» Cringe!

Licky licky
About 10 years ago, I was at the dentists. I was laying there in the chair staring at the ceiling whilst he was using his instruments of torture in my mouth.

A few minutes later, I noticed that there was something in my mouth between my bottom teeth and my lip. Thinking it was a absorbant swab thingy, I prodded it for a minute or two with my tongue.. It seemed too smooth for a swab so I explored it thoroughly with my tongue.

Then it dawned on me.. It was his latex-glove-covered thumb. I'd been laying there apparently trying to pleasure his finger for the last couple of minutes. The rest of my appointment seemed to crawl past and I couldn't wait to get out of there.

I still cringe when I think about it :(
(Fri 28th Nov 2008, 1:10, More)

» School Assemblies

With a grim face, the Deputy Head walked onto the stage..
.. and sadly announced that the headmaster had died in her sleep.

Wesley laughed. Loudly.
(Mon 17th Jun 2013, 16:49, More)

» Darwin Awards

Mmmm, tasty volts.
When I was young, we had a set of Christmas tree lights which had a star at the end. This lasted us several years until too many of the bulbs had gone and we couldn't get replacements.

My parents purchased a new set of lights but this new set didn't have a star. In a flash of genius, I realised I could transplant the star into the new set of lights! Win!

I joined the wires together by cutting, stripping and twisting them together and it all worked, hurrah! I then noticed that one of the connections wasn't very good and I needed to strip some more insulation off the wire so that I could twist the copper wires together (soldering is for wimps)

Knowing that the lights were still plugged in, I decided that the best option was to strip the wire using my teeth.

My reasoning behind this was thus:

1 - There was 20 bulbs in the set. 240V / 20 = 12V! I was safe! 12V is nothing! (yes, I know..)
2 - I was sat on a sofa. I wasn't earthed. The electricity had nowhere to go.

Holding a wire in each hand (by the insulation) I proceeded to place one of the wires between my teeth and bit down.

Ah.. so this is what being electrocuted is like...

I couldn't see anything. At all. The mains cable in my mouth replaced my vision with a strobe. My whole body buzzed and shook with a powerful and extremely unpleasant 50Hz pulse.

Ooookay, so I'm still being electrocuted.. I'm going to die, aren't I?.. Hmm.. shit.

I knew I needed help and that the living room door was to the right of me. I'd have to try and get to the door. This isn't very easy when none of your senses are working properly. I had a vague far-away sense of touch and that would have to do.

Luckily, trying to get to the door was enough to dislodge the wire. Or maybe the fuse had blown. Either way, I was "back" in the room which stunk of burnt flesh. I looked at my hand to find that the wire had burnt through the insulation and into my hand - my thumb and index finger were completely white but burnt and blackened where it had singed my flesh. On the upside, it had cauterised the wound so there was no blood.

My hand is still scarred to this day and, in cold weather, I can suck air through a small hole in the roof of my mouth which I assume leads to my nasal cavity. Nice.
(Fri 13th Feb 2009, 13:38, More)

» I'm Sorry I've Written A Joke

The ten largest baseball stadiums hold between 46,000 - 56,000 people.
Just some ballpark figures for you.
(Tue 8th May 2018, 11:33, More)

» I'm Sorry I've Written A Joke

*ahem*
If a travel agent is surrounded by a ring of small islands, are they atoll-protected?
(Mon 4th Jun 2018, 0:49, More)