» Dumb things you've done

"Give you a fiver if you have a shot of petrol, Cable."
So we're out celebrating a mates 18th birthday last year and by about 1 in the morning we're all plastered, slurring our words and hugging each other like we were Greek lovers.

I'd been drinking more heavily than normal as I found the place we were in sold absinthe so I was pretty much on it all night and was rather gone.

As we were getting ready to leave someone pipes up "Cable, I'll give you a fiver if you drink these shots of petrol!" Now me being me (a very silly person) accepts this manly challenge of drinking and turns my attention to the challenge-issuer. Sat on the bar were five shots of petrol. How the hell they got there I don't know. My guess is someone either went and siphoned the stuff out their car or bought it from the petrol station round the corner.

Taking a seat at the bar I clap my hands together and begin the challenge. From what I can remember, petrol tastes fcuking horrible. It burnt the back of my throat and the after-taste wasn't anything to celebrate about. Being manly however, I neck the remaining four shots and prompty stand up triumphantly.

And rapidly fall over.

Now this is where the memory loss starts and I've had to piece together what I've been told. I apparently stumbled to my feet and started slurring so badly no one would understand what I was saying. I kept falling over so some kind soul had put me in the recovery position and they left me there whilst everyone finished their last drinks.

It was then decided that I'd be helped home by one of my mates and I was promptly pulled to my feet and dragged home. Along the way my actions included, but where not limited too: Trying to put wheelie-bins on car roof's, struggling to run away to Albania, and assaulting my mate. When we reached home I was slung on the sofa giggling like a little girl and left to my own devices.

I woke up at around 8am. I looked down at myself and saw my entire t-shirt was drenched in my own vomit. I haphazardly stood up and found that my puke extended all over my jeans, the rear side of my t-shirt and a great deal of the sofa. I was feeling fine though, so I filled a jug up with warm, soapy water and cleaned up my mess and then took myself off to bed.

I woke at around 3pm with the worst hangover in the entire world. It felt like my head was being repeatedly cloven in two by an axe and it was hell. My mum found it hilarious (not knowing that her first-born had been ingesting petrol) and started reciting various M&S food adverts. Which made me rush to the toilet to hurl my guts out.

For about a week I was violently ill with a terrific headache and hourly bouts of sickness, not to mention not being able to recall much that had happened in the past month. So yea, drinking petrol is my most dumbest moment :D

Sorry for the length - its about 2 miles walk from pub to my house.
(Tue 1st Jan 2008, 15:11, More)

» Mobile phone disasters

I once found a phone in the street.
I was in Nottingham with my girlfriend where she's at uni and we were walking somewhere (to the cinema I think) when I stumbled upon a silver Nokia N95 lying next to the kerb. It was a little beaten up, some scratches and whatnot but otherwise in good condition. As I was already the proud owner of an N95 I thought I'd be able to flog my new found mobile to a mate. Before that though I had a nosy through the contacts and found a great deal of names that had a Middle Eastern ring to them. There were no texts (or dirty pictures) to my dismay but I kept hold of it and thought nothing of it.

Fast forward a to that evening and me and the missus are sat watching tv when we hear a phone ringing from her room. It was only one of the bog standard ones that comes with the phone, nothing hilarious or comedic here. So I pick up but before I cold say hello I get a tirade of abuse hurled at me by a very deep voice with a thick, Middle Eastern accent. Some of the choice insults I received were along the lines of:

"How dare you steal from me, how fcuking dare you steal from me. Who the fcuk do you think you are stealing MY fcuking property!"

"You dirty fcuking thief, if I ever catch you I'll chop your fcuking hands off!"

After about a minute the bloke ceased to verbally rape me and I thought this would be my cue to say something. Unfortunately I have no witty comment, nor stunningly intellectual insult to put here, for all I said back to him was "Eat shit and die, you cum-dumpster" before hanging up and turning the phone off.

I sold the phone a few days later to a mate. I think the moral of this story is if you lose your phone and then ring it to find out if someones found it, don't be a twat and hurl abuse down the line because you won't get it back for definate.

Length? About a minute and a half.
(Sat 1st Aug 2009, 18:22, More)

» Vandalism

On a cubicle wall in a public toilet...
... I read one of the most hilarious bits of graffiti ever. After a little research however I've found out that it's quite a well-known stanza but it still made me chuckle. It read:

Some come here to sit and think,
Some come here to shit and stink,
But I come here to scratch my balls,
And read the writing on the walls.
(Wed 13th Oct 2010, 13:06, More)

» Ouch!

First time with the opposite sex...
I was 15, as was she. We'd been going out for a few weeks and all we'd done was tickle each others tonsils and grope around blindly. It was then decided we'd take things to the next level. So one hot, summers night her parents were out and we were home alone and in the words of Tinie Tempah things started getting frisky. I took it upon myself to go first, having a bit of an exploration with my hands which she seemed to enjoy. Then it was her turn. I noticed at first she had a vice-like grip but being the novice I was I thought that's how things were.

The next moments were the most painful of my life. I have no idea what she thought she was supposed to be doing but without getting too graphic she slammed her hand downwards at a terrific speed and with such force I felt a horrific pain that made me jolt from lying horizontal on her bed to in the vertical position three feet in the air in nanoseconds.

I admit I let out a somewhat girly shriek but as far as I knew she'd just destroyed my manhood. Looking down at my poor member I noted blood. Quite a profuse amount actually. Despite her vocal apologies and how it was an accident I rapidly got dressed and ran as fast as the pain would allow me home (she only lived half a mile down the road from me) and further inspected the damage.

At the time I didn't know exactly what she'd done, other than ripped something but years later I now know she tore my banjo. It bled a fair bit for the first few days but after about two weeks things were as good as new.

I dumped her a week after.


Length? It went from hero to zero in less than ten seconds!
(Sun 1st Aug 2010, 23:38, More)