' 'racing stripes are painted in aerodynamic paint so cars go faster round the corners**' on her too. She's hours of fun.

It backfires sometimes though. I had a hell of a time convincing her that walruses weren't mythical.

*OK by this point she had caught on. No-one is that stupid.
** Think I actually saw that on b3ta, so props eh?
(Mon 25th Aug 2008, 4:56, More)